The Impossible Really Exists

"Don't make me close one more door..."

2012-02-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. WHITNEY

Crochet Hearts

2012-02-02T07:33:00.001-08:00

Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I finally found a pattern to make these crochet hearts I have been admiring for weeks now. I've been making them in different colors for the past couple of days and wearing a classic red one as a pin. They are so easy to make and are so cute, not to mention just in time for Valentines Day! YAY!

Hudson River

2012-01-29T10:01:00.001-08:00

Hudson
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

It's not often I get to be in a nice quiet landscape at night but I was lucky enough to be in Nyack this weekend where Francis drove me to this wonderful look out at the Hudson river last night after dinner. It was so beautiful. I had my Nikon with me and decided to take a few long exposures to see what I would get. I really need to take more photos at night.

It's really magical what happens to collected light in pictures. There is light out there vibrating at low frequencies that cannot be seen with the naked eye but which is always there. I rested my camera on a table for this shot because with long exposure you cannot stay still enough for the image no to blur for even a spilt second. I left the shutter open for six sedonds on this one. In six seconds this was the exposure given for the light collected by my camera at this time of night. A longer exposure might have exposed even more light, detail and softness in some areas. I love this kind of photography. I need to find more opportunities to experiment with it further.

SOPA/PIPA Madness

2012-01-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

As usual I was doing something completely unrelated on youtube (looking up a Stevie Wonder song) when I stumbled upon this very comprehensive explanation of the STOP ONLINE PIRACY ACT on the channel of a Stevie Wonder lover. Check it out. Be informed. If these bills go through, you and I may never get the chance to share information like this again.

Program Yourself a Sweater?

2012-01-19T08:59:00.000-08:00

Just a fascinating episode of NYC 2.0 which airs on NYCTV one of my favorite channels on television when I watch television. There is always something good on there about the history, food, hot spots, secret spots and many other aspects of this crazy city. My co-worker who knits as well told me about it a week or so ago. I googled it this morning. Artists, hackers, designers, innovators all in the same game. That's what I like.

Lucky Moments

2012-01-13T08:04:00.000-08:00


"Harlem Seagulls" Taken this morning

Been feeling not so great for awhile but that doesn't mean I don't recognize the truth occasionally; that there is beauty beneath all this tangled and apathetic misery. When you see it, wave hello.

Dad loves scarf!

2012-01-11T07:49:00.001-08:00

Dad loves scarf!
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

My dad, a professional photographer, is in the book and has a company website in progress so I'm sure he won't mind me posting this photo of him to illustrate the finished puff stitch scarf I made him for Christmas.

He is super happy with it and I just knew he would love it but nothing beats actually seeing him look at the scarf for the first time.

Not only is it stylish but it's super soft and warm, made from pure merino wool. It was a bit difficult working with this yarn as it is thin and soft but I was really happy with the way it came out. I'm presently working on making one for myself in green. I'm halfway done.

Discovering leg warmer love

2012-01-11T07:42:00.001-08:00

Discovering leg warmer love
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I hated when my mom used to make me wear these during Brooklyn Winters as a kid. She would wrap me in layers of stocking and long johns (UGH!!) and a puffy snow bunny suit and then leg warmers! ARRRGH!!! Needless to say, I could hardly move but I was warm.

I was also never into this look during the 80s when "Flash Dance" made them popular. But I'm really digging this re-emerging style lately.

I remembered before I left for work this morning that someone had given me a pair last Christmas and that they were near by somewhere in my room. I dug them out, put them on and didn't hate them. Plus I love the way they feel! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna knit a couple of pairs this winter. My knitting needles have been feeling neglected since I've taken up crochet. Stay tuned.

The Walkman or What I used to do before I started working

2012-01-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

I was born in 1975. The Sony Walkman was developed in '79 I think. My family didn't get it's first Walkman until the 80s and I think it was my mom who got it. That big bulky thing with raised buttons was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. Not that I didn't always love music, but I compare the experience of first listening to the Walkman to the first time I listened to an Apple iPod. Total transportation. An insulated, private, perhaps even revolutionary moment. I was maybe nine or ten and having borrowed my mom's Walkmen I would lie in my parents bed listening to whatever cassette tapes we had. I would listen to Elvis' Christmas album and I thought it was magical or I would just listen to the radio to whatever caught my ear.

By the time I was eleven after we had moved from Brooklyn to the Bronx, one of my favorite things to do was listen to my dad's Patrice Rushen (yeah, I listened to my parents' music) tape and lip sync to it in the bathroom mirror or the wall length mirror we had in the living room. That rocked my world. It was like being in my own music video. I had a pretty big imagination in those days.

I don't think life will ever be that simple again.

Puff Stitch is a Fun Stictch

2012-01-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

Puff Stitch Crochet Scarf

So I finished crocheting my dad's Christmas scarf last night and then I wore it for about half an hour because it is so soft and warm and wonderful I just couldn't resist. I just love it. He's really lucky this isn't my color, otherwise I would have a hard time giving it over. LOL!!

I actually used two entire skeins of worsted wool yarn I picked up at the Yarn Company for this project. I've been making several puff stitch hats but this is the first scarf I have finished. I like it a lot. The way the puff stitches line up on the scarf make it hold it's shape in a really nice uniform way. And with a stitch like this, a little error here and there is hardly noticeable and actually adds to it's uniqueness.

There are ten puff stitches in each row for this scarf but don't ask me how many rows there are. I just keep crocheting until the yarn runs out. I've already picked out yarn for my own puff stitch scarf which I will hopefully get started on sometime today. I'm really excited to make a few more with yarns of different textures. Stay tuned.

"I have such mental landscapes too."

2011-12-27T12:16:00.000-08:00

"One thing I wanted to tell you is that I often think of him." Tamaru said. "Not that I want to see him again or anything. I really don't. We wouldn't have anything to talk about, for one thing. It's just that I still have this vivid image of him 'pulling rats out' of blocks of wood with total concentration, and that has remained an important mental landscape for me, a reference point. It teaches me something-or tries to. People need things like that to go on living-mental landscapes that have meaning for them, even if they can't explain them in words. Part of why we go on living is to come up with explanations for these things."
-1Q84

The Brushed Suri

2011-12-19T20:09:00.001-08:00

The Brushed Suri
Originally uploaded by Zanalee
Took a little trip to a place called "The Yarn Company" after work today. It's a place I've seen a bunch of times but have never gone in. It's one of those shops that is just above a street level store so you have to buzz in before you go up. I was just desperate for more yarn and looking for a store that was not too far from midtown.

The store has a really nice layout, a veritable fine yarn haven, mercifully quiet and relatively spacious. The women there were super helpful and nice. I took a long look around, taking photos and touching several things before I settled on two skeins of brushed suri so unbelievably soft, it's just crazy and two skeins of worsted wool to make something for my dad.

I thought it would be harder to work with the suri but it's really not that bad. I was very careful with unraveling it though. These kind of skeins always worry me. I would never take it out of the apartment to work on which makes me a little sad because I love working on these at "work."

A Heart's World

2011-12-06T13:05:00.000-08:00

1Q84 The World of Two Moons

"There is nothing in this world that never takes a step outside a person's heart."
-H. Murakami
1Q84

I will try not to give too much of the context of this quote away for anyone who may be reading 1Q84 right now, but it arrives at the absolute apex of the story in a certain chapter of the second book and it's left me kind of...shaken.

There are many things we keep inside, which we never talk about, write about, or even speak of, not even to our own selves. For this reason we believe they are hidden things, things which no one could ever know maybe never even care to, things which we keep hidden for specific reasons; we keep them locked away tightly and in this way believe that no one can ever perceive them. We all know what this entails. We all do it.

So what could it mean to say that there is nothing in this world that never takes a step outside the human heart? The statement is a total reversal of what we are conditioned to believe is true in our world about well kept secrets. It reminds me of a quote by Oscar Wilde that Christian Bale dropped in an interview I read with him a while back. The quote is in opposition to the statement in Murakami's book but it sets up an interesting debate. The quote was something like, "The artist reveals nothing of himself in his work." Bale was using this quote to support his view of acting as something which in fact does not reveal anything about the actor and therefore does not rely as method acting would disprove on the need to dig into deep emotional wells in oneself to produce the most genuine depiction of reality. In essence, I guess he was saying that acting os merely pretend work or at least that he approaches it that way and not as internally as some would believe. It was not a very good argument but an interesting one. The only real impression I came away with from the interview ultimately was that he afraid of being exposed, as most of us are. So we need explanations, excuses, diversions to keep people from noticing what we are hiding about ourselves, what we are in sense, ashamed of or what we don't "love" about ourselves.

There is a film by David Mamet I really like, called "House of Cards" wherein the male lead, a seductive con man played by Joe Matengna says to the female lead who has been drawn into his shadowy world something like "Everybody has a tell." You can say or not say what you feel but you can't not feel it. All that is required by whoever is having an exchange with you is a degree of sensitivity to perceive these feelings. But this rarely happens. People are just not that sensitive, not that disciplined. I think religion to some degree creates buy in on a monopoly of these hidden feelings by instilling fear of retribution on those who may not have the "right" kinds of feelings or thoughts about life. God, as the "Thought Police." Religion as a con game.

It is often said that only God knows what is in our hearts.To some, depending on their particular understanding about the nature of who God is, this can be a source of great comfort or a source of deep contention and despair. But what if there is another world where nothing felt in our hearts stays hidden, another something that witnesses the deep, conflicted and constant traffic of our hearts? I have always felt that books are one of those places, one of those alternate worlds, where every once in a while you come face to face with the things you think no one will ever know about you or the things you think no one else ever thinks or feels. That in itself can be comforting, can be jarring, can be disturbing, can be enlightening. But it can never be expected.

born to be a photographer?

2011-12-06T06:50:00.001-08:00

born to be a photographer?
Originally uploaded by 魏三米ya

I just thought this was the sweetest photo!
EEEP!! What a cutie!

1Q84 Afternoon

2011-12-04T13:29:00.001-08:00

1Q84 Afternoon
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

It's getting to that part where anything can happen. I have to make conscious decisions about whether I should eat my lunch while reading certain chapters or not. I never know what form of horror Murkuami's fiction will take but I know that it's never what you expect.

Sometimes it's just the threat of something foreboding that can be as fearful if not more than something clearly defined and literal. In any case I have to vacillate between reading Book 2 and doing something very superficial or pure mechanical to avoid getting too absorbed just so I can remember, it's just a book.

Knit Purl and Crotchet Madness

2011-11-30T08:49:00.000-08:00

I finished this cowl neck scarf (to the right) just before Thanksgiving last week. It was a huge triumph for me because I completed it on circular needles vs double point needles which are both methods of knitting that produce seamless garments and pieces of garments "in the round." Whenever I have seen knitters working with double pointed needles it has intimidated the hell out of me. It's always so weird when you see someone knitting with all these crazy points sticking out all over the place. It looks a bit like a torture device but it turns out that the finishes pieced will be socks, gloves, a sleeve or something perfectly functional and harmless. LOL!!


Double pointed needles

Anyway, I ended up picking up knitting in the round on dps (double points) right away for some reason but it was circular needles that boggled me. I don't know why. I just didn't get it. I attribute this to the fact that I was trying to knit pieces with too small a circumference. So I tried a larger basic project, a cowl neck scarf and it worked out perfect. I've already started another one for my dad for Christmas which will be narrower but wider height wise so that when it's finished it will hopefully collapse into a vertical column of elegant folds around the neck. That's what I'm hoping. When I learn any new knitting method for the first time I do tend to go a little crazy with it. I have two projects on circular needles at the moment but they're only hold because I'm also learning to crotchet. HA!

Crotchet drives me crazy but I just love the way crotchet pieces look so I have to try to learn! If you don't know anything about crotchet and knitting, this will all just sound like mish mosh to you. You're like, I just wanna by a hat, scarf and some gloves, maybe a shawl. I don't care how they make it! LOL! But if you do know anything about making yarn fabric, you know that crotchet is one of the most improvisational ways to make fabric patterns and textiles. In my opinion, it's what makes it wonderful as well as infuriating. Knitting for me is way more structured. Two types of stitches, knit purl, that's it. I don't pretend to know who to read really complex knitting patterns. I don't yet, but I can do quite a few straight knit stitch patterns with no problem. Crotchet...well I finally understand the single crotchet stitch which is the first basic stitch, but let's just say, I'm starting slowly. I'm doing this because I have to. I would rather learn it fast. I want to go from beginner to intermediate in a day because there are so many pretty things I wanna make! But I can't yet. Poo! I will try to be patient with myself. What I really need to do it take a class.But it's so hard to do with all these youtube tutorials around. That will be the next step for me though: taking a class or finding a certain someone to sit with me and walk me through basic stitches.

Single Crotchet Stitch

It makes me feel really amazing when I can complete a garment and I'm addicted to that feeling. You're making something that you can use, that is purposeful, functional, attractive, that you can give as a gift to make someone else happy and that is also one of a kind and unable to be reproduced in the exact same way by anyone else. In fact, it's the flaws that make it most unique. It's something you spend time with and get to know and then it's over, and you either use it or give it away for someone else to use.

The Music or the Misery

2011-11-16T09:36:00.000-08:00

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
-High Fidelity

I had a shitty day at work yesterday. Not the first and not the last, I'm sure. It was on a par with the kind of day that makes you feel really lost and angry and violent and hopeless all at once and nothing helped really to distract me for more than a few moments or hours, not yoga, not food. So when I got home I did what I did when I was a teenager, what I've done all my life. I holed up in my room and put on some music. In this case, my Pearl Jam Radio Station on Pandora. It turns out that all that dark, emo, Seattle based white boy rock was just what I needed. One song in particular by Soundgarden: "Black Days," really caught my attention the way it has hundreds of times before when I used to listen to the album as a younger person. But this time I was acutely aware of the fact that I not only felt exactly what Chris Cornell was saying but I finally knew why he was saying it. That's a difference in age. Age. I'm starting to feel my age more lately than I ever have. I'm 36, but just recently, I'm finally starting to feel like 30. Chris Cornell knew what the fuck was up when I was a teenager. And he knows what the fuck is up now. That's a very reassuring thing. Makes you feel like you have a friend who understands you, not matter how much you change.

