As isness

Before this day gets away from me, I just want to announce that I have been challenged to make a blog entry here every day this month. For me right now issue is not what do I write about but what do I choose to write about.

Before I rush off to Central Park to get in some nature communion, let me just say that I've been reading this book "The Conscious Parent" recommended to me by my good friend and book nerd pal at soulsistah4real.com I'm reading and learning more about myself than ever I thought I would reading a book about parenting of all things. The thread with seems to run through the book most consistently is accepting what is. Tsabary is all about this as isness. And it's rough. It's not all cake and flowers and cuteness and I can see that parenthood is not for the faint of heart. But I also see that there are effective ways to make it less of a challenge than it needs to be and it has a lot to do with self work.

The as isness aspect is about accepting people and life as it is and not how you wish it to be which often the beginning of so many problems. But it's so hard to accept things as they are when society seems so wired towards escapism, disconnection, tuning out and avoiding even the possibility of pain on so many levels. As a child for instance, being read fairytales is perhaps the first foray into fantasy and imagination. Imagination is a wonderful way for a child to experience the beauty of everyday things using their own capacity for creativity and fantasy as a expressive genre is a wonderful context within which to explore that creativity but the problem occurs when we see our lives only as successful, pleasurable or valuable within a context of escapism and disconnection and fail to see the whole of life, it's downs as well as ups as a teacher and a partner rather than a constant adversary. She also writes about mistaking the ego as ourselves and being over reactive, losing ourselves in ego based drama.

I get that intellectually. I do. I get it.  AND THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT PARENTING! WHOA!
It just makes me ask myself the question over and over in my mind. What is the right reason to have children? There are many practical and sentimental reasons, romantic, selfish and ignorant reasons. But are there any right reasons? I don't know. I think it might be about wanting to allow someone into your life who will awaken things in you, challenge you, require more from you in ways perhaps no the relationship ever will. So having children is still about relationships. Everything and everyone you relate to is about what you are choosing to learn about who you are. It's about growing yourself while helping to grow others. It is not merely about identifying control and authority and imposing discipline as a way of maintaining these roles primarily to reinforce the ego. Nor is it about projecting all of your insecurities, and perceived feelings of under-achievement on little people who you feel should feel obligated to realize your dreams for you. I guess no relationship should ever be about that.

Accepting your children as they are, as isness, is only possible if you can accept yourself and life as it is. Now that's a challenge. 

Frank Sex Talk

I have a really good friend who has been away on vacation for a while and just recently returned. She is one of the few people I know who has never been shy about sharing the details of her sexual experiences with me and over the years I have really grown to appreciate her openness and candor about being sexually active as an adult woman.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a woman, a friend and I forget how it got there but we started exchanging stories about the crazy things we've done in our youth, times we almost died and things like that, things that would make our mothers hemorrhage. Then I shared a sexual experience I had in high school with her. I didn't hesitate. It just came out. It was just another story but sexual in nature. It was an interesting and pleasurable experience and for some reason I felt very comfortable sharing it even though this friend is not necessarily someone I hang out with very often. She shared a similar experience with me which also occurred in her teens and I was fascinated, not only by her candor and honesty but also with the fact that like me, she was quite comfortable sharing the story. It was a moment of feeling like I was not alone. I don't usually have that kind of frank sex talk with anyone besides the friend I mentioned earlier.

It occurred to me how heavy the burden of sexism is on women when we are  unable to share our sexual experiences with each other without the fear of slander, slut shaming and cultural exile. We enforce these negative stereotypes among one another as much if not more than men do. It's like a straight jacket of restriction from all sides. We normalize it so much that if we are lucky enough to find a female friend (because men are easier to be honest with about certain things we would never share with another woman) who we can share intimate details of sexual desire and experience or vice-versa it can be an adjustment process. I know that for me, in my adult years it's not even been something I think is necessary until I have the opportunity to do it. And then I feel relieved, liberated, fascinated and energized! Imagine how many other woman have stories like this hidden inside, fun, intimate, joyful memories that only ever see the inside of a journal, a therapist's office or just the mind. Women don't embrace a locker room culture like men do. Of course when men share stories of their sexual escapades, embellished or not, they leave out any emotional feelings they experience the way we as woman leave out the graphic details. We're all so trapped.

I mean clearly I'm still trapped, otherwise I would be able to share with you the exact stories I shared with my friends. It takes a considerable amount of maturity and purposefulness to understand that life's sexual experiences are not like pornography. Even pornography is not like pornography. If you asked any male or female sex worker to be graphic and candid about their actual experience it would never read or look like anything you can see on a screen. That's because stories are about whole individuals having a personal experience and the degree to which they are present in that experience will always reveal what they got out of the experience. Our perceived need to fragment, compartmentalize and selectively interpret experiences keeps us at a distance from each other and ourselves. Speaking for women, we can't get any further from ourselves than we are now.

