Friday, December 24, 2010

Picture Show App


Erosion
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I'm kind of flipping out right now over the seemingly limitless possibilities of my latest new iPhone picture app, "Picture Show" which one of my fave flickr photographers turned me onto. I am beyond thankful.

Picture Show has been one of the few picture phone apps (I have about seven) that actually rival Hipstamatic in my opinion. Hipstamatic won app of the year on iTunes this year. I think Picture Show is a really close second. Of course I haven't taken it out for a walk yet. So far all the shots I've taken with it have been interior.

I guess the feature that really puts it over is it's ability to take one shot and put it through a varying combination of filters, color settings, noise and light leak levels, frames, either those of your choosing or by using the random setting and just seeing what happens. Random comes up with some truly amazing stuff. I mean I can spend a good half an hour just processing one shot several times and saving only the ones I like.

Last night while I was taking this series of Zoya, I experienced something deeper about the process of making pictures that I've always known I loved but was not fully conscious of. Light and color take you on a journey whether you know it or not. And the creative manipulation of light and color can take you to so many different places inside of yourself so may different moods and emotions. Picture Show really allows for a crossover from the photographic medium to a sort of painterly or multi-medium expression. It lets you play a lot. And I love to play,
: )

Monday, December 20, 2010

"There is only one idea" -Prince



Originally uploaded by Zanalee

I saw Prince at the Izod theater in Jersey last Friday with my best friend from high school and now all I know is I want to see him again. And I will.

I can't really describe how amazing a performer he is. I just know that I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to see this man do his thing live and to see him happy and healthy and full of a giving loving spirit paying homage to his heroes on stage and giving of himself what God gave him.

I've been listening to Prince since I was eleven so it's really an understatement to say that his music is embedded forever in my emotional DNA. My mom was the one in our family who loved him first. His music, his spirit, his multi-facted Gemini soul have been constant touchstones to my understanding of my own self. So when I look at him, I feel eternity ringing back. Sounds real good.
: )

Thursday, December 9, 2010

"There is nothing else to want."


I have to say that recently, for me, working in an environment where it has become increasingly difficult to know who to trust (because we are so clever at being phony and outfoxing ourselves and each other, a fact I never dreamed would ever become my everyday reality) this quote shot out at me among so many other amazing quotable passages from James Baldwins "The Cross of Redemption" which is a no less than stellar collection of candid and previously unpublished essays and writings by Baldwin.

For a man long gone from the physical plain, he never ceases to continue amazing and enlightening me as if he was, and is still here, everyday, every time I pick up this book and open it. He is fearless and brutal and beautiful and loving. And he is clear about that. Very few artists come along that can break open the tight shell of human apathy and pour out it's content so irreverently, and with such unapologetic fierceness and concern for humanity. Sometimes that's all I need to get  by.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanks Weekend!

by David Saintus

My Thanksgiving weekend has been just wonderful! Family, kids, games, good food and drink, music, laughing and buying my first piece of art with Francis. This untitled piece by David Saintus, a great friend of Fran's mother caught my eye and dragged me into it last Friday. David is a local artist in Spring Valley, Rockland County and he periodically brings his pieces over to Fran's house for him mom to look at and purchase whenever he is town. I have admired the pieces of his she has hanging in her house for years. I was so glad to be there when he showed up with his artwork so I could ask him a little about how he worked, but I didn't get a chance to ask him too much because I was too busy looking at all the canvases and wood stretched paintings on the floor and lying against furniture, bursting with lush color and beauty. He gave Francis and I and incredible deal and we took it. We split the cost and took the paining home that day.

I've always had a thing for paintings done on a black canvas. In this one, the traditional country landscape sen often in Haitian painting like these is set against a stunning autumnal midday scene. You can see the light of the sun just beginning to fade in the background and all of these women who appear to have been working in the fields are coming home in the foreground or disappearing further of in the background, going home beyond the horizon. It's just breathtaking the way the colors in the painting interact with light. In the morning with all the light streaming in through the living room windows this morning, it was just brilliant. We plan on framing it soon but for now, it looks amazing just as it is.