It also got me thinking though about the effects of music on our developmental young minds, and the about how the music of our particular generations and our parents' generations shape us. I don't care for the movie "High Fidelity" based on the book by Nick Hornby but the quote I posted above was the only thing in that story that hit the mark for me. How different would my relationship to music have been had I been born in the hey day of bee bop, listening to Sarah Vaughn, Billie Holiday or Glen Miller. What's it like now for those youth coming of age listening to Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga, or Justin Beiber? How will what is expressed there shape their own emotional lives when juxtaposed with their own daily realities given their race, class, sexual preference and economic status? How much does music do to spur on pre-existing feelings of joy, anger, depression, desire, elation, violence or and how much of it actually brings those feelings to the surface for the first time long before we really understand what they even mean?

Personally, by the time I'd listened to any piece of music that carried my imagination to a foreign but familiar emotional space for the first time I can remember, I was so wrapped up in owning that space or rather being able to identify with a new and interesting part of myself, I was so excited to see what came next that I never gave a thought to whether I would have ever felt that feeling without exposure to this medium.

I was raised with music, all kinds of music playing in my house all the time. If the "Beach Boys" asked me to go surfing, it was my understanding that this song expressed all the best things about what surfing was like. And if Michael Jackson said "You wanna be starting something, got to be starting something." I knew that "something" was a narrative involving a physical altercation that would end up making me want to dance. When Barbra Streisand sang that love was soft as an easy chair, I saw that easy chair and sank as deeply into it as her voice sank into my mind. I was a sponge. And yet I had never been surfing, never started anything with anyone and certainly had not ever been in love yet, not really. Did I think I had been in love because my feeling matched the description of falling in love that music had described for me? Or did I just want to fall in love because of music?

1Q84 Update

2011-11-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

"I don't care what the for reason is for these drills of yours, it's less than dignified to have a gang of nubile women kicking a doll in the crotch and screeching their heads off."
-"1Q84" Pg 130

This is my first and last 1Q84 update. I swear. I certainly don't plan on writing an entry when ever I read something in the book I like. I just thought this was kind of important because as much as I love Murakami, I feel often that he doesn't write as well for female characters as he does for men. My favorite and for me the most memorable of all his female characters is Yuki in "Dance Dance Dance." She's a fragile, cynical, sarcastic adolescent who happens to be involuntarily psychic and likes to go for long aimless drives with the main character, an adult man rather than hang out with her peers because they think her intuition is strange. But most of Murakami's adult female characters, and perhaps some of this is owed to his various English translators are not as memorable to me. They are a bit like emotional shadows or enhancements. Very well written, essential shadows but still not terribly memorable. Very few male authors can write female characters well and Murakami is by no means terrible at it but after awhile his adult female characters from one novel to the next, do tend to wash together a bit. But in 1Q84's Aomame is a total break from his usual female characterization pretty much from the start.

To be be honest, I wasn't too crazy about her at first. I kept plowing through her chapters (the book alternates between the male character's narrative and hers) just to get to Tengo's, the male character story line which is, for me, immediately engaging. I was so used to his damned beautiful, sensual, depressed and quirky shadow women that I was thrown off by Aomame's dark, physical, violent, hilariously up front approach. Good job patriarchy! But this latest chapter on Aomame had me laughing out loud in the bookstore cafe at lunch. And it's not so much that I now find her approachable because of the fact that it made me laugh. It's the fact that I now feel more tuned in to what is driving her and I care. The thing about Murakami's writing is that even though you may be laughing at a situational scene in one respect, the narrative need not ever appear to be evoking laughter as a matter of fact. I'm familiar enough with Murakami's writing style to know that this character's motivation stems from revenge for something very dark and fucked up that happened to her that has yet to be revealed and is probably quite different in nature than one might expect. It's the way she handles it though,how it links to what she does for a living that has finally begun to make sense to me. And Thank God for that because this book is huge! I don't have time for characters I don't like. LOL!

Add Some Bratwurst: Murakami Madness

2011-11-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed the mini marathon reading of Murukami shorts at Symphony Space last night. It reminded me that I haven't been to any kind of reading, poetry or otherwise in ages, much less one that featured celebrity readers reading the work of one of my favorite authors.

I was particularly looking forward to Campbell Scott's reading of "The Mirror" but it was Parker Posey's reading of "Airplane" that I loved the most. Each reader naturally brought their own special brand of performance to each piece and it was really interesting to hear pieces I had read before illuminated in different ways through the intonations of others through spoken word. There was humor in stories that I had always characterized as chilling and morbid, adventure in placed that were as banal and standard as the rooms we sit in everyday to work or eat or stand in crowded commuter silence. I believe this is conveyed most successfully because of the care with which Murakami takes in describing many of the small things in our lives, our daily routines, the things which all have in common and linking them enigmatically to our emotional and often tumultuous inner lives.

When I'm in the mood, every so often, when I'm alone, I will pull out a book of poetry and read it out loud to myself. The rooms of a narrative take on different shapes when read out loud and of course depending on the reader, certain elements of that narrative can emerge you never noticed or considered before. To me it's like a meditation. Anything that reveals something new the more and more you take it in is a rare gift. And Murakami is one of those gifted writers who has the ability to create stories which continue to unravel something deeper and more informative over the course of several readings.

During his remarks on his first meeting with Murakami,John Wray, an author and Murakami fan, talked last night about winning over Murukami and his famously wooden reception of people by presenting him with a near mint red vinyl album of Miles Davis' "Kinda Blue." A consummate collector and lover of jazz, Wray described Murakami as being completely transformed in manner after receiving this special gift. It was the beginning of a friendship between them that continues to this day. When Wray told Murakami that own writing wasn't going so well, Murakami said that he should then try putting the things he wanted and liked into his work. They had this conversation over a meal of curried bratwurst. When Wray asked Murakami exactly what he meant by this, Murakmami asked if he liked the bratwurst. Wray answered yes. Murukami said he should put the bratwurst in his writing.

Hey everyone, meet my little sister: Valentina

2011-10-29T16:05:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone, meet my little sister: Valentina
Originally uploaded by Suedehead
I am such a huge fan of Suedehead's Custom AA Blybe Pepita that i totally flip whenever she posts pics of her which is not that often so whenever she does, it's extra special. You can't imagine my joy over seeing this photo of her and a mini Pepita just a minute ago!! Her name is Valentina!

I LOOOOOVE HER!!! I'm like alive right now!! I need to get my ish together and make one. Pepita is the only AA Blybe I know that has short closely cropped flocked hair. She keeps it simple and you don't see that very often at all in Black female dolls. I just adore her!! And now tiny petite version! I'm soooo digging it!

Prepare to Just Let Go

2011-10-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

Prepare to just let go. Someone should have told me this when I first started loc'ing my hair. They call it a journey for a reason. As much as you may try to manipulate your baby locs, they are going to do whatever they want to do. They are going to be fuzzy and all over the place. The beginning months may frustrate you to no end and the best way to rid yourself of that frustration? Leave them alone.
-Curly Nikki
"Things to think about before you loc"

Did I Mention I'm Starting My Locks Again?
Now you wanna see photos right? Well no photos. Maybe one day.

This is my third time starting my locks and let me tell you. It is so different from the last time I started them as a skinny, proud, eclectic, footloose and fancy free teenager in high school. The things I associated with locks in those days seem to be long gone along with my skinniness, delusions, and not to mention thick healthy hair which I took for granted I would always have. This is a whole different journey. I am juggling so many other things at the same time I'm doing this and many of those things are insecurities and doubts that often get so big, they're ridiculous. What do locks mean to me now. Is it just about a style? Has this just become another way to be like, I want that status? I want my locks to look just like that, no, like those! What happened to me?

So that's why I'm trying real hard not to be hard on myself. I'm trying real hard not to twist the heck out of my newborn locks and let them become what they're going to become and not judge my locks so harshly the way I never did as a teenager. I mean as a woman of color, I have always had hair issues. I even wrote an article about it in New Youth Connections while I was in High School. But my locks were totally liberating for me and I was completely satisfied with how they turned out, never thought they were ugly or wondered if other people thought they were ugly. Now I have a whole other set of insecurities that I deal with that to a large degree are about other people's perceptions which I know I shouldn't even give a shit about. Which is why I really love going to events populated dominantly with people of color every once in a while which is another thing I did more often when I was younger. I was raised attending cultural functions on a regular basis. There was no question.

Black people are so beautiful, so creative, so resourceful, so funky, so amazing, if we could just get it together and love ourselves and each other more, there is nothing we couldn't do. Of course then we'd have a war on our hands because this is exactly what white people don't want but it would be totally worth it.

As for me, I am going to take Curly Nikki's advice and leave it alone. The journey is actually really interesting when I'm not fussing and obsessing. My hair looks different every morning and changes throughout the day. Isn't that what every woman wants? Well, that's what this woman wants anyway.

Your moment of Zen

2011-10-20T12:25:00.001-07:00

Your moment of Zen
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

This morning the clouds rolled back revealing a new day taking away with it all the madness of yesterday. A marvel of nature.

Monarch Stalker

2011-10-10T20:18:00.001-07:00

Monarch stalker
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

My fave photo of the day, that I took of course. I used to see Monarch Butterflies all over the place when I was a girl in Brooklyn. They were pretty common. But they have come to have a different meaning for me lately that they have had in the past. They really are beautiful creatures, butterflies. Imagine looking that good every day while doing what you were meant to do!

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T15:33:00.001-07:00

Apple Macintosh (serial # 1) computer, from 1985
Originally uploaded by national museum of american history
Once upon a time I used these Mac computers in high school. I used square floppy disks and everyone was required to purchase a disk holder from the library. I had all my papers and poetry and stories on my disks. I love those things. I took a lot of pride in labeling them and personalizing them by color.

I never dreamed there would ever come a day when a smaller, sleeker, sexier, space saving version would come along but it did and from the unique muliti-colored iMacs (I had the elusive green one. It's still in my closet) to the toggling flat screen desk tops to Macbook to Airbook, Apple, my favorite computer in the world has come a long long way.

Sure I started out on a PC when I was too young to know better. LOL!! DOS commands and Commodore 64 were all that were around for awhile. But when Macs came along, I got on and never looked back . I remember many an hour sitting in my High School library drawing dirty pictures on MacPaint. Ahhh Macpaint. It was all so fascinating to me, the things you could do even back then.

We had both PCs and Macs at my high school but when it came time to get them out for study periods, I made sure to be among those who walked over to the computer storage room myself to roll the computers out and into my classroom. All I wanted was a Mac.

Hardcore Luxuriating

2011-10-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

Not an exaggeration

It made me forget the internet. It made me forget about my iphone. It even made me forget about photography which if you know me is quite an accomplishment. Although the human eye and heart are still the best records of history ever. And I have a lot stored away in my head and heart from my first experience at Spa Castle yesterday. And I do mean all day!
My great friend, S. and I were there for 12 hours! She's been there several times previously which was great because around 10:00am or so she was giving me a walking tour of all the lovely levels that make up Spa Castle.

I have known about Spa Castle for years. The first person who told me about it was a friend and ex-co-worker who used to live in Brooklyn. I hesitated greatly to believe that something like this really existed but I filed it away in my mind peripherally until a month or so ago.S. told me about the full body scrub in great exhilarating detail. I was finally sold enough that I had to get my money together so that we could both go and I could see whether this place was all it was cracked up to be. I had been in the middle of doing the 31 Day Reset with S. and a couple of her friends and listed a Spa day in one of the 31 Day exercises as something I really wanted to do. I love exfoliating! LOOOOOOVE IT. And as you know I also LOOOOOOVE WATER. So basically, yesterday morning, afternoon and evening were like heaven for me. HEAVEN!!

First off there are like four levels and a mezzanine and each level offers something different. I almost don't want to give it all away. To say what is on each level would not convey my own particular experience as accurately as I would like. I don't want this entry to be about me giving you another tour so I'll just tell you what we did.

I knew beforehand exactly what I wanted done. I knew I wanted and needed some type of massage like nobody's business and a body scrub would be nice as well. Fortunately a body scrub and massage were offered together. We made our afternoon appointments for that and I made an appointment for a pedicure for later in the afternoon. At Spa Castle you pretty much carry nothing around with you. They give this wrist band that looks like a watch with an assigned number on it. It's the number on your shoe locker and clothes locker and it is used to open and close both. Wherever you go to make appointments and order food or whatever, you just scan that bracelet at the designated station and everything gets totaled up on a bill that you pay before you leave. Genius, except my own watch feels exactly like that bracelet and I wore it on the same arm I usually where my watch on. I must of looked at that bracelet every time I wanted to check the time until I realized I would just have to check the wall clocks on each floor. LOL!!

So! Let's talk about getting naked. I had been told about the lower level bathing pools at various temperatures where you are not allowed to go in with any clothes on. I'm generally comfortable naked. Seeing other people naked depends on the context. If the person I'm with is comfy naked, I'm cool. S. was totally comfortable and that took care of that. As for seeing other people naked, Spa castle is divided by binary gender so "people" was only women. And that was fine too, in fact it was pretty liberating and really cool. I'm really glad I went with S. because she just enjoyed it so much, as much as I did and it was great to have a female friend to share the experience with who wasn't silly or petty about body image, and able to see past the physical nakedness to the actual benefits of Spa treatment and pampering. Naked is the only way to be in this regard. And oh God, it feels so good to be naked in the water! There were hot pools and warm pools. pools with jets and without, cool pools and a chilled pool which we proudly got into and out if twice before we left! Apparently going into really cold water after coming out of realy hot water sends a rush of blood through the body creating a tremendous surge of energy. It also closes your pores up after they are opened in heat.We were really hesitant at first but S. was very brave and daring and we conquered it and it actually felt really great!

