Lenox Coffee (Lounge Consciousness)

I was driven here by loud construction on my block. But also by the beautiful weather, my restlessness and the fact that I have Fridays off and nothing to eat in the fridge. Ha! I guess I could have made Tuna fish but I'm gonna need to do some grocery shopping later anyway.

It's super nice to be able walk a few blocks away (okay I bused it one stop. It's hot out here!) to a local cafe and just chill to some beautiful jazz while sipping on a mocha and internet surfing. That's me! That's what I'm doing! The only thing missing is poetry and the great American novel. I do have a doll in my bag though so that will have to do for now. LOL!!

I love this atmosphere. It's perfect and within walking distance and every time I've been here, there's always been space to sit. Lenox Coffee, thy name is gentrification, but I think I love you. Next time I come here I'm gonna grab that cozy ass looking sofa on the right. I should hold meetings here! Let's do that! Will you come to my next meeting here at Lenox Coffee? We can meet about whatever but just no whining about anything especially work! Let's talk about making our dreams a reality with Mingus in the background. Lets stare out of the window at the backs of kind young brothers  conversing with one another and greeting sisters as they walk in.

Let's get distracted and then get focused.

Distracted
My locks are doing something nice today that I didn't plan. Sometimes I look at them and I'm like what is going on? Should I just go short again? And other times like today, I'm like yezzz! They're falling in all the right places, framing my face just right. This could get really good. Keep loving them. They respond to love. They do.

Distracted 2
I haven't used foundation or powder since I came back from St. Croix. I was so low key and low maintenance and laid back. All I brought with me was like 7 or 8 maxi dresses, one pair of jeans, shorts and like to 2 blouses. There was no reason for rushing.

Focused
As Krishnamurti would say, being disciplined, is not about strained and obligatory focus. It's about being aware and paying attention. That's often harder to do then focusing because we all know what focusing is wrapped up in. Hard work, determination, nose to the grindstone, eyes on the prize. It's systemic and not sensitive or even tolerant of alternatives. It's what we were born into. But not all of us work hard. Not all of us have to. But I would like to venture further by say that none of us have to. We just think we do. And  that's all that's necessary to keep the gears grinding. Step outside of that machine and you find yourself in a world of trouble, yes worse trouble then you find just surviving in the machine. Because there's definitely no health coverage out there! LOL!

Focused 2
I never lose sight of the fact that I was totally ill prepared for life on the grid. My mom taught me at home and therefore had a great deal of control over what ideas went into developing the foundation of my world view. She also controlled about 90% of the food that entered my body. She didn't do processed or refined or dairy, cooked, salt or sugar. VEGAN!!! Plus she made food to take with us when we travelled. Oh I was sheltered. I was in a bubble I often peeked out from and variously never wanted to leave. And everybody had that bubble. You're outside of it but you never really leave it. In my case, life in the machine is and always has been vastly different from the bubble. But I am versatile, malleable, chameleon like. I can roll with it. I just can't accept it. And lately, it's occurred to me that that's okay as long as I'm willing to do something about it beside complain and whine and navel gaze about it. This would require some attention and awareness, some appreciation of what's right under my nose, the stuff we often quickly overlook because we're tripping all over selves to be the first to grab the ring. Some of us were meant to do that, to strive for the ring. And by all means, have at it. I'll be over here at Cafe Lenox waiting for you to arrive at the big cozy ass sofa meeting. I hope the ring is as pretty and shiny as it looks from here.

.......................................

It's been a tough week, a really tough week. And I know that there are countless people who have it so much worse of than me, people who are suffering, dying, being tortured in unspeakable ways every day. I know that. But sometimes I just don't get it. I just don't get that this is really living, this mindless, day to day, tedious, mind numbing, soul destroying grind. And sometimes I just wanna disappear until my heart comes back. Because right now, it's really buried under a layer of anger, defense, cynicism, selfishness and other horrible things.

This morning one of my co-workers was raving to me about how nice the Bryant Park Bathroom was compared to the one we have here. I totally agreed with her. It is the best kept secret in New York! There are fresh flowers, music, revolving seat covers, a 24 hour cleaning staff. She said that with the demoralized condition in office (it's been this way for almost a year) the Bryant Park bathroom really cheered her up! And I know exactly what she meant. But do you see where I'm going with this? We're talking about a fucking clean bathroom!!!!! I mean these are the basics folks!! The little things that get you through the day. And lately too many of those little basic things have been going haywire in this place and I'm just sort of raw. I'm on edge. I don't know what's next.

Why?

The Petty Tyrant

How long will I let this one
fry in my mind,
before I decide
to be fearless
or blind?

Ajamu told me that we are all still being born, that this level of existence is a womb stage. Which makes me wonder what is going on psychologically with an infant who is literally in the womb for nine months. And if we are all still being born, what is life really? What are we preparing for? We don’t really know anything about infants. Oh we know what we can observe from the outside but we don’t really have any concrete, empirical data on their inner world. We don’t really know where they came from, where we came from. We don’t really know where we’re going. Birth and death are concepts we have to believe we understand to some extent only as a means to provide us with what happens in the middle; life. And of life we have an endless string of theories, of the meaning and the purpose of it. Is it fated? Is it random? Is someone watching? Is it all a game? All these questions and answers seem to indicate a great deal of doubt over whether, like birth and death, we know anything about life either. We are deep wells of contradiction, infinite potential and utter devastation. We are mysteries, often pretending to be solved. We are birds that can swim. But we cling only to what we think we know. And in doing do, what wonders pass us by? What tiny sparks are doused with sobering “reality” which could have soared into a roaring fire of inspiration for all? And why? That’s one of the biggest and earliest questions of all. From birth to death, we never stop asking why. And why do we never stop asking why?