When I have weekends this good, I have to say, I cannot even fathom that I have to return to that office. I doesn't ever seem real to me. The only thing that feels real to me now is the smiling laughing faces of my family on Fran's side, all the good food we ate, the great laughs and conversations we had and the love in between.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dali Film Stills

 
"Witness" The Line up

Wandering around one of my flicker accounts this weekend (yes I have two) I saw this amazing technique done by flickr member, allstrippeddown. I'm a movie nerd and love taking pics of film stills in some of my favorite movies but it never occurred to me to use my hipstamatic app to do it. The "Dali" lens in combination with the Salvador "Dream Canvas" lens really adds another set of dimensions to this ongoing collection of moments in films that I personally find iconic. The stopping of time reveals many things.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Perhaps life is not...

From "The Cross of Redemption, Uncollected writings of James Baldwin"

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hipstamatic Lenses (My Faves so Far)

Roboto Glitter

 

 John S.


Bettie XL


Kaimal Mark II

Dali
The Lucifer lens is characterized by deep dark moody purplish tones and I haven't had the opportunity to use it very often. The Dali lens which just came out a few weeks ago is one I'm still getting a handle on. It really pushes the boundaries of the Hipstamatic format translating images and composition to more of an "art" form by using producing random double exposures and deep dreamy tones. You don't get a lot of control here but it's fun just to shoot and see what happens. The least impressive of the lenses in my opinion are the Helga Viking and the Jimmy. I still have yet to understand the look of the Helga Viking. It just doesn't really seem to have a distinct character to me, at least not yet. And the Jimmy lens just makes everything way too yellow for my taste. But I will continue to experiment with both all my favorites of course. And as always I will continue explore the work of other Hipstamatic addicts for inspiration and tips.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Talking With Light




Fall leaves at Storm King
"If you don't understand light, you shouldn't be a photographer because light is the main reason we take pictures. You can tell a story, but if you don't have the right light you can't draw the viewer in. It's just a flat picture."
-Frank Ockenfel
"Professional Photographer Magazine"

I've never been so happy to see Autumn arrive. Every day I look out the window I'm greeted by the brilliant fall color of leaves turning yellow and red, pink, orange and all the shades in between. I look up all the time and am stopped in my tracks. And the light         changes in the Fall. Light in the Fall seems richer, a little melancholy,  profound, nostalgic. I spent most of Sunday morning with a couple of trees in Marcus Garvey Park. I took roughly over three hundred pictures and then came home to edit and upload to flickr which is probably one of my favorite things to do. Listen to music, edit eat and compare notes with other photo enthusiasts.

I may have mentioned this before but I prefer to shoot using natural light only. I hate shooting under nasty yellow florescent lights or (UGH!) overhead lights and I rarely use flash unless I'm at an evening event that requires it. If I have to take pictures using interior light, I prefer studio track lights like the kind used to light art exhibitions in museums and galleries.

One of my pet peeves is when people use flash to take pictures in the day time. Just why? Natural light tells a very different story than flash, although flash in many instances when it's not too harsh can be just as effective at capturing a moment or a portrait effectively and with emotion. It's just not my favorite method. Flash makes me think of parties, paparazzi and I don't know...catching someone off guard. And those photos can be great as well. What I hate when using flash is when details are washed out by the harshness of the light. Even sunlight does this which is why there are specific times of day that I prefer to shoot in. It took me a while to discover that direct sunlight does not necessarily, a good picture make. Depending on the subject, the noon can kill details just as dead as General Electric. And even laymen who don't even care about pictures know this without really being conscious of it.

The light that draws the viewer into an image most often is one that reflects the complexity and layers of human emotion and unconscious inner goings on. It's what we feel but often cannot explain when we watch the sun rise and set, watch the seasons change, watch the day come and go. It's what poets write about and why artists paint why music exists. Light is one voice in the many conversations which attempt to communicate so much about the conditions of life. Brilliant studio lighting artists can replicate natural light so closely resemble natural light that the human heart understands the message and responds accordingly. This happens in the best of stage lighting sets for numerous theatrical plays or in studio portraits lit with soft boxes and back drops or processed in Photoshop.

