Dearest Linda

Linda in the light

I have a habit of taking photos of people without their knowledge. I feel I get a purer recorded sense of them this way. Obviously there are people who don't like this. As a photographer and an artist it is my duty to get at the truth. So I do it anyway. Nothing worth having is achieved without risk.

I took this photo of Linda from behind probably last year. When I look at it, I always think to myself that this is Linda shortly after her mother passed away. She is standing in the doorway of my supervisor, Nelly's office. I was experimenting with an at the time new filter in the hipstamatic photo app on my phone. I liked the light that was coming in around her through Nelly's office. You can't see Linda's face, only her back and the back of her head. It's not a spectacular photo but I have always kept it in my library of photos on my phone because for me, it was special.

I also have a thing about people's backs. People's backs are vulnerable. We can't watch our own backs. They are unguarded parts of ourselves that reveal things we cannot hide. I like the backs of people. There is a shadow there and a reflection. I think in my mind I always thought that one day I would share this photo with Linda and let her try and guess when it was taken. Maybe over after work drinks, or at one the birthday lunches she threw every other month or maybe even at a staff meeting when no one was looking. But she'll never know I took that photo now. She'll never know it existed. She'll be ashes by tomorrow.

She wanted to be cremated and she didn't want anyone to know that she had cancer. I knew but was sworn to secrecy and I respected her wishes, but held what I knew like a stone in my heart. Still I never thought she would go so soon. She passed this morning I was told. And I still do not believe it. Not really. I can't. I can't even really write more about it because it's just too sudden.

To be gone, to be so finally absolutely gone and never returning. How can that be? Linda was...Linda was my co-worker. A fiery Aries woman, a teacher, sister, daughter, comedian, reluctant singer and probably many other things I don't know. To me she was hilarious, complaining, testy, irritating, warm, stylish, a great gift giver, genuine, a wonderful person to talk about films with, lively, dedicated, thorough, and irreplaceable. And now gone. But not really gone.

We all got together at the restaurant in the lobby after shutting the office down and just talked about her and had drinks in her honor. I had a dirty martini with olives and fries which was somehow the perfect combination. We pulled together and shared our memories of her it was really nice, quite a change. But my head hurts right now and I'm in a sort of lost place of my own with a lot of questions. I wanted to go for a walk in the park afterwards but the sky looked like it was about to shed it's own tears so I headed home where I didn't want to go. And tomorrow is another day.
Another day.