WHAT THE FUK!!!! IS GOING ON??

I'm a bit flustered. It's a Friday. It's not even 12:00 yet and already I'm on the verge of a total freaking meltdown! Francis says it's because of the planetary retrograde. I used to subscribe to that kind of theory a lot more when I lived with my mom. But I'm a little wary of it now. I guess I'm starting to feel like maybe I did something wrong, like maybe I'm being punished. But I don't fully believe that either. However without any explanation, I start to feel a bit crazy about the reasons for this set of circumstances.

I need to calm down. I may never get this out coherently if I don't.

I try to be careful with people, males in particular, but I can also be very blunt and I try to be honest which rubs certain males the wrong way. I have broken hearts in the past and those hearts have come back to haunt me with varied measures of resentment but all hoping to salvage something of our relationship which I am not certain they even understand. That's a bit awkward for me at present being in a committed relationship with someone I plan to marry, someone who is not only a lover but one of my closest dearest friends. It is hard to know what place an old intimate friend can now play in my life. Tougher still, is that former male friend who is perpetually stuck in time and cannot let go of what we used to be or who I used to be. Needless to say I have had horrible results with this, bordering on traumatically surreal. Myspace and facebook have helped to facilitate the search for me by such individuals who wish to shall we say "reconnect" and in two out of at least four cases it has and is proving to be fairly disastrous.

In the past, I have tried to put myself into the mind of a person who goes out seeking someone with whom they shared a singularly profound relationship such as has never been replicated again. I have tried to understand what could be happening in the life of someone for whom it seems a virtual impossibility to find someone with whom they could trust or share their souls with the way they once did 20 or so years ago with someone in high school. Mid-life crisis? Bad social skills? I mean I'm no social butterfly. When I was single I fixated on celebrity stalking like a normal person! Gosh! I guess I'm also better at being alone than most people I know. But it's not all as simple as that.

The one guy from my HS days who I've been in correspondence with through the years who has not stalked, threatened or made me uncomfortable is...you guessed it MARRIED!
I met with him shortly before he tied the knot. We had a nice lunch together and talked a lot about marriage, possessiveness, relationships and things of that nature which concerned him. It was fine. Haven't seen him since but we do email occasionally. Oh Christ! I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna tally people or list them. It's a cold and impersonal thing to do. I just wanna know why they can't leave me alone. What is going on in their lives that they can't just chalk our past up to fond memories and move on? I'm not that important.

I have sought out the guy who broke my heart online as well. I have. I admit that, more out of curiosity than anything else. And Anne Naughton, a wonderful woman who I worked with at City College. She literally made me happy every time I saw her and she was one of the only females I actually trusted in that office. When she left she used to write me letters from wherever she was. At some point the letters just stopped, and neither I nor my other friend who used to work in that office ever heard from her again. I may think about people for years but at some point other things start to take priority. I still think about Anne. She was a maverick and I would love her even of she didn't want to speak to me. The same cannot be said, I'm afraid for these guys from my past. I define real love as a thing that doesn't turn on a dime. A guy who pledges his love forever and then calls you a bitch the minute they can't get what they want is not, in my humble opinion someone who knows how to love. It's tougher than just loving someone when things are good. I don't really believe in people changing. I believe in learning and evolving. I don't have room for time machines in my life right now. And I would never demand that someone I haven't communicated with in years drop everything and take a trip down memory lane with me!

ARRRRRRRGHHH!!!

Okay, I have a long day ahead of me and I really can't address these things directly right now. Retrograde, will you please stop messing with the order???

A poem from my past (close your eyes Amanda!)

Casablanca

Came to a screeching halt that year
At the edge of your rabbit hole.
No way I was going down there again.
I’ve grown accustomed to some sense of control.
I strayed for a moment that year,
stared down the abyss of your soul
At the familiar bones in your closet
which none but me had come to know.
I wanted to hold on to something that hurt
a sweet little souvenir of pain.
But no piece could be taken
without feeling the whole
And that monster in me
has been slain.