I also like using candle light to light subjects, something which I have only experimented with extensively on one occasion last winter. I never understood how it was done before and I won't bore you here with technical stuff but the effect is just so quietly stunning. I think that as I evolve photographically I am beginning to notice certain definite themes that I am drawn to when I take pictures. I'm a fan of irony and the absurd, romance, haunted isolated feeling places, emptiness, space, fun, childlike themes, sensuality, nakedness, nature, food and color although I love black and white.


Kirk at Union Square

People are my least favorite subjects to photograph for many reasons. People are so complex and self conscious and always there is this fight for control and that control prevents creativity from flowing. But I understand fully why people fight so desperately for this control being a person myself but as a photographer, I do best photograph people when they are unaware and so my favorite shots of people are usually candid. I'm not like my father or my fiancee who both have this innate gift for making people feel at ease. I'm a bit of a thief when it comes to getting good pictures of people. I envy people like Peter Souza, the White House photographer whose job it is to spend so much time with such an incredible  subject that perhaps they are able to tap into something which is not readily apparent within the first few weeks of shooting but which unfolds through time and journey and relationship. I would give anything to disappear into the wall of any room with the President where natural light is diffused by soft transperant curtains in the afternoon and I can just shoot frame after frame. Obama is ridiculously photogenic and clearly very at ease in front of a camera. The relationship between a photographer and a subject is a relationship much like any other. There has to be some give and take in order to produce anything of quality. Souza and Obama seem to have that relationship. You can see that in his work.

I have yet to find that relationship with anyone besides my fiancee and my collection of dolls. I had that relationship with a few friends in High School and in College but as the subject, not the photographer. As the daughter of a photographer, basically born in front of a camera, I've no real problem being the subject but I finally grew bored of that in my late twenties as did the rest of my body. I prefer the control that comes with being on the other end of the camera and in the last five years or so, I've preferred to take my own pictures of myself.  I know my angles well, where to position my self in the light and stuff like that.In that respect I am comfortable with myself to some extent.

It's hard to find someone else who will let you just peer around in their soul with a camera and not get all fussy and nervous about it. LOL!! And that's what I'd like to do inevitably. I like pretty, beautiful and fun themes clearly. But those are not the themes I like to explore primarily with people.With people, there is so much more going on. I have taken pictures of people in the past that have revealed a lot of vulnerable, awkward and occasionally disturbing things, simply in their facial expressions. And I guess, depending on the goal of the project and the relationship to the subject, one has to be more clear and selective about what they're looking for when photographing people and portraits. At the moment, I'm not all that clear about what I'm looking for when I photograph people. But I  like to be able to explore.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Monday Zen

On my way back home from the market this afternoon, I took a detour through Marcus Garvey Park. It was all day today as it has been often recently, pleasantly and unexpectedly warm despite reports of rain I walked slowly by the childrens' playground and watched small children running across the kiddie bridge. One of a pair twin boys was sitting at the top of a very short yellow spiral slide on one side of the bridge with a pacifier in his mouth. The woman who was taking care of him called out "Hold on!" but I was thinking Let go. And he did hold on. He held on at the top and in the middle and all the way down. I laughed as I passed him by. "He doesn't wanna let go," I said aloud to myself. I was just like that when I was a little girl in the playground as well. On the slides, the swinging rope, the sliding pole. I didn't wanna let go either.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Beautiful Strangers



I attended a lecture at the Graduate Center this evening after work. The subject was “Black Females and The Commercialization of Beauty.” The three female panelists were Dana-Ain Davis, Deborah Willis and Eisa Nefertari Ulen. Each of them gave excellent presentations of very relevant, very thoughtful aspects of Black female beauty and the broad based way it is portrayed, perverted, negated and interpreted in the media.

Davis spoke about the projections of Black female stereotypes in the media such as the “welfare queen” and Mammies particularly in the image of President Clinton signing the welfare reform while being flanked on each side by two black women. She also discussed the frighteningly similar way in which Semeyana, the South African Female runner, was treated as a modern day Venus Hottentot by being subjected to a humiliating examination of her black body and organs in order to substantiate her abilities as an athlete. Davis also discussed the way in which  the black female stereotype of hyper sexuality was projected on Nadya Suleman or the “Octomom” by the media, particularly the internet blogosphere before they even knew what her race or class was.

