Accidental Therapy

I'm a little too excited these days about various projects I'm working on, both personally and academically and I haven't been getting much sleep lately. I've been up past 1:00 every other night for a few days. Plus this weird weather is kind of doing a number on me as well Basically I feel a bit worn down but spiritually I feel pretty giddy.

I had a kind of a revelatory talk with my Urban Voices writing professor last night that really threw me for a loop because I told her things I haven't told anyone about things in my life which I haven't thought about out loud for years. There's something about writing professors. If you're a writer, no matter how much you try to blend in, they will spot you with laser beam precision and single you out. I was singled out. The class has a group blog that we post to weekly as part of the class assignment and then discuss in class. I guess it didn't take long for her recognize who the crazy people were; me and three others. What I mean is that she's a writer and she could tell who the serious writers in the class are so she split the class in two groups, one that needed basic grammatical instruction and us, the group who needs some style usage instruction. It was a bit awkward. And then afterward she wanted to conference individually with a few of us, me included.

She wanted to know why I was here. Which was very self affirming because I often wonder the same thing myself. She recommended some alternatives. She recognizes my potential. It was flattering and yet a bit nerve wrecking. Like I said, our conference spiraled quickly into a therapy session. I unloaded like she was my shrink and she never cut me off or even looked bothered. I'm certain she's no stranger to the psychosis of creative types. I never do this, ever! I'm very good at letting most people I know see only what I want them to. This is very easy as most people are not sensitive enough to perceive any deeper than you will let them or to even assume that there is anything more than what you project to the world on a daily basis, that the face you present is little more than one of a hundred masks. But I think that she could see through that and it's very rare that I feel comfortable telling anyone the things I told her.

Because we are being asked to write about our lives in the class, it is inevitable that we come up against some of the more painful incidents which have shaped and continue to shape us and it's always a delicate situation figuring out how best to expose yourself to strangers. Francis is one of the only people who I can never wear a mask with. He tends only to perceive what's really there, what's going on underneath. That speaks to a very deep trust I have in him. I can't deceive him even in subtle ways. But it's only because of his own innate loving/kindness that he sees beyond my behavioral smoke screens. There's no effort. He just cares. It's an anomaly to me but I just thank my lucky stars because I am not an easy person to figure. I am typically Gemini and at times find that I am almost literally two people.

Cooper Union Digital

Above is a picture I took last night while I was walking to class. I adjusted it to Sepia and blurred the edges a couple of times for a softer more haunting affect. I like low light photography and the way light creates mood in pictures

My first Copper Union photography class with Marget Long started yesterday. It's actually at the YMCA on Houston and Bowery off of Second Ave. I really like it so far. I was afraid it might be too easy or not cover things that I really need to learn but I think I picked the right course for me. Marget had some trouble with the slide projector but eventually we did get to look at some slides and she explained a bit about the first chemically projected images in the 1800s and camera obscura which I love. She also suggested we all get flickr accounts. As you know I have that fully covered. I sat next to a guy in the back when I walked in. In the second half of the class we talked about our cameras(we both have SLRs), showed each other pictures we had taken (we both had pics of the Washington Monument) and chatted about the pixel range and stuff like that. It is so nice to take a class in something I actually love. I am so psyched!

What Makes Me White?

Ahem...
So tonight in my Inequality Privilege class which is growing more and more disappointing every week, our professor whom I will not mention by name showed a video entitled "What Makes Me White" and when the whole awkward thing was done talked about how this had to be presented to white people in a "non threatening way in order that they didn't shut down when confronted with their own racism. I told her that the whole notion that this had to be presented in a non-threatening way said a lot about the fucked up way in which we deal with race in this country and that that is something that needs to be addressed as well. When the lights came on and she looked up down at us with her arms crossed, I could see in her eyes that she was looking, not for our honest response but for a specific response that she had already in her mind. The general response as far as I could gather was like what's the big surprise? Listening to white people talk about white privilege may be a big revelation for them but we've known this shit all our fucking lives!!!! What am I supposed to do now feel sorry for some white woman who didn't realize that her black nanny was a human being until she attended her funereal and heard all her friends talk about all the contributions she made to her community. Oh give me a fucking break! Go cry to your fucking shrink! This is just going take me a while to get used do. I'm actually conducting a ethnographic project on the subject of Anti-racist white groups for my other class n Urban Cultural Diversity. I don't suppose this will be good attitude to go on in with. I'm just blowing off steam here because honestly, this was just the wrong approach in my opinion. I am just truly fucking shocked at how deluded some white people are! Man! Wow! I mean really! I'm gonna need a moment. I've been waaaaaay too sheltered.

....Shit.