On that level there are also a row of showers which you are absolutely required to take before you can get into any of the pools or wet and dry saunas. The dry sauna was my favorite but there are other saunas on the second level where you can only go clothed in your uniforms which I loved as well. There was a really hot dry sauna that felt wonderful until it didn't. LOL!! And then the really cold one with ice in it where you can go to cool off. There was a color therapy sauna where you sit in narrow booths illuminated with various choice of colors at the touch of a button, each one with a description of it's particular affect on your well being. There was even a relaxation room on the mezzanine where you can go to watch TV, listen to music on headphones are just go to sleep. Yes, just sleep. No talking allowed.We napped there for a bit in the morning while we waited for the food to be brought out on the second floor food court. There's a heated stone floor on the second floor for sleeping as well. I just love the idea any space that is designated for the best quality of sleep and rest. I cannot tell you.

S's male friend was there as well on the dude's side and he met up with us on the second floor where the food court was. The lower level is the only part where you have to be naked. The rest of the floor you must be clothed in the uniform they give you. On the top floor there are pools outside on the patio where you are required to wear a bathing suit to swim. Yeah. There's a lot going on. Anyway meeting up with S's friend was great. We ate, drank tea, talked and laughed, sat in the massage chairs, watched a little television in the main area and then went to take another nap on the heated stone floor. Me and S. woke up before he did and sauna hopped on the clothed level before going into the lower level bathing pools again.

So the body scrub and massage.That was 90 minutes of something I think everyone should experience. I love exfoliating so I was really looking forward to it. And yes you are naked while you're being worked on. This all happens on the naked level. The first scrub gloves my attendant used were a bit rough so I let her know and she changed to a milder pair and those were wonderful. Back, front, side, everywhere like twice before they douse you with warm water washing away all the dead cells and making you feel like a lounging seal. Then there is a mini facial with some kind of facial lotion, hot towel and cucumbers! My first ever! I didn't even know it was going to happen! Loved it! Then we had to shower real quick, get in the sauna for a few minutes and come back for the massage with hot baby oil. This starts out really nice and then gets a little painful but I always attribute massage pain in my back area to the fact that my back is a mess. And like many chiropractors have told me, I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders. Boy, do I! I had to let some sounds out at that point. There was no other way to deal. My attendant was digging her elbows into various parts of my back under the application of hot towels. At one point near the end I swear she got on top of me. It was all good. Now at least I know what to expect when I return which I most definitely shall.

Like I said, we ended by returning to the lower level bathing pools and oh, that was one of my favorite parts of the day! Each time we got in the pools it felt better than the last! After a while any body of water that I soak or wade in for relaxation purposes lulls me into some deep meditative place where even the accumulated increase of noise (in the evening the place was hopping with people, children, teens and adult females alike) arranges itself into a collective sort of chant and falls into the background. I feel very close to something I can't really describe, like peace I guess. The fact that such a large percent of our own bodies are made up of water and that we all spend about 9 months in the womb surrounded by water has to have something to do with the healing power of water on humans. It certainly does for me. I find it sensual, relaxing, hypnotizing, powerful and inspiring. It was kind of sad to leave but we're already making a date for our next visit. I could do this at least once year if not more. It's just that good!

Round 1

2011-09-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have a really fierce determination when it comes to learning new knitting styles. I don't consider this trait to be very characteristic of my attitude about other things in my life and I'm not sure why that is exactly. It may be that creating things is so important to me that I feel like a total loser if I can't learn how to make something new at least once a year. Learning to knit was very intimidating for me and the challenge of learning it made me really angry but it wasn't the knitting itself that pissed me off. It was me. It was my own inner blockages that angered me, my own impatience with myself. Because I knew I would get it. In fact for me, I just knew I had to.

In learning to knit in the round last night I faced the same old challenges. Every once in a while I get it in my head to do some sort of craft that I see incredibly talented people (mostly my flickr contacts) churning out on a daily basis. I get this bug! I can do that! And it becomes like a madness. I have to do it or I will become very depressed and disappointed with myself. I know that's not cool but it's how I approach it. But lately I have tried a slightly new approach so as not to be so hard on myself if things don't turn out "perfect." I tell myself that even if it's not perfect on the first try (I like to learn really quickly. It's crazy)I'm still making progress as long as I don't give up. There are steps to everything and you have to appreciate the steps as well a the outcome, because the outcome is only as good as the care you take with each step towards the progress you make. Yeah, I am now philosophizing about knitting.

So I started out with a circular knitting because I thought, "Oh knitting in a circle will make a seamless cirle! Easy!" I was wrong. But I also bought a set of five double pointed needles because I know that this is also another method I've seen used to knit in the round and I didn't want to take any chances in case I couldn't pick up the circular right away. I was right.

I found a really good youtube tutorial right away but in my lack of patience I still kept searching for others that would break this method down step by every little step. What that did was drive me nuts because there must be at least five different ways that people have to start knitting in the round. Finally I came back to this one. I knew that if I could just understand that magic moment when the two ends of yarn get joined in the circle, the rest would be relatively easy, just a repetition of the stitch round and round. This took a lot of pausing of the video and guess work based on my part using my own accumulated knowledge about the knitting in general. I had to go someplace quiet with the tutorial, in my bedroom and away from the television to focus. When I finally got it I laughed out loud or rather laughter tumbled out from inside me. The projected possibilities are what bring me so much joy.

Roundness! Sleeves! Socks! Hats! Ahhhhhh!!!! Well my first project is going to be a soft slouchy cowl scarf. I can remember looking at one a few years ago on a mannequin at Knitty City and never having imagined I could ever make one but loving the look of it so much. God! I might even take a try my hand at making a poncho one day! I LOOOVE PONCHOS! Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves! LOL! I need to learn patterns if I'm going to get into all of that that and I am not a fan of patterns. But hey, maybe I'll surprise myself again! We'll see!

The Black Power Mixtapes

2011-09-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

My bigot supervisor who fancies herself an ally of equality, feminism and civil rights shared this documentary with me this morning. She saw it this weekend and said she just loved it. *Sigh*

I doubt that anything in this documentary made nary a dent in that brain of hers but I am black, female, wearing my hair natural and starting my locks which always signals revolution to white people so I'm guessing her morning share was somehow related. Who am I kidding? It was directly related! But I have to say thank you to her after all! It looks great!

Now I'd like to share it with you! Happy Monday!!

1Q84

2011-09-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to say right now that I know this novel is not going to be all it's being hyped to be but as a faithful, and literature thirsty Murukami fan I'm going to read it anyway. I'd never known they could make a trailer for a book before but I guess anything can be made into a trailer right? We've got the format embedded in our DNA by now. I like how they used they strange ominous music from his website. Clever choice. I feel a film may be coming on. I just hope he doesn't sell out too hard.

"Murakami is like a magician who explains what he's doing as he performs the trick and still makes you believe he has supernatural powers . . . But while anyone can tell a story that resembles a dream, it's the rare artist, like this one, who can make us feel that we are dreaming it ourselves."
—The New York Times Book Review

Murakami's Coming!

2011-09-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

"Everybody, including me, has the terribly personal sense that Murakami is burrowing into their minds and writing just for them."
-Jay Rubin
"New Yorker" Interview

With Murakami's newest novel not due out here in the US until October, I've had to tide myself over reading some of his older novels which I have read several times before. I just finished "Sputnik Sweetheart" this weekend. It is translated by Phillip Gabriel, who is not my favorite of his English translators but there is a lot good stuff in this story. It just always feels very stitched together to me. I remember parts of it like the story of the woman who gets stuck in Ferris wheel with a bird's eye of her apartment where she watched helplessly as her doppelganger gets willingly defiled by a man whose clear intent she's been trying to avoid. But I can never remember how the story gets here or recall all the other narratives and stories in this novel as having any relation to each other, as a whole. It feels like a bunch of short stories thrown together.

In "Sputnik Sweetheart" as in most all his other novel, Murukami writes incredibly well about lonliness, isolation, dreams, death, music, sex and food. He writes fearlessly and irreverently but with great care. It's clear what is important. And his voice is unmistakably anti-authoritarian and yet also mistrusting of joining any group that would have him as a member Yes, it can be stifling. But he is unapologetic. And it is often this lack of a desire to apologize at least not to any external voice of judgment in his writing that I admire the most. It is often this voice both external and otherwise that blocks a steady flow of honest and/or brutal honesty for any writer.

Of course after listening to Jay Rubin's interview in the New Yorker on the challenges of translating Murakami and the fact that a translation means you're primarily reading the translators interpretation which is vastly different from the language being translated, has begun to make me wonder what is being lost! Is it even better straight from the Japanese? Well that's a pretty broad assumption but I'm sure there are many nuances that never make it through translation, which might add something to the work which we're never even aware of. Lord knows I think about that whenever I see a foreign movie with English subtitles. I can always tell when the subtitles are over simplifying dialogue which seems to have a lot more going than we can understand through this particular choice of English subtitling. This is why I admire the bilingual.

Well in the meantime I have also found the release of a short story titled, "Town of Cats" by Murakami in the New Yorker, which I believe is an excerpt from his new Orwell inspired novel, 19Q4. So I'll be reading that this week, trying to pick up some clues on what's to come.

How to make an overpriced Urban Outffitters necklace

2011-09-01T07:29:00.001-07:00

How to make an overpriced Urban Outffitters necklace
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Get a chain, any chain, that chain with the retro pendant you got from Forever 21 that everyone and their mom wore last summer. Find and chunky clip on earring from a thrift store or in your own home. Hang that earring on the chain.

There! That will be 30 dollars please!

Instagram: Share Your World

2011-08-24T06:52:00.000-07:00

I hate to sound like a spokesperson for instagram but I guess I am. I mean I think it's a genius app for sharing your world in a creative way. And it's free! But I think at this time it may only be available for iPhones.

My phone is with me all the time so as I go about my day doing whatever, there are many things I see each day that catch my eye, not just as a photographer but also as a curious person. I love to be able to just pull out my iPhone, click away and share what I see in real time. I can post it to Facebook, flickr, twitter and a whole list of other networks or I can just share it with my instagram contacts. Sometimes just picking up my phone to see what other people in my network have shared that day, where they've traveled and what interesting way they've chosen to compose and edit their subject is enough to cheer me up when I really need it or to inspire me and an make me smile as well. I have people in my instagram network who I know, and some whom I've never met or even seen but seeing what they see is almost like seeing another part of them. The pics I've included here are just some of the pictures I've taken in the past couple of weeks, things that caught my eye, that I think are beautiful, light or color or symmetry and reflection that I liked. They are very different than planned photography where I sit and compose carefully or arrange things to appear the way that I like. They are found captures. All I control is the filter and the frame.

Reflection on the Highline

Neighbors

Curtain

Rushing Home

Post Earthquake

2011-08-23T17:47:00.001-07:00

Post Earthquake
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I walked out of lunch at HB Burger with Fran this afternoon shortly after learning there was an earthquake. I looked up at the sky and took this shot. I didn't feel a thing.

AWKWARD BLACK GIRL (Are you?)

2011-08-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Me and one of my favorite girlfriends have this thing we do. We don't see each other all that often but we try to meet up at least once a month or so at Barnes and Noble. I won't say which one but it's our favorite one. It's in the middle of a lot of great stuff. We meet, stake out a table collect arm-fulls of magazines and books chat and laugh and catch up and discuss for hours while drinking tea or coffee or root beer and sometimes a slice of cheese cake. We're nerds so we like nothing more than to sit in a bookstore and chat about books and magazines while flipping through books and magazines and journals. Let's not forget journals. We have an unhealthy love for journals and paper goods. I am not exaggerating.

As a proud young black woman my friend is very much into finding ways to improve her health and positively evolve and expand her consciousness and after discussing the assault of predominantly white images of "beauty" in the first one hundreds pages of every fashion magazine on the table, she turned me on to some positive media that were geared more towards women who looked like us. One of those things was the Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl, a mini webisode on youtube produced, written and directed by a team of black actors. She let me watch a couple of episodes on her iPad and I nearly died laughing!!! I'm not sure how to describe it except to say that the things which the main character, a black woman named J. deals with daily in her workplace, the power dynamics, micro management, dealing with ignorant behavior and just plain absurd work situations were for me just so close to home, it was such a relief for me to watch and not feel like I'm totally fucking crazy. I'm sure this kind of thing takes place in the minds of a lot of working class woman of color. And White America, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is BBC's "The Office" which I am a diehard fan of. Love the American one too but Gervais will always win point with me for not selling out to comfort levels for ratings. His "Office" made me cringe.

I wish that if they actually got a network spot that this show would stay as it is but I just know they would have to take all the spirit out of it to get it up to some insidiously dishonest code so that it becomes a shell of itself. Maybe something like this could air on HBO but primetime will never want this. Well, it's only seven episodes on youtube and I really resent being left hanging on episode seven so I will do my best to support this project so that it has the chance to carry on and I can see what happens next! If you like it and you're awkward like J. I hope you will to.

: )

Makes me feel a way

2011-08-13T19:14:00.001-07:00

Makes me feel a way
Originally uploaded by TheWanderingEye

Something about this particular combination of color and light in a sunset strike me as so melancholy and beautiful in a sad way that I love. That plus a sweet breeze from the window. It's almost heartbreaking.

Public pool

2011-08-03T08:08:00.001-07:00

Public pool
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I'm still sort of learning how to swim but after an impromptu lesson with one of the parks staff a few weeks ago, I understand the dynamics of treading water better than I ever have and I can actually feel myself moving forward now. I just need to learn how to breath and not panic and keep my form.

I sense that it involves a great deal of rythym, balance, coordination and gettting to a place where you don't have to think about it anymore. You have to let yourself be suspended. I love water but I have problems trusting it completely or maybe myself completely or maybe both.