Willis discussed and presented some incredible images from her book “Posing Beauty” a wide range of images portraying not only images but ideas of Black female beauty which she understands as being connected to desire and the desire to be desired, the seeking of empowerment through access of that desire. The first among these images and one I found quite compelling was a want ad for a slave called Dolly. A picture of her was posted along with certain attributes of her character. She was one of the only slaves sought by her owner who had seven slaves run away. This ad was posted after emancipation.

Ulen came at the topic from of all places a discussion of “Knocked Up” a movie I was thrilled to learn she loves as much as I do. What she brilliantly pulled from it was a turn of play on Hollywoods usual treatment of male Jewish characters as nebbish, docile and weak in this humorous, quirky and positive heroic treatment which has become signature of Judd Apatow's direction. His treatment of the loser as hero and freaks as front runners may be one of the things I love most about Apatow’s movies. She then began to discuss how there is no comparable representation of Black Females in the media. She read from her book “Crystal Mourning” which tells the story of the Black female main character’s journey to reconnection with her own past and it’s cultural implications and linked that to a discussion about the lack of “social consciousness and mission” evidenced on shows like “A Different World” which is so absent from black programming today.
I have to say that they did not have the best moderator for this panel. Although a very pleasant man I took great pleasure in speaking with after the lecture, Jerry Watts could not seem to grasp that these women were not trying to win some debate over exactly what beauty is or trying to define it necessarily, but having a discussion on the ways in which they have observed its workings in the media and what that may mean about those who create these images and about us, those who perpetuate or challenge them.

When the floor was opened to questions, many statements were made, few questions asked, which to me is the sure sign of an audience, which is not really “open” to discussion. In all fairness, I may have set the ball rolling when I asked for comments on the latest cover of Elle featuring Gabby Sidibie which I had encountered at a newsstand on my way to the Grad Center this evening and which I stood in the street and comtemplated for a minute before moving on. Did they feel there was there any correlation to the Mamie stereotype? What did they think about her embracing of her size and how might potentially be played out in the media.

Seeing an image in Deborah’s image slideshow of Hattie McDaniel, smiling, draped in white fur and jewels on the cover of a magazine called “Silhouette” made me think of Gabby, made me raise the question. The audience, predominantly women of color, would keep coming back around to the subject of Gabby and to a discussion of the most literal definitions of that which is considered physical beauty. I might say that this could only be expected but the females on the panel had given such broad presentations, there has to be another reason why we as women still can’t get seem to get beyond the skin when we talk of beauty. And I wish we could have talked about that more. There were some great comments and observations made but I’m not sure there was much discussion. Insecurities that many Black women have about beauty may indeed be very much tied into skin tone and hair as one audience member stated but I’m afraid the motivators of our self hatred are much more subtle, more complex and more nefariously self replicating than that.

One young woman behind me, clearly offended at one of the polyptych photographs in the series presented by Willis where the creator fused actual black bodies with Barbie parts got on a soapbox about how positive Black Barbie is and how they now come in a range of size and colors and so on. Really? All sizes? Even if I had not done my own research on Barbie and race I would know this is not true. I don’t believe she understood the photographic project at all. A doll is not a person. And as Black Females, our ideas of beauty are rarely our own. Many of our ideas of beauty have also been manufactured by Mattel. Earlier on, as a response to my question the young woman had also stated that Gabby could have been portrayed better on the cover of Elle. In a low voice I turned to her and asked exactly what she felt could have made Gabby look better. She said she felt that there were “better” images of her they could have used. Later, I also heard her mumble that they could used some airbrushing and styling on her. Right. So more negation of what’s really there. Who are we to take the place of image makers and claim that our own vision of someone is their actual truth? But I quietly forgave this reasoning. I love Barbie as well. But I know who Barbie is. And I know what she’s done. Gabby is not Barbie and she’s not Beyonce. Beyonce is not even Beyonce. How do get to see who we are if we keep looking for reflections in plastic or on the cover of Elle?