I recently followed a talented sister on IG whom I've known online for years but never met. I came in contact with her through a common artistic hobby we have. I was thrilled when I saw an announcement she made that she was on Instagram and I followed her right away. As I scrolled through her feed I was struck by an image she posted of Niki Minaj on the cover of her album, "Anaconda." I'm not going to lie. I was like oh wow! The judgment was banging at the door. But then I saw that her observation of the photo was in admiration of Niki's amazing...ummm her butt! Okay, see how that just took so much for me?

Well needless to say I was challenged to appreciate this take on the cover versus something that tore Niki's character down on the grounds that she was indecently exposed. But I grabbed that old church lady in my mind and told her to take many seats while I took a second look at this photo and the comments on it below. There were other comments (from women I'm guessing) to the effect that they wished they were rockin that booty as well. It sure made me appreciate my friend more. She didn't think this was slutty or indecent. She revered it.

It's so hard to take the white male gaze-o-meter off! But when it comes off, or when you get a glimpse of sexuality without it, ohhhh it's a beautiful thing. It's way more beautiful than the messages we get about beauty and sexuality from a society bent on keeping our expression of it hog tied and pacified. 

Love, Sex, Drugs and Funk

I started reading "Glow", the autobiography of Rick James last Sunday and now, already more than halfway done with it, several things have become clear to me.

1. As a child born in the 70s I was most definitely conceived to some 70s music on par with "Fire and Desire." I just know that in my heart.

2. R&B owes so much to great 70s artists like Rick James. Hip Hop and Rap sampled the hell out some Rick James hits.

3. To a large degree Black music in the 70s was about love, soul, spirituality and accessing a higher plain of consciousness. It had not come very far from it's African roots. Black artists in the 70s funk genre weren't afraid to let their Freak Flag fly because they knew that so-called freaks were on a journey towards liberation, fearlessness and joy and for a brief precious moment that was more important to them than impressing a target market with imitation. So much of what often embarrasses or discomforts people about the flamboyant and sexually loose style of the 70s is that those who represented it best, like Grace Jones or Rick James, didn't give a shit what people thought. They went with their gut and their spirit and those who couldn't copied them. Elvis, Prince, Madonna, Gaga,  all learned how to draw a crowd by copying, appropriating, deriving and expertly reinterpreting the best in the business.

Ever wonder where African Shaman got their "style" from?

4. Prince owes about 70% of his career to Rick James. Everyone steals, imitates and borrows but James, cocky as he was, seemed more humble or came from a more reverent generation. Prince was a cold, insecure asshole in his early years.

5. The 80s was the dawn of artifice and excess. It produced a lot of great stuff with regards to music and it was the era I came of age in but what ever soul it had with regards to Black music was derived from what came before.

Grooooowwn Woman...

 So I turned 39 last May, graduated with my Undergrad degree on Tuesday and my wedding is less than a week away. Can anyone say hypertension? Anyone?
But as long as I look flawless it's almost worth it! LOL!

I met with Nicole Lyons yesterday who I discovered through an email from Harlem Skin Clinic. I asked my sister in law/wedding planner to get in touch with and we scheduled an appointment for a trial run through at her place yesterday evening. Not only is Nicole a sweet, professional lovely young lady but she is also an artist! I brought a few looks with me on my cell phone to show her what I was going for and then I just let her do her thing. She used various techniques on both sides of my face so that could see different options for the big day. She will be doing my make-up as well as my Bridesmaids.

Man! Talk about a transformation! She did her thing! I also really love that she listened to me. I didn't want to carry a lot of heavy color, particularly on my lips but I did want drama and definition around the eyes and blush which I have never used in my life. This is definitely make-up for lights and camera and there was also airbrushing used for a lasting hold. I was so excited about that. It just felt like wind on my face but the look is frigging immaculate! While I was sitting in the chair, I remembered what Truvy said in the movie Steel Magnolias, because I recently watched the version with the all black cast. Truvy runs the beauty store in town and when she first hires the new girl she tells her her motto: "There is no such thing as natural beauty." LOL!!

