Smoothie #1

Peach banana smoothie

I remember being a very little girl in our Brooklyn apartment and every morning, literally every single morning, my parents took turns making freshly squeezed orange juice for all of us. My dad would buy this huge box of oranges from the Key Food I believe. He bought the same huge box once every few weeks for years. I remember the smell of oranges near the large stereo on which music and radio would play all day. We had an Osterizer Juicer and and everyday oranges would be cut and pressed on the electric juicer and we would drink fresh juice for breakfast.

One day my dad started making smoothies. I don't remember what else he put in them besides bananas and yogurt? I don't know. Wheat germ maybe? I just loved them. They were very thick and sometimes there were chunks of banana in them. They were delicious and he made these for us often as well.

In my whole life, my parents have made fruit smoothies for me a countless number of times. Do you know how many times I've made a smoothie for myself? Zero. Zero times. Never done it. Until today.

More sad facts follow about how long I've had a Hamilton blender which my dear friend Shaherah bought me almost a year ago and have never used it! My mom visited for a few weeks a while back and she used it for the first time. I used it for the very first time today. I was so excited, it was retarded! LOL!!! I mean I was like a fucking kid with a new toy!

It all started with the peaches my dad dropped off this morning from the Farmers Market around the corner. They were amazing! My dad is from Savannah Georgia so he knows his peaches. I had a peach after he left and then I had another and then I knew I had to go out and get some more if Francis was going to be able to have any. So then I went out and got four more. Then I had  the idea about making a smoothie and went out again to get bananas from a generous street vendor. That's two times more than I expected to leave my apartment today.

Cut to me blending away on the carpet (note to self, get an extension cord) with a freakish smile on my face. I didn't even add sweetener. Just some plain soy milk. It's dope. I'll do it again. I may need to replace the banana though since as an Blood Type A, I'm supposed to stay away from bananas. But what I ask you can replace banana on a fruit smoothie? I guess I'll find out.

Lenox Coffee (Lounge Consciousness)

I was driven here by loud construction on my block. But also by the beautiful weather, my restlessness and the fact that I have Fridays off and nothing to eat in the fridge. Ha! I guess I could have made Tuna fish but I'm gonna need to do some grocery shopping later anyway.

It's super nice to be able walk a few blocks away (okay I bused it one stop. It's hot out here!) to a local cafe and just chill to some beautiful jazz while sipping on a mocha and internet surfing. That's me! That's what I'm doing! The only thing missing is poetry and the great American novel. I do have a doll in my bag though so that will have to do for now. LOL!!

I love this atmosphere. It's perfect and within walking distance and every time I've been here, there's always been space to sit. Lenox Coffee, thy name is gentrification, but I think I love you. Next time I come here I'm gonna grab that cozy ass looking sofa on the right. I should hold meetings here! Let's do that! Will you come to my next meeting here at Lenox Coffee? We can meet about whatever but just no whining about anything especially work! Let's talk about making our dreams a reality with Mingus in the background. Lets stare out of the window at the backs of kind young brothers  conversing with one another and greeting sisters as they walk in.

Let's get distracted and then get focused.

Distracted
My locks are doing something nice today that I didn't plan. Sometimes I look at them and I'm like what is going on? Should I just go short again? And other times like today, I'm like yezzz! They're falling in all the right places, framing my face just right. This could get really good. Keep loving them. They respond to love. They do.

Distracted 2
I haven't used foundation or powder since I came back from St. Croix. I was so low key and low maintenance and laid back. All I brought with me was like 7 or 8 maxi dresses, one pair of jeans, shorts and like to 2 blouses. There was no reason for rushing.

Focused
As Krishnamurti would say, being disciplined, is not about strained and obligatory focus. It's about being aware and paying attention. That's often harder to do then focusing because we all know what focusing is wrapped up in. Hard work, determination, nose to the grindstone, eyes on the prize. It's systemic and not sensitive or even tolerant of alternatives. It's what we were born into. But not all of us work hard. Not all of us have to. But I would like to venture further by say that none of us have to. We just think we do. And  that's all that's necessary to keep the gears grinding. Step outside of that machine and you find yourself in a world of trouble, yes worse trouble then you find just surviving in the machine. Because there's definitely no health coverage out there! LOL!