As women of color often still seeing ourselves through the eyes of the oppressor, measuring ourselves in many ways with the tools of the dominant culture, we lose a connection with ourselves and each other which perhaps we have never had. How to find our way to a place often never seen? I feel that the polyptych image shown by Willis of the sections of Barbie parts fused with the parts and features of actual black women was one way of using the tools of the oppressor to begin to see an undeniable reality. It was a great example of an artist and cultural critic using the tools of the media to interpret what’s being left out rather than letting these dictates canvas our black bodies with hatred, perversion and psychosis and what we often call “beauty.”

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tango!



This is the only reason I watch "Dancing with The Stars."
I just get transported whenever I watch the Argentine Tango done really well. I think I need to see some live shows soon. There is so much precision, so much sexiness, so much artfulness,drama and theatricality. It's hypnotic. It's like watching a perfect equation of motion and stillness. An art.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Avatar (No, Not that one!)



Business meeting or lynch mob?

I might as well just say right off that I am an avatar freak. I like making up people, personalities creating outfits, decorating, telling a story using the constraints of visual media. Hence my overindulgence in games like Superpoke pets, and Pet Society. Mercifully there are along list of acquaintances that do not know this about me and are spared the the Facebook updates but the small handful who really know me understand that it is something that engages my imagination perhaps far beyond what the marketing intends. I like my playtime.

I have never had any interest in watching AMC’s “Madmen.” I tried to watch it once but aside from the appeal of the fashions of that era, I have come to regard it suspiciously merely as a show about a bunch of arrogant masochistic white guys and the women who tolerate them. This may be a huge generalization but for the most part nothing pulls me into that program. Combine my trite summary with the terrible racial climate of that era and how that figures in advertising of the 20s and 30s and I’m even less inspired to watch it.

When the “Madmen Yourself” icon maker came out a few years ago as a way to promote their first season, I was surprised at how much fun it was to create male and female characters of that era using all the same constraints and gender biases that kept me from ever watching the show. The clothes of that era tell such a clear story about that time that no one would have a hard time knowing where they fit. The clothes are glaringly codified with social status and gender role function of the time.
 Have a drink honey! You'll feel better in no time.
Women's clothes are super form fitting or sheer, reminiscent of the ever pervasive corset for that uniform tiny waist and tell you if they are going to work, dining, meeting someone for a drink, lounging at the pool, working as a stewardess or typist, baking a cake or entertaining a party.  The men’s clothes tell you whether he is going to work, lounging at home, making a presentation, dining, schmoozing, etc. That being said, creating “Madmen” avatars of color is quite a trip. I have to say that I’m impressed by the available choices in skin color that vary from pale to tan to brown, to very dark brown, almost black. They also have three body types, skinny, "fit," and heavy.
 I suppose the point for actual "Madmen" fans is to create someone who resembles a version of them, as they would be represented in this world. It is also not without a twisted sense of humor of which I highly approve. A very jazzy loop plays continuously on the website as you zip through each step of creating your "Madmen" icon. Among the various accessories for men is a shotgun and an accordion. For women there is a maternity dress, complete with baby bump. I am toying with the idea of pairing the baby bump with a cigarette in hand or a nice cocktail. Real cute, unless you happen to be black or Latina or any of the various groups represented by color. Then it’s a bit surreal. Because although I can appreciate that they make these color options available, all the “scenes” they appear in are a sobering reflection of exactly whose world it is. No matter who your avatar is you are surrounded by a sea of white faces, the secretary, co-workers, the guy who meets you for a drink.  Regardless, I spent hours one evening last week creating my own cast of “Madmen” characters with a new set of looks promoting the latest season. I like playing around with the stereotypes, creating situations that would be highly improbable in the 1920s or 30s for people of color.  Isn’t this how we start to have important conversations? Isn’t this why we play?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Wet Ginko Leafness


Wet Ginko Leafness
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

And the leaves of the ginko tree that can be seen from my window had been beaten down from their branches into the sidewalks and the gutters and their green and yellow colors were soaked and vibrant. They mingled together in the rain, flat and wet and looking like layered theatrical fans. They fell together like rain

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Wedding In Lansford PA


Fonz's Wedding
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

In the last seven years of my relationship, we have been to several weddings, baby showers, an engagement party or two? They usual come in groups, never one at a time. We have not yet been married. We do not yet have any children. I have just been watching and documenting this tradition, sometimes with fascination, sometimes with judgment but rarely with envy. Always I observe with interest.