Facts about me through my favorite questionaires: Vanity Fair Questionaire

2011-08-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

This one was a little more difficult than the Pivot Questionaire but here are my answers for the record.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

The signature on the bottom of my outgoing work email is as follows:

"There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way." I don't remember who said that but I truly believe that. Without going into specifics, that is my idea of perfect happiness.

What is your greatest fear?

Not living up to my true potential. I don't think this bothers as many people as perhaps it should but then again maybe it shouldn't. That and pain... and waterbugs. I'm working on getting over the latter.

What historical figure do you most identify with?
I'm not sure I identify with a historical figure yet. I have a picture of Assata Shakur on my fridge. Not that I identify with her but I sort of envy her courage. She's smiling a very wise smile in the photo and it calms me often when I look at it. I hope to be able to have that expression one day.

Which living person do you most admire?

Is there really anyone admirable anymore? I admire my academic Advisor, Dana Ain Davis. She's funny, super fucking smart and she just really seems to enjoy life to the fullest. She also seems to derive something close to the same depth of love for eating and travel as I do.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My occasional coldness, my deep selfishness and the occasions when I use sarcasm deliberately to hurt.

What trait do you most deplore in others?

Small mindedness and lack of sense of humor. I can get along and find something to relate to in anyone but people without those two traits.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My collection of Blythe Dolls. Okay, just my collection of dolls in general.

On what occasion do you lie?

When I think it really won't hurt the situation or the person.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My gut because it's getting pretty gross.

What is your favorite journey?

Driving to Spring Valley with Francis on the weekends.When I need to disappear I do just that.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Long hair on women.I get it! It's beautiful! But it's just hair. It's not a quality and it is treated like one all the time. Nope, you're not a new person, sorry! You're you with long hair.

Which living person do you most despise?
It's sad and useless to despise people but if I had to choose one person, it would probably be like Donald Trump. He's a fucking idiot who was never cool. I think he's his own biggest fan Yeah I really don't like him at all.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Really? Dude! Nice! Like, ummm HELLOOO!! What the fuck?

What is your greatest regret?

Probably dropping out of college. But it couldn't be helped it seems; nervous breakdown and all.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Francis Daniel my fiancee, partner, best friend, playmate, teacher; more so than I probably even know. Sometimes I have a hard time believing he's really as amazing as he is but he is. And I'm lucky and thankful as heck.

When and where were you happiest?

I had a great childhood so probably when I was a girl. I was right where I wanted to be.

Which talent would you most like to have?

I would love love love to know how to play an instrument, drums, guitar or piano

What is your current state of mind?
The usual state of existential quandary and then lunch.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would be more business savvy and better at saving, so I guess a bit more practical and not so impulsive.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

I would have my parents still be together.

If you could choose what or who to come back as, what would it be?

A cat. I am a cat in spirit.

What do your consider your greatest achievement?
So far, not going completely crazy. That's not a small thing.

What is your most treasured possession?

My ability to laugh at myself and enjoy my own company. If I had to be around people all the time I don't know what I would so. I don't genuinely like very many people. My imagination. That's my most treasured possession.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Probably being broke or out of work for a long time.

What is your most marked characteristic?

That's a tough one. People think I'm well spoken and intelligent on a wide range of subject. I continue to let them think that. I'm a Gemini so maybe my most marked characteristic is versatility. I often wish I could literally split myself up seven ways.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Genuine kindness, intellect, sensuality and a great sense of humor will go far with me. That and nice eyes.

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?

Sense of humor, intelligence, creativity, confidence.

What do you most value in your friends?
Sense of humor, sensitivity, nurturing and communication. Being up for anything at any moment.

Who are your favourite writers?

James Baldwin, Haruki Murakami, Richard Brautigan I know there are more but those three are definitely at the top. If they wrote telephone books I would read them.

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?

That's hard, and makes me realizes I read a lot of men and books with male protagonists lately.Can't this question be about movies?

Who are your heroes in real life?

My mom, James Baldwin, Assata Shakur, Nikki Giovanni, Michelle Obama. I also think hero worship is overrated but we all do it.

What are your favourite names?
Oh brother. Sci/fi, Wink, Journey and Leumeria. Oh you mean regular names. I'm bored.

What is it that you most dislike?
Feeling trapped in any way or suffocated, unable to leave a situations or the company of a person I desperately want to leave.

How would you like to die?
Painlessly.

What is your motto?

"Everyone has their role in history to play. Mine is clouds."
-R.Brautigan

Photo of the Day

2011-07-31T15:38:00.001-07:00

Untitled
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

A very tiny world captured with my camera phone macro lens this weekend in The Central Park Conservancy.

Facts about me through my favorite questionaires

2011-07-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

I've always enjoyed the questionnaire by French Journalist Bernard Pivot used by James Lipton on "The Actors Studio" so I will start with that one.

What is your favorite word? Create
What is your least favorite? Closed
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Natural light. In terms of photography, natural light light tells a story that anyone can appreciate. Before electricity was invented, the only source of light was the sun, the moon, candles and fire. Studio light which has it's on unique emotion began as an imitation of natural light. But the fact that light creates and reflects emotions is endlessly fascinating to me.
What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? People who think that what they know about something, their limited expertise which must always be limited because all knowledge is limited, is the same for everyone even people they don't know. It really pisses me off and to me it's something a lot of people do when they are fearful of what they don't know. They pretend they already know so they don't need to learn anymore, just tell everyone else what they think is necessary.
What sound or noise do you love? The sound of the ocean or any water falling like the rain
What sound or noise do you hate? The sound of a DVD menu playing over and over again.
What is your favorite curse word?Fuck
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I don't currently have a profession but when I do it will be a cross between writer/photographer/designer
What profession would you not like to do? Anything having to do with being part of or the head of a corporation.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Remember me?

Next Questionnaire: Vanity Fair

Swimmer in training

2011-07-13T09:40:00.001-07:00

Marcus Garvey Park Pool ducks
Originally uploaded by Zanalee
Every summer the public park across the street from me has adult lap pol swimming in the evening. I've been going on and off just about every summer for the last two or three years usually at the prompting of good friend of mine who lives a few minutes away as well.

Yesterday, a guy who works there at the park pool, was kind enough to give me my first real swimming lesson ever. He taught me just how my arms and hands should go over my head, a little bit about how to breath and also how to kick my legs. These are things that I've gathered in snatches over the years from several other people, friends and family but never really understood until now.

Until now, I've only done a clever imitation of swimming. But now that I understand the form better, I can feel just how much of a work out it really is. Your entire body has to be in motion and in coordination. There's a lot of balance to it. I really like it. Plus which, I sleep so well after a swim, it's wonderful. It's like an instant sedative. I'm a light sleeper and sometimes it takes me a while to get there but after a swim, I usually hit the pillow and barely move until the morning.

Feed Me Ocean

2011-07-11T05:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I've gone so long without going to the ocean. As a girl, a vacation meant we were going to the ocean.Coney Island, Florida, Trinidad, Barbados....ocean. Period. I need it. I need to be in water. I need to hear waves. I need to dissolve in ocean water.

This weekend I went to Coney Island after not having visited since I was a little girl. As a Brooklyn native, Coney Island was a ritual we attended every summer. but it got really bad in the 80s, ruined by overcrowding, litter,drug and crime. Plus which, after going to oceans in the Caribbean I was spoiled forever by warm, crystal clear water and couldn't even imagine how any New York Beach could compare. Longbeach is not bad though. A friend took me there a a year our so ago and enjoyed it very much once I got over the shock of having to pay to get in. That took me a minute. Coney Island is still free and it's amazing! I was totally thrilled looking at at the rides you see as soon as you come across the street from Coney Island station. It's just so classic! And on the boardwalk the dancers were out and the music was vibrating under my feet and everyone was just having such a great time! I totally got sucked into watching the dancers for a bit before walking further down and then onto the beach which was not at all crowded. I got there pretty late in the afternoon(after 4:00)on purpose. It's amazing, the moment the pulsing music on the boardwalk fades out and the soft sound of the ocean surf takes over. It's a sound I could listen to just all day, all week.

The water was cold but perfect because it was pretty hot but not humid and with a wonderful breeze and the sound of seagulls. I walked along the beach for bit with my feet in the water watching kids and people bathing and laughing and crying. I always want to walk out on the wooden peg dividers but I didn't because I know it's dangerous. Everything about the ocean draws me in and hypnotizes me into forgetting about safety. I have to be careful of that. That and learn how to swim. LOL!!

Photo of the Day

2011-07-04T20:18:00.001-07:00

More real than real
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

This weekend I went to my dad's place for dinner and also so that he could explain how to use his Hassleblad medium format film camera which he has kindly lent me for a bit.

I have to say, i really love listening to my dad talk about photography. I like hearing about how he first caught the bug, when he was serving in Vietnam of all places. But then Vietnam is just as good a place as any to get bit by the photography bug, especially at that time.

He said that at that time cameras were just beginning to be made with built in light meters and this was a huge thing at the time since previous cameras required an external meter to take light readings of any subject. It was a new trend just like anything else. So many of the men in his company were getting them so her got one too. He said that he remembered taking a picture of a helicopter taking off once. When you look at a helicopter the propeller is spinning so fast that all anyone ever sees is a blur, but apparently he had taken the photo with a film speed that captured the blades individually, almost as if it were standing still. It may sound like a simple thing now but it was enough for him. He wanted to know more.

My story is different and I'll save it for another time. Besides, in addition to the incredible wonder of this Hassleblad, I think my photo bug story is still evolving.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Photo of the Day

2011-06-28T08:38:00.001-07:00

Headed to the studio
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

The great thing about extended summer hours at CUNY is that I get up early enough to see stuff like this.

Alicia Keys gave a special performance at Times Square this morning. I saw the announcement on GMA this morning so I wasn't surprised to see the horde of people as I emerged from the station on my way to work. I showed up just as she finished playing the piano they had set up for her on a raised platform but I did manage to get a few shot as she came down and headed to the studio.

Photos of The Day

2011-06-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

I took these photos at the Central Park Conservatory this weekend. I can't tell you how hard I worked to get these just perfect. I've been shooting in manual mode on my Nikon more often and I love it. Manual is literally just shooting the way you would with a regular film camera if you can remember what that was like. There was no auto focus, no little red light or beeping alert telling you what to do. It gives you control over focus, light metering and depth of field. Fortunately, my Nikon give me the option to go back to a somewhat analog style of shooting. I don't have a macro lens on my camera but I thought I would play around in manual to get this somewhat macro close effect. It came out so much better than I imagined.

Can we talk about how absolutely miraculous the structure of flowers are? I was just in awe looking at these forms of life up close. There is so much going on in the world of plants that we don't know about. As insignificant as it may seem to us, our survival is dependent in many ways upon their ability to function in a balanced eco system. I now begin to understand why Stevie Wonder was moved to make a double album about them for the soundtrack of a small documentary of the same name. There really is a secret life there.

Photo of the Day

2011-06-25T19:10:00.001-07:00

Becoming something of a study
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I know I've missed a few. Believe me, I have more than made up for it today. God, what a beautiful day. The breeze felt great on my skin and the threatening rain clouds remained at bay.

This is yet another picture taken from my apt window with Cameramatic. This vantage point is as the title states, becoming something of study lately. What can I say? The sunset is amazing from here.

It's amazing what goes on between the clouds and the sunlight while we go about the daily routines of our lives. It's another world.

Hassleblad, come to me...

2011-06-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

If you're not a camera nerd, you don't want none of this.

Okay, now that we're all on the same page, I was looking through someone's amazing film photos on flickr just now (as usual) and I mean amazing, like things you can't simulate with digital, breathtaking stuff and in the contact's profile she says she uses Rolieflex twin lens cameras as well as digital Nikons. This lead me to an ebay search for the camera my dad owned when I was a child and when I saw it I was knocked out with memories of playing with it when he wasn't around. A Roleiflex at that time was a pretty incredible thing for a child, because technically it was one of the first cameras that had a view finder that looked kind of like a screen. On occasion, when no one was home but my bother and I, I would go into my parents bedroom and pull out the Rolielex from where my dad kept it on the shelf. I would flip up the top and look down into it while moving around the room. It was a bit like watching a movie, that's all. Very simple, but I thought it was so cool! I would click the shutter, sure that there was no film inside, but clicked it anyway just because I loved the satisfyingly deep thunk sound it would make. I would also open it occasionally as if I was going to load film. It had all these fun clasps and latches and I just really liked figuring it out for myself, the way my dad had taught me. I didn't know squat about photography really. Roleis are just beautiful cameras. I always love seeing them.

Hassleblad

So while I looked at a ebay listing of one just now, it occurred to me that I wasn't sure whether my dad had sold his or not so I called him and it turns out he did. I just wanted to be sure. And then I remembered his Hassleblad. The Swedish made, medium format film camera he bought while I was a teenager. That camera takes some amazing shots and takes the same film (120 format) as a Rolieflex so I took a chance and asked if he would ever let me use it. I felt sure he would back out of it jokingly, but he agreed readily that it would be fine! WHAAAT??

I sure hope he understands that by use, I mean maybe possibly borrow, babysit, kidnap for a bit. LOL!!

Obama, most popular Baby President Ever!

2011-06-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe this is showing my age or something, but now that I think about it even back in my twenties, one of the qualities I found really sexy in a man was his ability to seamlessly connected with children. Yes, I go weak at the knees when men I really love pick up kids and love on them and connect with them on their level in any way. So when I saw this clip this morning on GMA, I swear, my eyes got watery and just melted. And look at Obama's face! He knows he's got this! Oh, I need a moment.

Michelle, it's not too late to have one more! Please! So we can watch this all the time! Work on that! LOL!!!