Well it's meant to be funny and a dig at the make-up industry no doubt, because if we all thought we were naturally beautiful, MAC, Revlon, Maybeline, etc would all go out of business. But let me tell you something. You can't take make-up too seriously. It's fun! It's like dress up for your face! It's drag! It's not actually you. It's you at lunch or you dining or you coming out into society, going to a party or you getting married!
But it is an art. And from what I learned, Ms, Lyons has been on this track all her life. I love it.

My fiancee was visibly wowed by my look when I got home yesterday evening. Most straight men's relationship to make-up is very different than to women who have been either wearing it or living in a world where it is required or desired from a young age and throughout most of their lives. He said he liked it but that he likes my face without it as well. That just moved me so much! And then I went back to prancing around in the mirror taking selfies! LOL!! He's used to that. He also almost pleaded with me not to wear the false lashes because he wanted to see my "real" eyes. Oooh honey!

To that I say, what's real is always there. It's fun to enhance as opposed to hide. Also, I paid for these lashes and this service and I'm taking it all the way!

This Rock, My Rock...

I have not been planning my wedding since I was a little girl. Part of the reason for that may have to do with the fact that my parents were never married by any law except that which we call common. I never saw photos of them together under a wedding arch and I never felt like I was any worse off for not seeing it because I saw what they shared together while I was growing up and that was enough for me. We were a pretty warm and affectionate family and I enjoyed a wonderful childhood. Even though my parents did not stay together it never made me feel like I couldn't or would never get married. There was no wedding dress hanging in my mom's closet and no ring on her finger and never any sense on my part that she longed for any of these things. But like any human female girl with all my senses in working order I was flooded with the same nuptial imagery in television, films, magazines and literature that anyone else is. I loved it. I thought it was great. But I never fixated on it. In my mind I always thought I would get married but I wasn't saving any swatches or looking at dresses or diamond rings. Which brings me to diamond rings.

Diamonds are a naturally occurring mineral rock formation (which can also be produced synthetically) which our system has ascribed a great deal of value to. I remember being in love for sure with the way Marilyn Monroe sang about them in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." I memorized not only that entire song but for some time, Monroe's entire performance. Marilyn shimmying back and forth in her sexy strapless pink satin dress with a thigh high slit singing in her sultry voice and all those men in black coat tails at her command really excited me. Still does. LOL!

But diamonds. Not so much.

When I look at most diamond rings (and I have looked at a lot) I see only what they represent to other people. I have witnessed the impression of size that diamonds make on people, not to mention price. I have also witnessed countless debates over the size and value of the diamond engagement ring being equal or representative of how much a man loves you or can provide for you. I will say myself that seeing a teeny tiny diamond rock in a poor setting is less than impressive but for me it's not necessarily because it's small or that the guy who bought it is insensitive or a poor provider but because I don't find it beautiful and doesn't make me feel anything. But as you may begin to gather at this point, even huge rocks don't do much for me. It's just the other side of the coin. A big diamond for me does not equal a beautiful ring.

Whenever I look the ring I chose I see what it represents for me. I was walking by the place where it was purchased and it literally caught my eye. It stirred my imagination. I don't really know how else to explain it. I know that it has the potential to have many different meanings for me over time in the way that a square cut or pear shaped (sorry Marilyn) single diamond never could. And trust me it's not for lack of trying to find a more "traditional" diamond ring that made me feel the same way.

I don't have any specs to share like where it was purchased, karat size or the price. But one of the things I like most about it is that in sun light or interior light, the diamonds set inside the sphere sparkle and glitter. I love glitter and glittering things. It makes me recognize that sparkle and glitter represent magic to me. And I'm all about the magic.

I've never been very practical and the things I love have a personal meaning for me that is sometimes hard to describe. But the desire to describe that which means so much is not as important to me as the fact that a sense of meaning exists at all. And it is for this that I am eternally thankful.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend from Ars Memorandi on Vimeo.

The magical and practical Marilyn

Engagement Photo Session

My wedding is in June. Have I mentioned that? It's partially why I haven't written here in so long. Thanks to a Bridal Show my Sister in law/planner took me to last month sponsored by New York Weddings, we won a free Engagement photo session with one of the amazing photographers whose table we dropped our card at that day. We also ended up hiring them to shoot the wedding. I'm super excited about it.

So let me tell you a bit about the engagement shoot. If you ever want to make out with your partner in public (I often want to LOL!) just hire a photographer for an engagement shoot. All the engagement photo sessions I have poured over on Munaluchi Bride were very accurate research and preparation for this one. Although I'm not sure anything can really prepare you for getting directed to make out passionately with your partner for the camera.  I always wondered how photographers got such intimate and passionate displays from couples. I don't know how other photographers do it but ours kind of warmed us up a bit and then told us to go for it. LOL!!