Last week we attended the wedding of my sweetheart's best friend in Lansford PA, a coal mining town. The weekend before that we attended an engagement party for another friend of his in the Bronx. It was a sweet little backyard party with string lights, a DJ and bubbles which I love. I turn five years old when there are bubbles around. You know like the kind you blow with a wand. There were bubbles at the wedding as well in the place of rice which I highly approved of. So yes, there will be bubbles at my wedding. Check. That's something I will not be moved on. Rice is just not me. And although I do tend towards a contrary nature, I'm not one of these people who want to buck tradition just for the sake of it. I do want to question it though.

Sometimes we embrace tradition because we claim to like and or respect it. And sometimes we just so shit because it's always been done. I hate the latter. Doing shit because it's always been done just doesn't fly. But still, I get it. It's hard to be original or true to yourself in a society that thrives on drawing you as far from your "self" as possible. So if you don't know who you are, how do you know what you really want? You'll have to accept that fact after a while that a disturbingly large percentage of what you claim to want or like is just shit you've been programmed or designed for. Fine. I guess.

I was with the grooms party for the majority of time leading up to the actual wedding and for the most part at the reception as well. He was incredibly nervous, chain smoking, shaking and just having the usual jitters. I told him it was probably because of all the people involved and he agreed. I get the genuine feeling that he and his wife to be really love each other and apart for from all the wedding hoopla, they are already "joined" in all the places where it counts.

I sat on his sofa and played "Word with Friends" while he, and his stepson and my fiancee helped one another with cuff links and vests while music played. I snapped shots of them, talked and laughed with them but I didn't consider myself to be much more than a tag along. The more weddings I attend the more I see the beauty and presentation less and the stress more. It's like opening night on Broadway or something As a girl I only saw the show, the performance but now as an adult, I'm starting to see all that happens behind the scenes. Sometimes it appears to be worth it. Other times, not so much. But that's not really for me to say. I haven't done it yet, although I have though about it. I've though about music, the locations, bubbles, I definitely will not be getting married in anybody's church, but it's not a "real" state yet. It's just out there in the fantasy realm along with pregnancy and winning the lotto. And I'm still not in any hurry. Although acquaintances and friends are often in a hurry for me. I don't know what to say to them. We're working on it? LOL!

Ok not really, we're actually working on taking another vacation! YEAH!! LOL!!!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Graffiti 6

I don't watch music videos anymore. They all kinda suck to me. But I like this one. I like everything about it. Right up my alley. Heheh!

Hipstamatic 170 Cometh


The update for the Hipstamatic app for iPhone is hitting iTunes tomorrow!!! Some of the new features available that I'm aware of will be the ability to order high quality prints of your beautiful pictures directly from your phone. I'm really excited to see what those look since the look of a Hipstamatic print seems to lose it's resilience and inner glow when I have printed them at home. They look great on the computer screen and I would love to see some of that light duplicated and sustained in a print.

The other big deal is a new lens, the Bettie XL lens. Below is an example of a picture taken with the Bettie XL lens. This was taken by one of my newest flickr contacts, zinkwazi.

Much credit is due to zinkwazi's compositional skill but I'm also knocked out but the triple tone spectral light leaks around the edges and the brilliantly filmy colors. It's almost like looking at something through a soap bubble. I cannot wait to try it out! I'm really praying that this is not the only new lens and that perhaps there will also be one or two new film paks. WEE!!!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Four Things That made me Happy Today

-Looking in the mirror at the subtle shade of purple eyeshadow I applied this morning.
-Buying an engagement card for friends, whose engagement party we will attend next Saturday.
-Buying an Anniversary card for Fran for our 7 year Anniversary in December. 
-Meeting my co-workers cousins. (They had great accents!)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Knit 1 Purl 1 Row 1...