Photo of the Day

2011-06-20T19:17:00.001-07:00

Sunset in Harlem
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Today's photo of the day is of the sky after the sun setting as seen from my apartment window. I used the camera app, Cameramatic which I found out about after harassing a poor young man in Italy whose acquaintance I made one morning as we were frantically dashing to download new hipstamatic lens on the FB page last year.

We were both posting that we were having problems and ended up trouble shooting together. He's a fantastic photographer, whose photos, for me, have a lot of intensity and weight. We became contacts on flickr and I also follow his work on the Instagram app. Recently he started using this filter and I nearly flipped for every photo I saw that he took using it.

I don't really know how to explain it, but this composition really makes me feel something, something sort of melancholy and nostalgic but not in a manipulated way. The simplicity of the over contrasted silhouette, grainy over processed due tones and film sprockets. It really makes me think of a simpler time i guess. Simple and familiar. I grew op in a house of photography and this is what it felt like.

Photo of the Day

2011-06-18T20:56:00.001-07:00

Untitled
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I've lived in Harlem for 3 years now and only today did I find the shoe repair place just a few blocks away! I am thrilled!

You can't high tech shoe repair! It's old school. It has to be. Cobblers are old school. I'm just so glad that the guy seems nice. I am so excited to go back and take pictures, you don't even know! I like his set up a lot. He's got a poster of MIles Davis to the right of the counter and this great row of shoe shine chairs. And of course that wonderful smell of shoe polish. Mmm! I love that smell.

I took my cowboy boots over there this afternoon. They've been collecting dust for over a year but are in great condition. I'm not about to let another summer so by without them. YAY!

Hard Boiled Review from 2006

2011-06-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading "Haruki Murakami and the Music of Words" by Jay Rubin, a nice dense review of Murakami's books by friend and translator, Jay Rubin which I found in Chelsea his week on a table foe seven bucks. I had exactly seven bucks on me. I had heard about this book in another book on Murakami's literary popularity entitled "A Wild Haruki Chase" compiled and translated by the Japanese Foundation. Since Murakami's latest book which is already released in Japan is not scheduled to be released until October of next year, I've been lusting after anything else I could find by or about him on and off for months. Once I start a book by Murakami, it's pretty much light out on the "real" world until I'm done. No matter what is happening (at least in most cases, I found his last novel surprisingly disappointing l and actually gave it away.) I can open a book of his and be completely submerged.

What Jay Rubin does, albeit not always successfully but as well as can be expected for someone as elusive as Murakami, is take you through his journey as a writer and through his strict disciplinary
process while trying to answer some questions about the strange way he develops characters and where his stories come from inside of him, who his greatest influences are, early and late. It's really revealed a lot more about him for me than I expected and it's thrilling finally to be able to connect some of his strangest plot devices to some logical although at times dream like sensibilities. I continue to be a huge fan.

I was updating this latest read in Goodreads when I came across a review I wrote 5 years ago of one of his, to understate, most ambitious and eccentric novels.

Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Haunting. Made me think of Radiohead's "Where I End and You Begin." Even if you've read three Murakami books by now, you're still not prepared for this! I can't even explain what this book is about. All I can say is that he does for the literary world what Michael Gondry does for movies. Somehow, as crazy as it all seems, it expresses, at least for me, the intricate workings of those who live very deeply within their own minds. Murakami's imagination crosses a traditional boundary into a whole other level of possibilities. He sometimes reminds me of Robert Cormier (The Chocolate War) who I used to love to read when I was younger because his storytelling disturbed me in a deeply provocative way. The theme of something ominous shadowing a deluded sense of safety combined with humor, sensuality, adventure, intelligence and an irreverent hope. Incidentally his characters (mainly male) always cook great food and listen to jazz. I love that.

View all my reviews

Photo Jojo Camera Phone Lenses

2011-06-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Fisheye, Macro, and Wide Angle Camera Phone Lenses at the Photojojo Store!

Fisheye, Macro, and Wide Angle Camera Phone Lenses at the Photojojo Store!

Oh, it's about to go down...

Photo of the Day

2011-06-17T09:53:00.001-07:00

Untitled
Originally uploaded by TheWanderingEye

What I love most about skate boarding competitions is that moment right at the edge where the boarder is suspending in the air for a few seconds. It looks so fun and freeing but I would never try it myself.

I regret not being able to catch the moments that occurred here on my camera yesterday but I was in such awe just watching and only caught the last five minutes or so of it with a good friend and co-worker. I've never seen it on real life before, only on television. I would really love to see it again.

Photo of the Day

2011-06-16T12:50:00.001-07:00

Bryant Park Chess Match
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Bryant Park has a series of public spaces set of for games in the summer: bocce ball, ping pong, and chess. I love watching people pay chess, not so much because I love chess but because it brings all kinds of people together. They just gather in crowds like it's this big tournament and there's just this air of contagious excitement around it.

I have however never, ever seen a woman or a young play, at least not in Bryant Park. If I do, you definitely will too.

Fortunately for me, these guys had just set up as I was finishing lunch with a co-worker so there were no spectators yet and I was able to walk up and politely take a shot which the older gentleman said was fine with him. I love how focused looking people are when they play chess. It's so cool! Sorry. I'm a geek.

Photo of the day

2011-06-15T13:43:00.001-07:00

Originally uploaded by Zanalee

The obligatory summer sandal shot. Except I really kind of like these shots actually. I'm sooo glad that I put my four favorite pairs of sandals from last summer in a bag in the back of the closet all winter so that I wouldn't have to scramble all over the place like a mad person looking for them this morning.

This is one pair. They're a bit dingy from wear but I still love them. I promise no more wardrobe shots after this...maybe.
LOL!

Photo of the Day

2011-06-14T16:19:00.001-07:00

Little People's reading table
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

This is one the little kids reading table at "The Reading Room" in Bryant Park. I eat there at least once a week when the weather gets warm. I love the idea of bringing books, magazines and periodicals outside for the public to read whenever they want. I rarely see kids there but again, I love that they provide the space and books for them as well.

Photo of The Day

2011-06-13T21:13:00.001-07:00

Originally uploaded by Zanalee
I have decided to do a "Photo of The Day" entry in addition to my regular entries every day for a bit. I will post a pic I've taken (usually from my flickr account) and say a bit about it. And that's it.

This is a building in Chelsea around 18th Street where I was this morning. I love the red brick and the moldings around the window frames. I took this using the Instagram app. I added a cirular tilt shift effect.

Octo-Mind

2011-06-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

My mind has countless arms
Reaching,
Some I can't even see,
Some I don't even know about
And perhaps for my sake
May never get to see,
That is if my self remains as always
Never free.
My mind has countless arms
That reach.
They grasp and pull and tug
Like a baby
And like a thug
Like a weaver
And like a bum.
They wave fondly at others
And shake a fist at some.
My mind is making arms that will
Preserve my legacy.
My mind is making arms that will
liberate and strangle me,
and sometimes they both feel the same.
But my two hands that I can see
Are vulnerable and empty.
They sense the underlying game.

-Zenzile Greene
(Written in Bryant Park)

It's been a while, kind of...

2011-06-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

I think my last entry was on how I learned the true meaning of my name on my birthday. I am now sitting at a reception desk where I work weighing the pros and cons of attending an honors ceremony by catching a ride with someone I despise to a place I hate to go. Not much has changed.

Oh wait that's not quite true. I've gained more weight, my knees crack more and my back pretty much hurts all the time if I'm not careful. I've noticed that all the chiropractors at the practice I go once a week are all male an all white. This is not something that would have occurred to me about 15 years ago. Now it's starting to make me wonder. I can't buy food anywhere anymore without wondering about the conditions of the place, what the benefits are like and whether that bored and depressed look on the cashier's face is that way for many of the same reasons mine is often. I wonder if they're exhausted from fake smiling all day and pretending to be civil to supervisors, they'd just as soon see dropped off of a tall building. I wonder if their lives are treadmill like and what they do to temporarily relieve that each day. I guess for me, photography is a very big part of what I do to escape from the banal routine. Writing used to be this for me but hasn't been for quite some time. I think photography and nature may two of the last few places I can go to breath anymore. Everybody's got their something and that is mine. And if it wasn't for the work of others I don't know if I would feel the same. Creativity is fed by creativity so if you're not inspired, neither am I. Thank God for nature.

So let's see, where does that leave me? It's scorching hot today, about to get worse tomorrow and I'll be upstate with Fran this weekend, maybe taking in the new Woody Allen film and if it's not too hot maybe a game of catch on the Ramapo High Football field. I like playing catch with Francis. It's very calming and reminds me of when I was girl playing baseball with my dad and brother in Prospect Park in Brooklyn. We talk, we laugh, we get to just enjoy being outside. Yeah, I'm an expert at escaping and relaxing. But regardless, there are some very practical, some very urgent matters that are starting to catch up with me. If I can tackle even one of those this summer, I would feel pretty triumphant.

My name is Zenzile

2011-05-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

My mom picked my brother Gaidi’s name out of a book of African names. It was a thin book I remember, thin and worn with a blue cover. As a girl, I would take it out to flip through every so often and find my brothers listed among a column of male names. Gaidi is an East African name that means Guerilla fighter. The name in the book was underlined I imagined by my mom. I would always look for my name but I knew it wasn’t there. My name was not chosen from this book of names. It was chosen from the back of the album cover of one of my mother’s favorite artists, Jon Lucien a singer songwriter born in the British Virgin Islands. The song entitled “Zenzile” was off the album “Rashida.”

Over the years, my mom came up with several definitions for my name, some she made up, like “to pierce through” because she felt I had very piercing eyes, and some like “hard worker” which we found somewhere vague or heard from someone who heard from someone else that said this was it’s meaning. I started doing internet searches years ago looking for the meaning and all I found, in addition to a French band, the popular book “Zenzele” (everyone who’s read it says I should too) and general dead ends are a couple of women who, having given the name to new born babies, also wanted to know what it meant. All we ever new for sure about the name was that it was South African.

I met a student with the same name over the phone at my job while I was taking down her contact information only last year. It knocked me out when she started spelling it and I was like, she’s spelling my name! But that was pretty much the extent of our conversation. Long before that I had resigned myself to being satisfied with having a name I love but whose meaning I have never really been sure of.

Tonight at a birthday gathering for my friend and academic mentor, who share my birthday as well, I met a woman from South Africa who asked me how I got the name Zenzile. She said that it is a very common name in South Africa and a very beautiful name meaning “We have done it” in Zulu. I feel like this one of several wonderful birthday gifts I have received today. I have never known the true meaning of my name before and tonight after completed my 36^th revolution around the sun, I now know. And I love it even more.

My Sunbonnet Babies!

2011-05-16T12:34:00.001-07:00

My Sunbonnet Babies!
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I don't really know how to make you understand about this book but it is a book my mom used to read to me when I was a girl and that I read for myself over and over again as soon as I was able. It was one of the many books that sparked my imagination about far off lands, planted the seed of association with Holland to Tulips, Cheese, clogs and windmills and essentially paved the way to my ultimately bookwormness.

I was also obsessed with knowing what the Sunbonnet babies really looked like since they wore the Bonnets in all their books. In this book they briefly trade the Bonnets with their cousins and you finally get to see their faces! That was what passed as a thrill for me as girl! LOL!!

I found this nice cheap copy on Amazon last week and decided to order it hoping it was like the one we had when I was a girl and not some awful reprint. This is a "reprint of the Antique Original Edition" but I flipped through it and smelled the pages (I like smelling book pages, I know, weird) and it's the real thing. It's exactly how I remember it.

Oh I cannot wait to get home and read it to myself again! *Sigh*

A Reminder

2011-05-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

"If I get old
I will not give in.
But If I do,
Remind me of this.

Remind me that
Once I was free.
Once I was cool
Once I was me

And If I sat down
And crossed my arms
Hold me
Until this song.

Knock me out.
Smash out my brains
If I take the chair
and start to talk shit.

If I get old
Remind me of this
That night we kissed
and I really meant it

Whatever happens
If we're still speaking
Pick up the phone
Play me this song"

-Radiohead

Happy Mothers Day!

2011-05-08T16:58:00.001-07:00

Happy Mothers Day!
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

An old photo my dad took of us at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden where mom inspired me at a young age to meditate on the beauty of nature and balance. It's because of her that I love the garden so much. It's one of the many countless precious things she has given me that continues to give back. I love you mommy!
♥

Return of The D60

2011-04-28T17:21:00.001-07:00

Return of The D60
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Happy Days are Here Again!

Harlem Glow

2011-04-26T16:34:00.001-07:00

Harlem Glow
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

They were standing outside of the Starbucks on the corner of 125th and Lex. I saw them as soon as I emerged from the train station. They were handing out cards to a Queen Afua event at the National Black Theater. For those who don't know, Queen Afua is a renowned Black herbalist, healer, writer, among other things who I have been acquainted with through my mother for many years.

I rarely ever ask people if I can take pictures of them but these three ladies just looked so beautiful I had to! I mean they just glow! The best advertisement for healthy living ever. : )

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T10:10:00.001-07:00

P042411PS-0115
Originally uploaded by The White House

My favorite First Family giving praise.
: )

Arielle's

2011-04-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

She was sitting in the far right corner of the restaurant near the exit. I couldn’t really see her because she was too far away. She was sitting with a gentleman and every so often would trade remarks with the large party sitting in the center of the small space to our left just over Fran’s shoulder. When the man she was with got up to use the restroom, she began to put on this bright yellow jacket. She eased it on steadily and it drew my attention to her. She appeared to be looking right at me suddenly and her lips were moving as if she was talking to me. I couldn’t hear a thing but I could see her eyes and I smiled at her.

