.......................................

It's been a tough week, a really tough week. And I know that there are countless people who have it so much worse of than me, people who are suffering, dying, being tortured in unspeakable ways every day. I know that. But sometimes I just don't get it. I just don't get that this is really living, this mindless, day to day, tedious, mind numbing, soul destroying grind. And sometimes I just wanna disappear until my heart comes back. Because right now, it's really buried under a layer of anger, defense, cynicism, selfishness and other horrible things.

This morning one of my co-workers was raving to me about how nice the Bryant Park Bathroom was compared to the one we have here. I totally agreed with her. It is the best kept secret in New York! There are fresh flowers, music, revolving seat covers, a 24 hour cleaning staff. She said that with the demoralized condition in office (it's been this way for almost a year) the Bryant Park bathroom really cheered her up! And I know exactly what she meant. But do you see where I'm going with this? We're talking about a fucking clean bathroom!!!!! I mean these are the basics folks!! The little things that get you through the day. And lately too many of those little basic things have been going haywire in this place and I'm just sort of raw. I'm on edge. I don't know what's next.

He Won't Back Down

Ricky Gervais. How many ways do I love thee? LOL!!! Even I cringed watching this. I mean COME ON!!! He fucking topples idols!!
I am relieved to see that many of the people he cracked on actually had the sense enough to laugh at themselves. It's not like he said anything that wasn't true. *SIGH!* Oh, Hollywood needs this more often. Like the original British "Office" created by Gervais, if you feel awkward and uncomfortable watching this, it's because there's something awful going on. Hint: It's not Ricky Gervais.

I Will Follow "I Will Follow"

So when I dragged my butt out of my apt on Saturday afternoon to meet my friend who invited me to see this film at BAM, I thought we were just going to see a movie. I was tired, period just started, the weather as you know was awful, but I went anyway and I'm so glad I did because this was more than a movie. It was a Black People's Brooklyn event! I was born in Brooklyn so, I was clearly supposed to be there. LOL!


My friend went to UCLA with the director of "I Will Follow," Ava DuVerny and was coming out to support her film which screened at BAM late that afternoon as part of the "BAM Cinematek" series. The audience was predominantly black and female and there were press and presenters and a Q&A afterward. I had no idea.


The film, which follows the journey of a middle aged woman who has just lost her Aunt to breast cancer and was a powerful motivation in her life takes place in Topenga California. When DuVernay came on to introduce it, she stated plainly that it was neither edgy or avant garde but just a straight forward semi-autobiographical narrative.


From the opening ten minutes I was hooked. Not only was it wonderfully shot and gorgeously lit, but the characters were refreshingly genuine and engaging in way I was so happy to see for the first time in a long while in a movie featuring people of color predominantly. Women taking care of loved ones in their lives is something that as woman we all know a little about. This film is about one day in the life of a woman, played by Salli Richardson Whitfield who loses a relative that she has sacrificed a large part of life to care for. Now she is struggling with picking up the pieces of that life to start over again and throughout the day she will engage with and fight with and talk and love with family, strangers, lovers and memories alike.


The famous aunt, Amanda Fisher who has passed was a sessions drum player for famous black musicians in the 70s. Throughout the film DuVernay cleverly strings together the theme of music in the relationship between her and her niece. "I Will Follow" comes not only from the Biblical verse in the story of Ruth but also from the U2 song, "I Will Follow." Her aunt makes no small show of her love for U2 and Bono when she struts over to her CD collection and calls out a stream of favorite song titles challenging her niece to see what she "knows about that." I know a lot about that myself and I was thrilled!


The performances by all the actors, even the smallest parts are thoughtful, well rounded and compelling. In particular, I was very moved by the sensitive performances of Omari Hartwick, (I first saw him as Janet Jackson's husband in "For colored Girls"), Blair Underwood, Michole white, who plays the Aunt's Daughter and Dijon Talton who plays her son.


It was wonderful to see black people in life situations that were not indicative only of the disproportionately stereotypical dramas with which Hollywood seems to release the majority of "Black films" on the subject of drugs, single parent families, "baby mama drama" violence and black on black crime. I would urge anyone and everyone to go see this movie but particularly people of color for whom DuVernay asks for the majority of it's support because these are the people for whom the film was made. I was honored to be able to meet and be introduced to her by my friend shortly after the film and the Q&A. It was a great pleasure to stand and chat with her briefly and observe the bright glow of deservedly positive reception her film received.