One summer, years ago, I did an internship at Harper Collins. In their basement they had this great big bookshelf with a bunch of books you could take for free and I would be there browsing and stocking up every week. I remember finding and reading a small book called "The Knitting Sutra," which was about one woman's passion for and study of knitting in different cultures. The idea of knitting as a Sutra or prayer and meditation really appealed to me. I imagine that because of the repetitive nature of knitting, it has been interpreted in many cultures as sort of a silent chant. For myself, it is often a way to center and focus my mind away from troubling thoughts, from a cycle of disturbed contemplation spinning out of control, seemingly with no end. To me knitting is a prayer that manifests itself in my hands immediately. Knit and purl are the only building blocks for knitting and hundreds of combinations result in as many patterns. To make something functional with your own hands is to truly feel some measure of control over what you produce, something which our society has rapidly lost all touch which. We would sooner pay hundreds of dollars for something handmade than make it ourselves. And I'm not judging. I consume way more than I create no matter how much I wish it was otherwise.

 I usually start knitting  for the purpose gaining some much needed equilibrium than that I need one more scarf. Although this fall, I fully intend to commit myself to learning how to crotchet and to make something seamless or knit in the round.  I deeply admire people who make things with their hands that we use in everyday life whether functional, ornamental or both. Even if it takes me a while to complete, I want to at least know that I have the ability to complete a hat or sweater or a pair of mittens, something to wear or give a a gift to keep someone warm with intentions and well wishes as well as wool.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Godric Returns?



"True Blood" haters, close thine eyes. Or just don't read this entry. I've been very good I think about not writing and tiresome opinion entries about my favorite HBO show, "True Blood." I may have written about when it first came out but honestly I think it's kind of tacky to write stuff like, "oh, I love it so much" if that's all one has to say.

Ummm, does anyone remember how Godric, the oldest, most powerful vampire died in the last season, Season 2? He died willingly on a roof, exposing himself to the sun to meet the "true death" as his progeny Eric begged on his knees and in tears that he spare himself while Sookie watched on from behind.He had had enough of what to him had become the pointless war between vampires and humans.  It was a jaw dropping scene. It really raised the bar of performance on the show and honestly I don't think any other episode since has been as equally compelling. And now it seems he is is making a somewhat celestial comeback in the finale.

I have to admit that my initial excitement over the show has sharply vacillated since last season and finally waned. I like just about every characters but sometimes all their performances are a bit lame and over the top. I do find it interesting to watch Anna Paquin and Malloy in their Sookie and Bill dance considering that they are not only just married in real life but seem to have an uncommonly genuine love for each other or at least that's what I pick up from reading about them an seeing them together. It's nice to feel that coming from the screen in their scenes together.Because ultimately, my own personal fascination with vampires has always been about two things primarily: the fact that they get to live forever (if they avoid staking and the sun) because imagine all the shit you get to see living that long (depending on when you were turned) history, human nature, food, sex etc. The other thing I love, which remains tied to the lore of Count Vladimir Dracula is that long deep search for one's true love over "oceans of time." I'm a sucker for that. Alan Ball has put a perverse and humorous twist of both these themes and more but at this point, without Godric in the picture to sort of elevate it's meaning it does often seem to be little more than a soap opera which is not what I expected. But then again, I'm not sure I ever really know what to expect from Alan Ball. Maybe that's why I keep watching anyway.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Cookies at Work



Originally uploaded by Zanalee

A collaborative effort by anonymous co-workers, and me. Yes, I can be this childish. It keeps me alive.
LOL!

warmwind_elemental


warmwind_elemental
Originally uploaded by jillbliss

I discovered Jill Bliss years ago when a co-worker gave me a lovely card designed by her as a thank you for a scarf I had made her for her for Christmas. Okay wait actually, I had purchased a journal she designed a while before that. I hadn't realized she designed stationary in general until I received that card. As you may or may not know I am a stationary glutton. I have stationary collected and saved up from over ten years ago. I probably have stuff I don't even know I have. I've fantasized about having a pen pal all my life but as technology progresses, that seems less and less likely to happen. Still, I am a romantic.