Focused 2
I never lose sight of the fact that I was totally ill prepared for life on the grid. My mom taught me at home and therefore had a great deal of control over what ideas went into developing the foundation of my world view. She also controlled about 90% of the food that entered my body. She didn't do processed or refined or dairy, cooked, salt or sugar. VEGAN!!! Plus she made food to take with us when we travelled. Oh I was sheltered. I was in a bubble I often peeked out from and variously never wanted to leave. And everybody had that bubble. You're outside of it but you never really leave it. In my case, life in the machine is and always has been vastly different from the bubble. But I am versatile, malleable, chameleon like. I can roll with it. I just can't accept it. And lately, it's occurred to me that that's okay as long as I'm willing to do something about it beside complain and whine and navel gaze about it. This would require some attention and awareness, some appreciation of what's right under my nose, the stuff we often quickly overlook because we're tripping all over selves to be the first to grab the ring. Some of us were meant to do that, to strive for the ring. And by all means, have at it. I'll be over here at Cafe Lenox waiting for you to arrive at the big cozy ass sofa meeting. I hope the ring is as pretty and shiny as it looks from here.

Before I return to "work"...

I feel like I have really accomplished a few things on this vacation. I mean first of all I never in my life thought I would swim in water well over my own height. I can't explain to you the fear I have of being in deep water. I think, well I know this fear comes from almost drowning in Barbados as a teenager. The ocean has a very real pull on me. My relationship with it is very spiritual. I can lose myself in water almost completely and that can be scary. But I cannot stay away from it. I simultaneously fear drowning in the ocean but want to submerge myself in it completely. However, almost immediately, Patrick, the waiter at Sand Castle on the Beach made fast friends with us and got us out for a group snorkeling excursion. I had my snorkel mask and flotation tube thing and I was like okay, but I'm not going out that far. Next thing I knew I was out that far on my own. If I had been coaxed, it never would have happened. I know that about myself. I simply felt comfortable and trusted the comfort. I also took to snorkeling immediately! Breathing through my mouth under water? YES PLEASE! The one day I had flippers on, you could not tell me I wasn't a fish! LOL! I was so happy down there in that underwater world. And bobbing around in clear blue water with your feet touching nothing feels amazing!

I also floated on my back for the first time ever the first day there, something else I've always been afraid of but longed to do! That had so much to do with how much I trust Francis and what a talent he has for making me feel safe. No pressure. Just floating. And it was frigging amazing! I floated every day and sometimes at night too! I love looking up at the sky with salt water in my ears. Just the sound of my easy breathing and the muffled movement of the sea rocking me. God, what a living metaphor for peace.

The next time I go to St. Croix I want to participate in a little more night life. This time was just for relaxation but every where we went were wonderful, lovely, helpful people inviting us out to bars and evening hotel shows. They were so sweet to us! Also I kind of wanted to see more of the local life but Fran was very cautious about not wandering off into the "bad" parts of town. I guess it was good he was there because I'm a damn wanderer. I wanna see everything. I see extreme beauty even in decay. I can't stand overly touristy areas. I need to feel history and sense the weight of age and time in buildings and towns. That's what I want more of.

In addition to going back to St. Croix again, I would love to visit St Kitts and Tortola and some other US and British Virgin Islands. I seriously need to get a grant to travel for like six months straight. I don't feel like people are meant to be in sedentary, immobile occupations for so long. I dread the office chair and the office bullshit. UGH!!

I have to start thinking about how I'm going to shape the life I want for myself, a life that includes more travel and exploration. My stress level right now is so low. *Sigh* Okay, I'm gonna breath and just try and breeze through these next three days. But it's becoming painfully apparent that I need a new scene and some unconventional methods of coming to it. I have a few in mind.

A Few Lines from Paradise

Since we landed in St. Croix on Monday, the general routine has been something like this.

8:30: Wake up for light complimentary breakfast by the beach. Have senses soothed into consciousness by a view of crystal clear blue waters, fluffy clouds and the sound of the surf rolling in and out. Yes, this is really happening.

9:30-10:00ish: Go take a nap for like half an hour or so to digest breakfast or watch Judge Mathis.

11:00ish: Go snorkeling for the first time for several hours in water well over 12 feet deep, learn to float on back. Feel like a mermaid. Swim with the fishes. Chat and laugh with sweetheart and best friend the whole time.

2:00ish: Another half hour nap.

3:00ish: Call Michael the hotel cab driver from Antigua to take us to  Christiansted or the St. George Botanical Garden.

5:30ish: Come back to resort, have dinner on the beach.

6:30ish: Half hour nap

7:00ish: NIGHT SMIMMING IN THE OCEAN! Floating under a sky full of stars until tired.

10:00: Sneak into the heated pool for half an hour.

10:30ish: Sleep arrives...

I haven't really been focused on anything else or focused period. I've just been being. It's so easy to do that here. I don't feel rushed, or stressed, nor the need to hurry up to go someplace I can't get away from fast enough. Everywhere I am I want to be. I will start to process later and get back to you. The crickets sound so nice tonight. That's all I know right now.