In a matter of seconds, she had gotten up and walked right over to me. Now pulling her yellow jacket on completely and standing before me, she bent over a bit to look me right in the face. She was an old white woman in her late 60s maybe, tall, slim and with just the best British accent and Anglophile could hope for. She looked at me with an unexpected and non-invasive gentleness and told me that I reminded her of a school mate she knew in London about fifty years ago, a woman from Nigeria who she said was very beautiful and whom she had lost touch with and never seen again. She said that looking at me was like seeing her again fifty years back in time. I was so touched that I could barely do anything but just look at her and that yellow jacket beaming at me. I asked her how the woman’s name was spelled and she told me. I know how it feels to be thinking of someone that you have no way of reaching or of even knowing if they are still around or not. I could tell she really loved this woman. She said she just wanted to tell me that and when I found my voice I said something or other I can’t remember, something in the way of thanking her for the compliment. When the man, who I imagine was her husband, came back, it was like watching this perfectly coupled unit. All of their movements together, her helping him with his coat, them puttering around looking for her umbrella which Fran and I spotted under a table next to theirs had clearly been done countless times.But never before at Arielle’s while Fran and I looked on, as it drizzled lightly out on the street in Rhinebeck.

We are violent

2011-04-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

"We are violent. That is a fact. We get angry, we conform, we imitate, we follow, we are aggressive-and aggression takes many forms, the polite, gentle aggresiveness, with a kids glove, persuading you through affection. That is a particular form of violence. Compelling you to think along a patricular line, that is violence. Violence is very, very complex and to understand it, to go into the very depths, one must see the fact first and not just affirm 'We should be non-violent.'

There is only that which is, which is violence. Non-violence is non-fact, not a reality, it is a projection of thought in order to escape from, or to accept violence and pretend that we are becoming non-violent. So can we look at violence free from all that, free from escape, free from ideals, from suppression and actually observe what violence is?"

J. Krishnamurti
"The Flame of Attention"

My Nikon is Gone...

2011-04-12T13:29:00.000-07:00


Left to right, Nikon Coolpix, Lumix 12x, Nikon D40. The difference is clear, to me anyway.

...for two to three weeks. It's in the shop because of some asinine fracking shutter release error that doesn't allow me to take a picture. I had to hold back tears when the guy at Cameraland told me two to three weeks instead of two to three days. That's going to feel like an eternity to me. And while that time goes by and I'm taking sub par photos with my lame (I'm sorry Lumix) point and shoot, I'll be trying hard not to think of all the control over light, shadow and exposure (oh god) that I'll be missing every second of the day. *SIGH*

Sunday Shitty Sunday

2011-04-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

ALL THE BLACK PEOPLE!

2011-04-04T21:38:00.001-07:00

dance_to_the_music_part_4_by_al_tele
Originally uploaded by al_tele

I think i may have just found all the black people on flickr! And I am beyond happy. Athough, looking through all the amazing photos of black people on flickr sets "blackpeople" and "Negrophile" my next thought goes to wondering what percentage of the photographers themselves are actually black.

What does this matter you ask? Well it matters to me. I like to feel like I'm a part of a group of like minded artists on flickr but I've been missing some darker skinned people in that world. I miss seeing them. And damn they are beautiful!

But it's an interesting thought. How do race politics play a part in the result or product of a picture? Is there a difference if the people behind and/or in front of the camera are of the same race or different races? I have never really thought about it until this very moment and somehow it's taken seed in me as something I will need to explore more extensively in the very near future. Omigosh, I really like this idea.

A LOT!!!

...and now I'm off to get lost in images of Black people.

Me and "You & Me"

2011-03-31T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is the result of a fantastic collaboration with Jedd Flanscha and Kirk Grisham and others one sunny day a few months ago in Brooklyn back when there was still snow on the ground.

My friend Kirk had asked me way in advance if I could do the photo shoot for a website on Gay Men's health and relationships that he was a part of through his work at Columbia. As I have mentioned before, directed studio photography of human beings is not really my forte. But this group of guys had to be the most laid back, the most casual, the most comfortable in their own skin group I have ever encountered.

Jedd Flanscha and Kirk Grisham

I had gotten to Jedd's about and hour or so in advance and Kirk showed up a little later. Jedd, who is also incredibly cool, explained to me his vision for the website layout and had me look at a the design he'd created on his office computer. He also created the "You & Me" branding for the t-shirts and armbands himself. Jedd is a graphic designer who works from home out of a gorgeous brownstone in Brooklyn with a living room that gets just the most amazing light from the large window on the street side. This was the light I used primarily to shoot all the photos for the site. I am really impressed with how they came out and really proud of the presentation. Again, it was not too heavily directed which is right up my alley. People seemed to have very natural chemistry with each other and there was very little pressure or a sense of judgment over getting a look just right but then again there was so little that went wrong. I think the idea was to capture something genuine and candid and intimate and I think we did that.

So maybe I need to start getting some more studio work experience under my belt and warming up to the idea of a more commercial kind of photography after all. We'll see. : )

A Memory of Cloves (and some Anbesol)

2011-03-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

In the area where I work there's always someone smoking cloves somewhere. I always smell it just as I'm walking out into the street after finishing lunch. It's a sweet smell that I really love. I never see the person or people who are smoking them but the scent just sort of lingers briefly and I breath it in nostalgically. I used to smoke clove cigarettes in college. Actually in high school under Julio's influence or was it M? She's the first person I ever met who smoked them which was just like her because she was always doing something that no one else I knew at the time ever did. So I guess we started smoking them because of her. Who can remember the sequence? It was her who I asked for the first time, where she bought them. Clove cigarettes were sweet and smooth with a sedative effect of varying degrees.The taste would numb the tip of the tongue just slightly. Cloves have a natural numbing agent and are recommended to rub in crushed form on the gums if you have a tooth ache. Kind of like nature's Orajel. That was actually how I first became acquainted with Ben. We became acquainted through Orajel, no Anbesol. To this day, I cannot think of Anbesol without thinking of Ben. But that's another story.

In High School we smoked Djarums. But by the time I was in college I had developed a sharp pain in my chest after a while and had to quit smoking them pretty much forever. So when I smell them now, I just sort luxuriate in the memories it evokes and of the Nat Sherman store just a block away where Julio and I used to buy boxes of fancy "Touch of Clove" cigarettes with gold colored filters.

I remember when I was girl and my mom used to have my brother and I do crafts all the time which she got from this book called "Wee Wisdom." One of them involved sticking cloves in an apple until it was completely covered. It was meant to place in a clothes closet or drawers to avoid staleness or moths or something. The smell was amazing but I can't ever remember ever having used the clove apples in drawers or anything. Maybe I should try that in my apartment.
: )

Signs of Spring

2011-03-15T14:48:00.001-07:00

Signs of Spring
Originally uploaded by TheWanderingEye

Just the word crocus makes me think of beginnings and birth. Seeing them, it's hard not to be a little cheerful. They're just so cute and beautiful, so young and new. They defy my shitty mood.

I called out sick from work today. Because it just was not going to happen. You ever get that feeling? I got up, or rather my body got up. My body began it's automatic, daily morning ritual. I think I got as far getting my towel and staring at my bathrobe. I could feel the hollow echo of a persistent migraine behind my left eye. If I left, it would only get worse. It would never stop. I just wasn't going to make it to work today. On-empty.
E-M-P-T-Y

Particulars about sheep

2011-03-14T08:41:00.001-07:00

Again
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

"I went over your vita in some detail. You have an interesting history. Now people can generally be classified into two groups: the mediocre realists and the mediocre dreamers. You clearly belong to the latter. Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer."

-A Wild Sheep Chase

The Long Haul

2011-03-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

"I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end"

-NIN

"Every Day is Exactly The Same"

Another Day, Another Baby: A Doula Story

2011-03-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

video platform video management video solutions video player

When just one person who is not afraid to show love and who knows what it's like to be in the position of these Black women whom society has undervalued and pushed aside and knows that there is beauty and love and purpose in these women, possibility, understanding and hope for future generations begins to emerge and to flood desolate thinking with nurture and care.

You can watch this entire documentary right here or on the website or where ever you wish but please watch it. It is an hour of the most genuine display of compassion, education and love. It also reminds me of how people who take care of others the way Loretha Weisinger does also need to be taken care of as well. They need to be taken care of and supported so that they can continue to do what they are destined to do.

Picture of the Week

2011-03-01T10:11:00.001-08:00

Originally uploaded by TheWanderingEye

Sunday in Central Park, was really just what I needed and that does not come around very often. There were people around but not so much that I couldn't find a nice isolated spot to do my homework reading and it was insanely warm so that made it even better. I took a few hundred pictures, wandered around quietly in my favorite places and then sat on a bench for about an hour and a half and read about colonization and how it plays out in the workplace. Happy stuff.

.......................................

2011-02-24T08:03:00.000-08:00

It's been a tough week, a really tough week. And I know that there are countless people who have it so much worse of than me, people who are suffering, dying, being tortured in unspeakable ways every day. I know that. But sometimes I just don't get it. I just don't get that this is really living, this mindless, day to day, tedious, mind numbing, soul destroying grind. And sometimes I just wanna disappear until my heart comes back. Because right now, it's really buried under a layer of anger, defense, cynicism, selfishness and other horrible things.

This morning one of my co-workers was raving to me about how nice the Bryant Park Bathroom was compared to the one we have here. I totally agreed with her. It is the best kept secret in New York! There are fresh flowers, music, revolving seat covers, a 24 hour cleaning staff. She said that with the demoralized condition in office (it's been this way for almost a year) the Bryant Park bathroom really cheered her up! And I know exactly what she meant. But do you see where I'm going with this? We're talking about a fucking clean bathroom!!!!! I mean these are the basics folks!! The little things that get you through the day. And lately too many of those little basic things have been going haywire in this place and I'm just sort of raw. I'm on edge. I don't know what's next.

He Won't Back Down

2011-02-18T08:26:00.000-08:00

Ricky Gervais. How many ways do I love thee? LOL!!! Even I cringed watching this. I mean COME ON!!! He fucking topples idols!!
I am relieved to see that many of the people he cracked on actually had the sense enough to laugh at themselves. It's not like he said anything that wasn't true. *SIGH!* Oh, Hollywood needs this more often. Like the original British "Office" created by Gervais, if you feel awkward and uncomfortable watching this, it's because there's something awful going on. Hint: It's not Ricky Gervais.

I Will Follow "I Will Follow"

2011-02-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

So when I dragged my butt out of my apt on Saturday afternoon to meet my friend who invited me to see this film at BAM, I thought we were just going to see a movie. I was tired, period just started, the weather as you know was awful, but I went anyway and I'm so glad I did because this was more than a movie. It was a Black People's Brooklyn event! I was born in Brooklyn so, I was clearly supposed to be there. LOL!

My friend went to UCLA with the director of "I Will Follow," Ava DuVerny and was coming out to support her film which screened at BAM late that afternoon as part of the "BAM Cinematek" series. The audience was predominantly black and female and there were press and presenters and a Q&A afterward. I had no idea.

The film, which follows the journey of a middle aged woman who has just lost her Aunt to breast cancer and was a powerful motivation in her life takes place in Topenga California. When DuVernay came on to introduce it, she stated plainly that it was neither edgy or avant garde but just a straight forward semi-autobiographical narrative.

From the opening ten minutes I was hooked. Not only was it wonderfully shot and gorgeously lit, but the characters were refreshingly genuine and engaging in way I was so happy to see for the first time in a long while in a movie featuring people of color predominantly. Women taking care of loved ones in their lives is something that as woman we all know a little about. This film is about one day in the life of a woman, played by Salli Richardson Whitfield who loses a relative that she has sacrificed a large part of life to care for. Now she is struggling with picking up the pieces of that life to start over again and throughout the day she will engage with and fight with and talk and love with family, strangers, lovers and memories alike.

The famous aunt, Amanda Fisher who has passed was a sessions drum player for famous black musicians in the 70s. Throughout the film DuVernay cleverly strings together the theme of music in the relationship between her and her niece. "I Will Follow" comes not only from the Biblical verse in the story of Ruth but also from the U2 song, "I Will Follow." Her aunt makes no small show of her love for U2 and Bono when she struts over to her CD collection and calls out a stream of favorite song titles challenging her niece to see what she "knows about that." I know a lot about that myself and I was thrilled!

The performances by all the actors, even the smallest parts are thoughtful, well rounded and compelling. In particular, I was very moved by the sensitive performances of Omari Hartwick, (I first saw him as Janet Jackson's husband in "For colored Girls"), Blair Underwood, Michole white, who plays the Aunt's Daughter and Dijon Talton who plays her son.

It was wonderful to see black people in life situations that were not indicative only of the disproportionately stereotypical dramas with which Hollywood seems to release the majority of "Black films" on the subject of drugs, single parent families, "baby mama drama" violence and black on black crime. I would urge anyone and everyone to go see this movie but particularly people of color for whom DuVernay asks for the majority of it's support because these are the people for whom the film was made. I was honored to be able to meet and be introduced to her by my friend shortly after the film and the Q&A. It was a great pleasure to stand and chat with her briefly and observe the bright glow of deservedly positive reception her film received.

"I Will Follow" will be released in theaters through limited engagement in March and I urge you to show your support and see this sensitive, moving, down to earth and touching portrait with friends.

The Power Images Hold

2011-02-01T09:36:00.001-08:00

Brouillard
Originally uploaded by Muriel.A

I remember last year going to see a collection of Georgia Okeefe's on the last day of it's showing at the Whitney. I went with Fran and Elsie who had told us about it. I remember seeing paintings that literally pulled me across the room, painting that had a visceral churning effect in my stomach. I'm not sure why but I know that on conscious level that she was expressing something that could only be rendered on a subconscious or subliminal level through her work.

I felt that way just now looking at this hipstamatic photo by Muriel A. on flickr. It jarred me a little bit. I'm a big believer in that there must be a relationship between the viewer and what is being viewed in order to produce any reaction. Neither the image nor the viewer are static.. All art is a mirror. And the reflections that unfold over time are the ones that intrigue me the most.