"I Will Follow" will be released in theaters through limited engagement in March and I urge you to show your support and see this sensitive, moving, down to earth and touching portrait with friends.

The Power Images Hold

Brouillard
Originally uploaded by Muriel.A

I remember last year going to see a collection of Georgia Okeefe's on the last day of it's showing at the Whitney. I went with Fran and Elsie who had told us about it. I remember seeing paintings that literally pulled me across the room, painting that had a visceral churning effect in my stomach. I'm not sure why but I know that on conscious level that she was expressing something that could only be rendered on a subconscious or subliminal level through her work.

I felt that way just now looking at this hipstamatic photo by Muriel A. on flickr. It jarred me a little bit. I'm a big believer in that there must be a relationship between the viewer and what is being viewed in order to produce any reaction. Neither the image nor the viewer are static.. All art is a mirror. And the reflections that unfold over time are the ones that intrigue me the most.

Journal Journey

My true journal,
which I can never share;
You know it well.
It is concealed through fear.
My true thoughts
which I dare not say;
You've heard them all before
and turned away.
The real journey,
which we all must take;
it's brutal and I'm tired,
but I'm still awake.

Thursday, January 20th
2:31pm

His Heart was so in It...

Recorded on my Phone

Glen Hansard at something called the "Burgundy Stain Sessions" at Le Poisson Rouge last night where I attended with my sweety and his cousin E. When she emailed me about it a week or so ago, I saw Glen's name on the list of guests and was like, I'm there. Like many people I discovered him when I saw "Once" the little movie that was a hit a few years ago and was won so many awards. It was made in like a week or something and captured not only the fictional story of two broken hearts coming together to make incredible music but apparently the very beginning of a real budding romance between the two completely non-traditionally trained actors. E. told us that they split up a while ago though.  But that doesn't stop Glen from singing about it with brutal passion and humor in a voice that just cuts right through me every time. At his best he literally sores on his own vocals. He's having so much fun being right in the moment, you and everyone around you can feel it.

Glen Hansard in "Once"

Beth Orton performed beautifully as well and it appears she was sporting a little baby bump under her sweater. She looked about a few months along. I'm not good at assessing these things but it's so amazing the thought that a life in the womb is already on stage. Imagine the places you were in your mom's womb that you will never remember or that she nener told you about.  It's kind of mind boggling. Obviously an entirely different state of awareness is happening in utero that we have no real clue about. Back to the show.

Afterward, as we made our way to the exit, we got slowed down by a throng of would be straglers near a table where someone was selling CDs and albums. I moved to the end of it and saw that the stragglers were really a line of people waiting to say hi to Glen Hansard who was standing a few feet from the stairs which lead out of the club. F. and I were dissppointed when we first saw him on stage that he wasn't as emmaciated and scraggly as he was in the movie but then again he was probably quite literally starving at the time. He was puffier and more manicured last night but that was all forgiven the minute he began to play. His beard may be groomed and pretty but the music is still raw and gritty.

I watched as people stood for horrible flash-washed pictures with him before I decided to casually cut the line, to say hi, shake his hand and tell him how much I enjoyed the show. He told me he told me in so many words that he though it was a really nice setting and I agreed. I really enjoy the general informality of performances at Le Poisson Rouge. F. and E. followed behind me shaking hands and exchanging words with Glen as well before we emerged into the cold air on Bleecker all happy and howling. And then we went to Two Boots and reminisced about the 80s and art and a time when creativity was not thought to be successful only if it was commercial. It was a really nice Friday night with two of my favorite people, a great beginning to the weekend.

Snow

Snow Branches
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

The quality of silence when it snows deep in the forest is surreal. When all you can hear is your own breath and the snow flakes landing on branches, it makes me so still, it's as if I can hear more than normal. The movement of snow is so peaceful, it makes me still inside. It also makes me laugh and smile because snowflakes dance on air. They take so many different paths from the sky to the earth, but always, they come down.

I haven't been in the forest in the winter for a years. The last time was at a Bed and Breakfast in February at a place in Hyde Park. We stayed in a room on the top floor that had a walk out porch facing the back of the house which sits in the woods. We sat out on the porch and looked at all the trees covered in snow and it just made a part of me sigh that never gets to sigh, never even gets to unfold most of the time. I could feel the forest inside me. There was nothing else to do, nothing else I wanted but to share it.