Look, I'm comfortable in front of the camera. I was even prepared for giving a few sweet little pecks on the lips. I've done an engagement photo shoot once myself and had to direct a couple to get cozy and smooch. But uh, yeah, we were doing quite a bit more than that here. LOL! And umm, well it was ummm....it was hot. It was hot and there was a guy behind a camera telling us to do specific things so it was also a little awkward. And that made for a lot of nervous laughter. But there were also many very amazing, sweet and poignant intimate moments. I mean really lovely moments that just kind of happen only when everything is right. I've never had a photo session with anyone but my dad and it was great to have someone work with us whom we felt comfortable with, who loves his work, had great ideas and thought very quickly on his feet.

I chose the location of Bethesda Fountain in Central Park and we all met very early in the morning when the light cloud cover provided ideal lighting for a good hour or so. We feel very blessed to have had such good weather conditions for the shoot and we can't wait to see how the photos turn out! This is the first time in a while that I have actually felt just sheer excitement about this wedding as opposed to debilitating nervousness. Photography always does that to me.
: )

Don't Just Stand There! Be!

Last night I was in the kitchen making salad for myself. I was tearing pieces of Basil and chopping some small vine tomatoes and red onions which I love and then two cloves of garlic. It was while I was chopping the garlic that I realized for a moment it was all I was doing. I was just chopping the garlic. Nothing else was going on, in my head, in my heart. I was fully present. Just mincing garlic, just getting the job done with the right tools and the right attitude. Enjoying the smells and the sounds, looking forward to the outcome whatever it may be. I like making salad.

I know it sounds like a small thing but it’s huge for me when I experience moments of being fully present because I am rarely fully present. Even when I try to inject love and light and positivity into my daily efforts it still feels like just that. Effort.  Deep down I don’t believe that effort has any place in truly being. We don’t put any effort into breathing if we’re lucky. In fact we hardly notice it until we are instructed to pay attention to it and then we experience varying degrees of anxiety over whether we’re breathing right, whether we know how to breathe, if we’re thinking the right thoughts when we breathe….effort.  

Then all of a sudden we can’t stop thinking about breathing and breathing can no longer just be itself, the thing that keeps you alive that filters the air it brings into your lungs and blood stream and expels what it turns into carbon dioxide, just doing its job without you even noticing it. It’s rare that we pay attention to our breath until we are short of it. 

When you find yourself drowning in an ocean like I did many years ago in Barbados, great big gulps of air become like life blood. When you have a panic attack or find it hard getting to the top of a flight of stairs or exhaust yourself working out. These are the moments we notice our breath, when we sometimes flail around wildly grasping for it. Otherwise, we’re more preoccupied with thoughts and feelings. I know I am.

When I find myself really arrive in myself anywhere, with no invitation or conscious instruction, I am quietly very thankful because I know that in the next minute or two I will let my “self” be dragged right back into that familiar space of not really being there, of being in the past or in an imagined future but not right where I am, where I’m supposed to be. I want to be able to get myself here more often because I know this is the natural state of being for any life form. I know it because it feels natural to me and I remember feeling this way 99% of the time as a child as opposed to maybe 15% of time now as an adult. Deflecting, distracting, protecting, avoiding, managing, juggling multitasking, imagining, interneting, means you’re not being most of time. And if you’re a single parent! God help you! 

And the crazy thing, is that just being is like my deepest wish and fantasy for myself and others. If anyone were to ask me what I wish and dream and hope for, it’s like I have this image of myself being able to just be 100% of time! 

Here’s what it looks like:

Never feeling like I need to run for cover from people I don’t want to engage with or put on a fake smile or protect myself from negativity, my own and that which comes from others, never worrying about how much money I have and being able to be generous all the time with my money, my love, my time, my light within reason without feeling like someone is out to get me or rain on my parade. Feeling like I can trust people’s expressed intentions and just be more trusting in general. Never feeling like I need to purchase something useless to make me feel valid for a few minutes or make me feel like I’m in with the trends. And lastly just being able to be where I am wherever I am and whomever I am with.  That’s what I want. That’s my deep wish. Even admitting that gives me tiny but sharp internal stabs and a kind of hollowness in my chest.  Why should just being and living your purpose be such a big deal to want?  I don’t think it is. But I think society and our own implicit contribution to its systematic structure works daily to send us the message on many levels that just being is not valued at all.

Capitalism can only grow when it is shoveling the perceived feelings of desperation, panic, unworthiness, lack and self hatred of the masses down it's throat. Sometimes I have to go off the grid. Fortunately, I am not alone.