Journal Journey

2011-01-21T07:53:00.000-08:00

My true journal,
which I can never share;
You know it well.
It is concealed through fear.
My true thoughts
which I dare not say;
You've heard them all before
and turned away.
The real journey,
which we all must take;
it's brutal and I'm tired,
but I'm still awake.

Thursday, January 20th
2:31pm

His Heart was so in It...

2011-01-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Recorded on my Phone

Glen Hansard at something called the "Burgundy Stain Sessions" at Le Poisson Rouge last night where I attended with my sweety and his cousin E. When she emailed me about it a week or so ago, I saw Glen's name on the list of guests and was like, I'm there. Like many people I discovered him when I saw "Once" the little movie that was a hit a few years ago and was won so many awards. It was made in like a week or something and captured not only the fictional story of two broken hearts coming together to make incredible music but apparently the very beginning of a real budding romance between the two completely non-traditionally trained actors. E. told us that they split up a while ago though. But that doesn't stop Glen from singing about it with brutal passion and humor in a voice that just cuts right through me every time. At his best he literally sores on his own vocals. He's having so much fun being right in the moment, you and everyone around you can feel it.

Glen Hansard in "Once"

Beth Orton performed beautifully as well and it appears she was sporting a little baby bump under her sweater. She looked about a few months along. I'm not good at assessing these things but it's so amazing the thought that a life in the womb is already on stage. Imagine the places you were in your mom's womb that you will never remember or that she nener told you about. It's kind of mind boggling. Obviously an entirely different state of awareness is happening in utero that we have no real clue about. Back to the show.

Afterward, as we made our way to the exit, we got slowed down by a throng of would be straglers near a table where someone was selling CDs and albums. I moved to the end of it and saw that the stragglers were really a line of people waiting to say hi to Glen Hansard who was standing a few feet from the stairs which lead out of the club. F. and I were dissppointed when we first saw him on stage that he wasn't as emmaciated and scraggly as he was in the movie but then again he was probably quite literally starving at the time. He was puffier and more manicured last night but that was all forgiven the minute he began to play. His beard may be groomed and pretty but the music is still raw and gritty.

I watched as people stood for horrible flash-washed pictures with him before I decided to casually cut the line, to say hi, shake his hand and tell him how much I enjoyed the show. He told me he told me in so many words that he though it was a really nice setting and I agreed. I really enjoy the general informality of performances at Le Poisson Rouge. F. and E. followed behind me shaking hands and exchanging words with Glen as well before we emerged into the cold air on Bleecker all happy and howling. And then we went to Two Boots and reminisced about the 80s and art and a time when creativity was not thought to be successful only if it was commercial. It was a really nice Friday night with two of my favorite people, a great beginning to the weekend.

Snow

2011-01-07T06:43:00.001-08:00

Snow Branches
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

The quality of silence when it snows deep in the forest is surreal. When all you can hear is your own breath and the snow flakes landing on branches, it makes me so still, it's as if I can hear more than normal. The movement of snow is so peaceful, it makes me still inside. It also makes me laugh and smile because snowflakes dance on air. They take so many different paths from the sky to the earth, but always, they come down.

I haven't been in the forest in the winter for a years. The last time was at a Bed and Breakfast in February at a place in Hyde Park. We stayed in a room on the top floor that had a walk out porch facing the back of the house which sits in the woods. We sat out on the porch and looked at all the trees covered in snow and it just made a part of me sigh that never gets to sigh, never even gets to unfold most of the time. I could feel the forest inside me. There was nothing else to do, nothing else I wanted but to share it.

Picture Show App

2010-12-24T09:40:00.001-08:00

Erosion
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I'm kind of flipping out right now over the seemingly limitless possibilities of my latest new iPhone picture app, "Picture Show" which one of my fave flickr photographers turned me onto. I am beyond thankful.

Picture Show has been one of the few picture phone apps (I have about seven) that actually rival Hipstamatic in my opinion. Hipstamatic won app of the year on iTunes this year. I think Picture Show is a really close second. Of course I haven't taken it out for a walk yet. So far all the shots I've taken with it have been interior.

I guess the feature that really puts it over is it's ability to take one shot and put it through a varying combination of filters, color settings, noise and light leak levels, frames, either those of your choosing or by using the random setting and just seeing what happens. Random comes up with some truly amazing stuff. I mean I can spend a good half an hour just processing one shot several times and saving only the ones I like.

Last night while I was taking this series of Zoya, I experienced something deeper about the process of making pictures that I've always known I loved but was not fully conscious of. Light and color take you on a journey whether you know it or not. And the creative manipulation of light and color can take you to so many different places inside of yourself so may different moods and emotions. Picture Show really allows for a crossover from the photographic medium to a sort of painterly or multi-medium expression. It lets you play a lot. And I love to play,
: )

"There is only one idea" -Prince

2010-12-20T10:12:00.001-08:00

Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I saw Prince at the Izod theater in Jersey last Friday with my best friend from high school and now all I know is I want to see him again. And I will.

I can't really describe how amazing a performer he is. I just know that I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to see this man do his thing live and to see him happy and healthy and full of a giving loving spirit paying homage to his heroes on stage and giving of himself what God gave him.

I've been listening to Prince since I was eleven so it's really an understatement to say that his music is embedded forever in my emotional DNA. My mom was the one in our family who loved him first. His music, his spirit, his multi-facted Gemini soul have been constant touchstones to my understanding of my own self. So when I look at him, I feel eternity ringing back. Sounds real good.
: )

"There is nothing else to want."

2010-12-09T13:34:00.000-08:00

I have to say that recently, for me, working in an environment where it has become increasingly difficult to know who to trust (because we are so clever at being phony and outfoxing ourselves and each other, a fact I never dreamed would ever become my everyday reality) this quote shot out at me among so many other amazing quotable passages from James Baldwins "The Cross of Redemption" which is a no less than stellar collection of candid and previously unpublished essays and writings by Baldwin.

For a man long gone from the physical plain, he never ceases to continue amazing and enlightening me as if he was, and is still here, everyday, every time I pick up this book and open it. He is fearless and brutal and beautiful and loving. And he is clear about that. Very few artists come along that can break open the tight shell of human apathy and pour out it's content so irreverently, and with such unapologetic fierceness and concern for humanity. Sometimes that's all I need to get by.

Thanks Weekend!

2010-11-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

by David Saintus

My Thanksgiving weekend has been just wonderful! Family, kids, games, good food and drink, music, laughing and buying my first piece of art with Francis. This untitled piece by David Saintus, a great friend of Fran's mother caught my eye and dragged me into it last Friday. David is a local artist in Spring Valley, Rockland County and he periodically brings his pieces over to Fran's house for him mom to look at and purchase whenever he is town. I have admired the pieces of his she has hanging in her house for years. I was so glad to be there when he showed up with his artwork so I could ask him a little about how he worked, but I didn't get a chance to ask him too much because I was too busy looking at all the canvases and wood stretched paintings on the floor and lying against furniture, bursting with lush color and beauty. He gave Francis and I and incredible deal and we took it. We split the cost and took the paining home that day.

I've always had a thing for paintings done on a black canvas. In this one, the traditional country landscape sen often in Haitian painting like these is set against a stunning autumnal midday scene. You can see the light of the sun just beginning to fade in the background and all of these women who appear to have been working in the fields are coming home in the foreground or disappearing further of in the background, going home beyond the horizon. It's just breathtaking the way the colors in the painting interact with light. In the morning with all the light streaming in through the living room windows this morning, it was just brilliant. We plan on framing it soon but for now, it looks amazing just as it is.

When I have weekends this good, I have to say, I cannot even fathom that I have to return to that office. I doesn't ever seem real to me. The only thing that feels real to me now is the smiling laughing faces of my family on Fran's side, all the good food we ate, the great laughs and conversations we had and the love in between.

Dali Film Stills

2010-11-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

"Witness" The Line up

Wandering around one of my flicker accounts this weekend (yes I have two) I saw this amazing technique done by flickr member, allstrippeddown. I'm a movie nerd and love taking pics of film stills in some of my favorite movies but it never occurred to me to use my hipstamatic app to do it. The "Dali" lens in combination with the Salvador "Dream Canvas" lens really adds another set of dimensions to this ongoing collection of moments in films that I personally find iconic. The stopping of time reveals many things.

Perhaps life is not...

2010-11-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

From "The Cross of Redemption, Uncollected writings of James Baldwin"

Hipstamatic Lenses (My Faves so Far)

2010-11-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

Roboto Glitter

John S.

Bettie XL

Kaimal Mark II

Dali

The Lucifer lens is characterized by deep dark moody purplish tones and I haven't had the opportunity to use it very often. The Dali lens which just came out a few weeks ago is one I'm still getting a handle on. It really pushes the boundaries of the Hipstamatic format translating images and composition to more of an "art" form by using producing random double exposures and deep dreamy tones. You don't get a lot of control here but it's fun just to shoot and see what happens. The least impressive of the lenses in my opinion are the Helga Viking and the Jimmy. I still have yet to understand the look of the Helga Viking. It just doesn't really seem to have a distinct character to me, at least not yet. And the Jimmy lens just makes everything way too yellow for my taste. But I will continue to experiment with both all my favorites of course. And as always I will continue explore the work of other Hipstamatic addicts for inspiration and tips.

Talking With Light

2010-11-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

Fall leaves at Storm King

"If you don't understand light, you shouldn't be a photographer because light is the main reason we take pictures. You can tell a story, but if you don't have the right light you can't draw the viewer in. It's just a flat picture."
-Frank Ockenfel
"Professional Photographer Magazine"

I've never been so happy to see Autumn arrive. Every day I look out the window I'm greeted by the brilliant fall color of leaves turning yellow and red, pink, orange and all the shades in between. I look up all the time and am stopped in my tracks. And the light changes in the Fall. Light in the Fall seems richer, a little melancholy, profound, nostalgic. I spent most of Sunday morning with a couple of trees in Marcus Garvey Park. I took roughly over three hundred pictures and then came home to edit and upload to flickr which is probably one of my favorite things to do. Listen to music, edit eat and compare notes with other photo enthusiasts.

I may have mentioned this before but I prefer to shoot using natural light only. I hate shooting under nasty yellow florescent lights or (UGH!) overhead lights and I rarely use flash unless I'm at an evening event that requires it. If I have to take pictures using interior light, I prefer studio track lights like the kind used to light art exhibitions in museums and galleries.

One of my pet peeves is when people use flash to take pictures in the day time. Just why? Natural light tells a very different story than flash, although flash in many instances when it's not too harsh can be just as effective at capturing a moment or a portrait effectively and with emotion. It's just not my favorite method. Flash makes me think of parties, paparazzi and I don't know...catching someone off guard. And those photos can be great as well. What I hate when using flash is when details are washed out by the harshness of the light. Even sunlight does this which is why there are specific times of day that I prefer to shoot in. It took me a while to discover that direct sunlight does not necessarily, a good picture make. Depending on the subject, the noon can kill details just as dead as General Electric. And even laymen who don't even care about pictures know this without really being conscious of it.

The light that draws the viewer into an image most often is one that reflects the complexity and layers of human emotion and unconscious inner goings on. It's what we feel but often cannot explain when we watch the sun rise and set, watch the seasons change, watch the day come and go. It's what poets write about and why artists paint why music exists. Light is one voice in the many conversations which attempt to communicate so much about the conditions of life. Brilliant studio lighting artists can replicate natural light so closely resemble natural light that the human heart understands the message and responds accordingly. This happens in the best of stage lighting sets for numerous theatrical plays or in studio portraits lit with soft boxes and back drops or processed in Photoshop.

I also like using candle light to light subjects, something which I have only experimented with extensively on one occasion last winter. I never understood how it was done before and I won't bore you here with technical stuff but the effect is just so quietly stunning. I think that as I evolve photographically I am beginning to notice certain definite themes that I am drawn to when I take pictures. I'm a fan of irony and the absurd, romance, haunted isolated feeling places, emptiness, space, fun, childlike themes, sensuality, nakedness, nature, food and color although I love black and white.

Kirk at Union Square

People are my least favorite subjects to photograph for many reasons. People are so complex and self conscious and always there is this fight for control and that control prevents creativity from flowing. But I understand fully why people fight so desperately for this control being a person myself but as a photographer, I do best photograph people when they are unaware and so my favorite shots of people are usually candid. I'm not like my father or my fiancee who both have this innate gift for making people feel at ease. I'm a bit of a thief when it comes to getting good pictures of people. I envy people like Peter Souza, the White House photographer whose job it is to spend so much time with such an incredible subject that perhaps they are able to tap into something which is not readily apparent within the first few weeks of shooting but which unfolds through time and journey and relationship. I would give anything to disappear into the wall of any room with the President where natural light is diffused by soft transperant curtains in the afternoon and I can just shoot frame after frame. Obama is ridiculously photogenic and clearly very at ease in front of a camera. The relationship between a photographer and a subject is a relationship much like any other. There has to be some give and take in order to produce anything of quality. Souza and Obama seem to have that relationship. You can see that in his work.

I have yet to find that relationship with anyone besides my fiancee and my collection of dolls. I had that relationship with a few friends in High School and in College but as the subject, not the photographer. As the daughter of a photographer, basically born in front of a camera, I've no real problem being the subject but I finally grew bored of that in my late twenties as did the rest of my body. I prefer the control that comes with being on the other end of the camera and in the last five years or so, I've preferred to take my own pictures of myself. I know my angles well, where to position my self in the light and stuff like that.In that respect I am comfortable with myself to some extent.

It's hard to find someone else who will let you just peer around in their soul with a camera and not get all fussy and nervous about it. LOL!! And that's what I'd like to do inevitably. I like pretty, beautiful and fun themes clearly. But those are not the themes I like to explore primarily with people.With people, there is so much more going on. I have taken pictures of people in the past that have revealed a lot of vulnerable, awkward and occasionally disturbing things, simply in their facial expressions. And I guess, depending on the goal of the project and the relationship to the subject, one has to be more clear and selective about what they're looking for when photographing people and portraits. At the moment, I'm not all that clear about what I'm looking for when I photograph people. But I like to be able to explore.

