I have a really good friend who has been away on vacation for a while and just recently returned. She is one of the few people I know who has never been shy about sharing the details of her sexual experiences with me and over the years I have really grown to appreciate her openness and candor about being sexually active as an adult woman.
Yesterday I was having a conversation with a woman, a friend and I forget how it got there but we started exchanging stories about the crazy things we've done in our youth, times we almost died and things like that, things that would make our mothers hemorrhage. Then I shared a sexual experience I had in high school with her. I didn't hesitate. It just came out. It was just another story but sexual in nature. It was an interesting and pleasurable experience and for some reason I felt very comfortable sharing it even though this friend is not necessarily someone I hang out with very often. She shared a similar experience with me which also occurred in her teens and I was fascinated, not only by her candor and honesty but also with the fact that like me, she was quite comfortable sharing the story. It was a moment of feeling like I was not alone. I don't usually have that kind of frank sex talk with anyone besides the friend I mentioned earlier.
It occurred to me how heavy the burden of sexism is on women when we are unable to share our sexual experiences with each other without the fear of slander, slut shaming and cultural exile. We enforce these negative stereotypes among one another as much if not more than men do. It's like a straight jacket of restriction from all sides. We normalize it so much that if we are lucky enough to find a female friend (because men are easier to be honest with about certain things we would never share with another woman) who we can share intimate details of sexual desire and experience or vice-versa it can be an adjustment process. I know that for me, in my adult years it's not even been something I think is necessary until I have the opportunity to do it. And then I feel relieved, liberated, fascinated and energized! Imagine how many other woman have stories like this hidden inside, fun, intimate, joyful memories that only ever see the inside of a journal, a therapist's office or just the mind. Women don't embrace a locker room culture like men do. Of course when men share stories of their sexual escapades, embellished or not, they leave out any emotional feelings they experience the way we as woman leave out the graphic details. We're all so trapped.
I mean clearly I'm still trapped, otherwise I would be able to share with you the exact stories I shared with my friends. It takes a considerable amount of maturity and purposefulness to understand that life's sexual experiences are not like pornography. Even pornography is not like pornography. If you asked any male or female sex worker to be graphic and candid about their actual experience it would never read or look like anything you can see on a screen. That's because stories are about whole individuals having a personal experience and the degree to which they are present in that experience will always reveal what they got out of the experience. Our perceived need to fragment, compartmentalize and selectively interpret experiences keeps us at a distance from each other and ourselves. Speaking for women, we can't get any further from ourselves than we are now.
I recently followed a talented sister on IG whom I've known online for years but never met. I came in contact with her through a common artistic hobby we have. I was thrilled when I saw an announcement she made that she was on Instagram and I followed her right away. As I scrolled through her feed I was struck by an image she posted of Niki Minaj on the cover of her album, "Anaconda." I'm not going to lie. I was like oh wow! The judgment was banging at the door. But then I saw that her observation of the photo was in admiration of Niki's amazing...ummm her butt! Okay, see how that just took so much for me?
Well needless to say I was challenged to appreciate this take on the cover versus something that tore Niki's character down on the grounds that she was indecently exposed. But I grabbed that old church lady in my mind and told her to take many seats while I took a second look at this photo and the comments on it below. There were other comments (from women I'm guessing) to the effect that they wished they were rockin that booty as well. It sure made me appreciate my friend more. She didn't think this was slutty or indecent. She revered it.
It's so hard to take the white male gaze-o-meter off! But when it comes off, or when you get a glimpse of sexuality without it, ohhhh it's a beautiful thing. It's way more beautiful than the messages we get about beauty and sexuality from a society bent on keeping our expression of it hog tied and pacified.