Monday Zen

2010-10-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

On my way back home from the market this afternoon, I took a detour through Marcus Garvey Park. It was all day today as it has been often recently, pleasantly and unexpectedly warm despite reports of rain I walked slowly by the childrens' playground and watched small children running across the kiddie bridge. One of a pair twin boys was sitting at the top of a very short yellow spiral slide on one side of the bridge with a pacifier in his mouth. The woman who was taking care of him called out "Hold on!" but I was thinking Let go. And he did hold on. He held on at the top and in the middle and all the way down. I laughed as I passed him by. "He doesn't wanna let go," I said aloud to myself. I was just like that when I was a little girl in the playground as well. On the slides, the swinging rope, the sliding pole. I didn't wanna let go either.

Beautiful Strangers

2010-10-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

I attended a lecture at the Graduate Center this evening after work. The subject was “Black Females and The Commercialization of Beauty.” The three female panelists were Dana-Ain Davis, Deborah Willis and Eisa Nefertari Ulen. Each of them gave excellent presentations of very relevant, very thoughtful aspects of Black female beauty and the broad based way it is portrayed, perverted, negated and interpreted in the media.

Davis spoke about the projections of Black female stereotypes in the media such as the “welfare queen” and Mammies particularly in the image of President Clinton signing the welfare reform while being flanked on each side by two black women. She also discussed the frighteningly similar way in which Semeyana, the South African Female runner, was treated as a modern day Venus Hottentot by being subjected to a humiliating examination of her black body and organs in order to substantiate her abilities as an athlete. Davis also discussed the way in which the black female stereotype of hyper sexuality was projected on Nadya Suleman or the “Octomom” by the media, particularly the internet blogosphere before they even knew what her race or class was.

Willis discussed and presented some incredible images from her book “Posing Beauty” a wide range of images portraying not only images but ideas of Black female beauty which she understands as being connected to desire and the desire to be desired, the seeking of empowerment through access of that desire. The first among these images and one I found quite compelling was a want ad for a slave called Dolly. A picture of her was posted along with certain attributes of her character. She was one of the only slaves sought by her owner who had seven slaves run away. This ad was posted after emancipation.

Ulen came at the topic from of all places a discussion of “Knocked Up” a movie I was thrilled to learn she loves as much as I do. What she brilliantly pulled from it was a turn of play on Hollywoods usual treatment of male Jewish characters as nebbish, docile and weak in this humorous, quirky and positive heroic treatment which has become signature of Judd Apatow's direction. His treatment of the loser as hero and freaks as front runners may be one of the things I love most about Apatow’s movies. She then began to discuss how there is no comparable representation of Black Females in the media. She read from her book “Crystal Mourning” which tells the story of the Black female main character’s journey to reconnection with her own past and it’s cultural implications and linked that to a discussion about the lack of “social consciousness and mission” evidenced on shows like “A Different World” which is so absent from black programming today.
I have to say that they did not have the best moderator for this panel. Although a very pleasant man I took great pleasure in speaking with after the lecture, Jerry Watts could not seem to grasp that these women were not trying to win some debate over exactly what beauty is or trying to define it necessarily, but having a discussion on the ways in which they have observed its workings in the media and what that may mean about those who create these images and about us, those who perpetuate or challenge them.

When the floor was opened to questions, many statements were made, few questions asked, which to me is the sure sign of an audience, which is not really “open” to discussion. In all fairness, I may have set the ball rolling when I asked for comments on the latest cover of Elle featuring Gabby Sidibie which I had encountered at a newsstand on my way to the Grad Center this evening and which I stood in the street and comtemplated for a minute before moving on. Did they feel there was there any correlation to the Mamie stereotype? What did they think about her embracing of her size and how might potentially be played out in the media.

Seeing an image in Deborah’s image slideshow of Hattie McDaniel, smiling, draped in white fur and jewels on the cover of a magazine called “Silhouette” made me think of Gabby, made me raise the question. The audience, predominantly women of color, would keep coming back around to the subject of Gabby and to a discussion of the most literal definitions of that which is considered physical beauty. I might say that this could only be expected but the females on the panel had given such broad presentations, there has to be another reason why we as women still can’t get seem to get beyond the skin when we talk of beauty. And I wish we could have talked about that more. There were some great comments and observations made but I’m not sure there was much discussion. Insecurities that many Black women have about beauty may indeed be very much tied into skin tone and hair as one audience member stated but I’m afraid the motivators of our self hatred are much more subtle, more complex and more nefariously self replicating than that.

One young woman behind me, clearly offended at one of the polyptych photographs in the series presented by Willis where the creator fused actual black bodies with Barbie parts got on a soapbox about how positive Black Barbie is and how they now come in a range of size and colors and so on. Really? All sizes? Even if I had not done my own research on Barbie and race I would know this is not true. I don’t believe she understood the photographic project at all. A doll is not a person. And as Black Females, our ideas of beauty are rarely our own. Many of our ideas of beauty have also been manufactured by Mattel. Earlier on, as a response to my question the young woman had also stated that Gabby could have been portrayed better on the cover of Elle. In a low voice I turned to her and asked exactly what she felt could have made Gabby look better. She said she felt that there were “better” images of her they could have used. Later, I also heard her mumble that they could used some airbrushing and styling on her. Right. So more negation of what’s really there. Who are we to take the place of image makers and claim that our own vision of someone is their actual truth? But I quietly forgave this reasoning. I love Barbie as well. But I know who Barbie is. And I know what she’s done. Gabby is not Barbie and she’s not Beyonce. Beyonce is not even Beyonce. How do get to see who we are if we keep looking for reflections in plastic or on the cover of Elle?

As women of color often still seeing ourselves through the eyes of the oppressor, measuring ourselves in many ways with the tools of the dominant culture, we lose a connection with ourselves and each other which perhaps we have never had. How to find our way to a place often never seen? I feel that the polyptych image shown by Willis of the sections of Barbie parts fused with the parts and features of actual black women was one way of using the tools of the oppressor to begin to see an undeniable reality. It was a great example of an artist and cultural critic using the tools of the media to interpret what’s being left out rather than letting these dictates canvas our black bodies with hatred, perversion and psychosis and what we often call “beauty.”

Tango!

2010-10-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

This is the only reason I watch "Dancing with The Stars."
I just get transported whenever I watch the Argentine Tango done really well. I think I need to see some live shows soon. There is so much precision, so much sexiness, so much artfulness,drama and theatricality. It's hypnotic. It's like watching a perfect equation of motion and stillness. An art.

Avatar (No, Not that one!)

2010-10-02T18:32:00.000-07:00

Business meeting or lynch mob?

I might as well just say right off that I am an avatar freak. I like making up people, personalities creating outfits, decorating, telling a story using the constraints of visual media. Hence my overindulgence in games like Superpoke pets, and Pet Society. Mercifully there are along list of acquaintances that do not know this about me and are spared the the Facebook updates but the small handful who really know me understand that it is something that engages my imagination perhaps far beyond what the marketing intends. I like my playtime.

I have never had any interest in watching AMC’s “Madmen.” I tried to watch it once but aside from the appeal of the fashions of that era, I have come to regard it suspiciously merely as a show about a bunch of arrogant masochistic white guys and the women who tolerate them. This may be a huge generalization but for the most part nothing pulls me into that program. Combine my trite summary with the terrible racial climate of that era and how that figures in advertising of the 20s and 30s and I’m even less inspired to watch it.

When the “Madmen Yourself” icon maker came out a few years ago as a way to promote their first season, I was surprised at how much fun it was to create male and female characters of that era using all the same constraints and gender biases that kept me from ever watching the show. The clothes of that era tell such a clear story about that time that no one would have a hard time knowing where they fit. The clothes are glaringly codified with social status and gender role function of the time.

Have a drink honey! You'll feel better in no time.

Women's clothes are super form fitting or sheer, reminiscent of the ever pervasive corset for that uniform tiny waist and tell you if they are going to work, dining, meeting someone for a drink, lounging at the pool, working as a stewardess or typist, baking a cake or entertaining a party. The men’s clothes tell you whether he is going to work, lounging at home, making a presentation, dining, schmoozing, etc. That being said, creating “Madmen” avatars of color is quite a trip. I have to say that I’m impressed by the available choices in skin color that vary from pale to tan to brown, to very dark brown, almost black. They also have three body types, skinny, "fit," and heavy.

I suppose the point for actual "Madmen" fans is to create someone who resembles a version of them, as they would be represented in this world. It is also not without a twisted sense of humor of which I highly approve. A very jazzy loop plays continuously on the website as you zip through each step of creating your "Madmen" icon. Among the various accessories for men is a shotgun and an accordion. For women there is a maternity dress, complete with baby bump. I am toying with the idea of pairing the baby bump with a cigarette in hand or a nice cocktail. Real cute, unless you happen to be black or Latina or any of the various groups represented by color. Then it’s a bit surreal. Because although I can appreciate that they make these color options available, all the “scenes” they appear in are a sobering reflection of exactly whose world it is. No matter who your avatar is you are surrounded by a sea of white faces, the secretary, co-workers, the guy who meets you for a drink. Regardless, I spent hours one evening last week creating my own cast of “Madmen” characters with a new set of looks promoting the latest season. I like playing around with the stereotypes, creating situations that would be highly improbable in the 1920s or 30s for people of color. Isn’t this how we start to have important conversations? Isn’t this why we play?

Wet Ginko Leafness

2010-09-27T16:45:00.001-07:00

Wet Ginko Leafness
Originally uploaded by Zanalee
And the leaves of the ginko tree that can be seen from my window had been beaten down from their branches into the sidewalks and the gutters and their green and yellow colors were soaked and vibrant. They mingled together in the rain, flat and wet and looking like layered theatrical fans. They fell together like rain

A Wedding In Lansford PA

2010-09-20T09:27:00.001-07:00

Fonz's Wedding
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

In the last seven years of my relationship, we have been to several weddings, baby showers, an engagement party or two? They usual come in groups, never one at a time. We have not yet been married. We do not yet have any children. I have just been watching and documenting this tradition, sometimes with fascination, sometimes with judgment but rarely with envy. Always I observe with interest.

Last week we attended the wedding of my sweetheart's best friend in Lansford PA, a coal mining town. The weekend before that we attended an engagement party for another friend of his in the Bronx. It was a sweet little backyard party with string lights, a DJ and bubbles which I love. I turn five years old when there are bubbles around. You know like the kind you blow with a wand. There were bubbles at the wedding as well in the place of rice which I highly approved of. So yes, there will be bubbles at my wedding. Check. That's something I will not be moved on. Rice is just not me. And although I do tend towards a contrary nature, I'm not one of these people who want to buck tradition just for the sake of it. I do want to question it though.

Sometimes we embrace tradition because we claim to like and or respect it. And sometimes we just so shit because it's always been done. I hate the latter. Doing shit because it's always been done just doesn't fly. But still, I get it. It's hard to be original or true to yourself in a society that thrives on drawing you as far from your "self" as possible. So if you don't know who you are, how do you know what you really want? You'll have to accept that fact after a while that a disturbingly large percentage of what you claim to want or like is just shit you've been programmed or designed for. Fine. I guess.

I was with the grooms party for the majority of time leading up to the actual wedding and for the most part at the reception as well. He was incredibly nervous, chain smoking, shaking and just having the usual jitters. I told him it was probably because of all the people involved and he agreed. I get the genuine feeling that he and his wife to be really love each other and apart for from all the wedding hoopla, they are already "joined" in all the places where it counts.

I sat on his sofa and played "Word with Friends" while he, and his stepson and my fiancee helped one another with cuff links and vests while music played. I snapped shots of them, talked and laughed with them but I didn't consider myself to be much more than a tag along. The more weddings I attend the more I see the beauty and presentation less and the stress more. It's like opening night on Broadway or something As a girl I only saw the show, the performance but now as an adult, I'm starting to see all that happens behind the scenes. Sometimes it appears to be worth it. Other times, not so much. But that's not really for me to say. I haven't done it yet, although I have though about it. I've though about music, the locations, bubbles, I definitely will not be getting married in anybody's church, but it's not a "real" state yet. It's just out there in the fantasy realm along with pregnancy and winning the lotto. And I'm still not in any hurry. Although acquaintances and friends are often in a hurry for me. I don't know what to say to them. We're working on it? LOL!

Ok not really, we're actually working on taking another vacation! YEAH!! LOL!!!

Graffiti 6

2010-09-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

I don't watch music videos anymore. They all kinda suck to me. But I like this one. I like everything about it. Right up my alley. Heheh!

Hipstamatic 170 Cometh

2010-09-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

The update for the Hipstamatic app for iPhone is hitting iTunes tomorrow!!! Some of the new features available that I'm aware of will be the ability to order high quality prints of your beautiful pictures directly from your phone. I'm really excited to see what those look since the look of a Hipstamatic print seems to lose it's resilience and inner glow when I have printed them at home. They look great on the computer screen and I would love to see some of that light duplicated and sustained in a print.

The other big deal is a new lens, the Bettie XL lens. Below is an example of a picture taken with the Bettie XL lens. This was taken by one of my newest flickr contacts, zinkwazi.

Much credit is due to zinkwazi's compositional skill but I'm also knocked out but the triple tone spectral light leaks around the edges and the brilliantly filmy colors. It's almost like looking at something through a soap bubble. I cannot wait to try it out! I'm really praying that this is not the only new lens and that perhaps there will also be one or two new film paks. WEE!!!

Four Things That made me Happy Today

2010-09-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

-Looking in the mirror at the subtle shade of purple eyeshadow I applied this morning.
-Buying an engagement card for friends, whose engagement party we will attend next Saturday.
-Buying an Anniversary card for Fran for our 7 year Anniversary in December.
-Meeting my co-workers cousins. (They had great accents!)