My first job ever was working retail at Kates Paperie in Soho. They had some of the most amazing journals, cards, rubber stamps, old school wax seal stamps, fountain pens, and you name it in paper goods. They even had workshops and illustration presentations. But we never got Jill Bliss whom I didn't even know about way back then.

JB is very much into nature which I believe is one of the reasons why her work appeals to me so much. Major themes of the sea, the woods, the sky, the stream and the story in these elements embody many of her illustrations. I keep up with her latest stuff, her studies ad collaborations on her flickr site. This one above was done by five artists including her.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

One More Look at You

Somewhere only we know

I don’t remember exactly how many times I’ve been back to Bard College after I dropped out in ’96. It used to be one of my deepest, most painful regrets. I think I kept going back to see if it hurt less each time I went. Bard is a strange and beautiful, improbable little place and I know now, why I had to leave, although I can’t quite verbalize it. I no longer feel there is a need to. This last visit though, may have been my last visit in true.

What’s weird for me about time, is that after a while, what ever I hold onto becomes internalized. I discovered a while ago that your memories of a place can never again be matched by the place itself, not quite and once you move on, you don’t need to hold as much anymore to the past. It’s just a sort of law of nature. There’s only so much you can hold on to at once in your mind and heart. In order to truly function and live you have to move forward, and be present in the now. Once you’ve made the decision to do that, old things, which no longer serve any purpose in your world are like dead weights that fall away. And all of a sudden, I’m riding without training wheels or without anyone holding me up. Sorry to throw that weird metaphor in but that’s how I understand it. It was like magic to me when I was a little girl, how my dad would try to teach me to ride a bike by first holding on to the back and pushing me for a while. At some point I would hear him and my brother yelling from behind me, “You’ve got it! You’re doing it! Keep on going!” or something like that. I would look back, see that my dad was not holding the bike any longer and stop and fall over just like that.

Fear had taken hold. I didn’t know how to get there by myself. Or did I? Many years later after we had left Brooklyn to move into a house in the Bronx, I taught myself how to ride one summer in our back yard. I was bored. There’s nothing like teaching yourself something you never thought you would be able to do. Nothing.

But getting back to memory, I realize as I get older that memory consists of holding on to a picture of physical spaces at a particular time in your life which will never come again. I have always believed that places have energy or a spirit.That energy or spirit combined with whatever time you spend there and the people with whom you form bonds with creates memories, which can never be replicated by simply visiting the place, because now there are only ghosts and projections. What you experienced now lives inside you. What lives inside you is yours alone.

There are times when I will go rifling through the attic of my mind for a deep wound, checking to see what progress it has made in healing and suddenly I notice, I don’t need to do that anymore, that it is very far from me, in another time, so fuzzy, it’s not worth squinting to focus on, because I’m to busy focusing on the now. And it’s so strange! Once upon a time it meant everything! It was so intense and dramatic, so desperate! And now it’s like a faded kiss, dissolving on someone elses' forehead in a drama played out in another world. I’m done. But I’m not finished.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Awake


Awake
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Took my iPhone out for a walk yesterday. The way I treat this thing, you would swear I just bought a new camera instead of a new phone. But I mean common!!! Look at that!! It's got so much texture, so much romance! It's hauntingly beautiful! I don't know how people achieved this effect in dark rooms but the more I see, the more I want to know how. I'm blown away by it.

It's kind of weird though, taking credit for this kind of work. I remember when I was in high school, a few of us worked with a professional photographer named Jim Belfon to print out the senior pictures during the year I graduated. They were these huge large format prints of all us graduating students and they were framed in the hall of the lobby and signed by friends or anyone. I remember that Jim was an odd kind of guy, a bit of a miser and very serious but talented. My dad worked with him as well years before I had actually, maybe before I was born.

Anyway, I remember reading this stuff in the 90s about these new advances in photography where you could add effects and put in things that weren't there and I remember feeling very much against it. I thought I was a photo purist and I saw that Jim was into that. I never said anything but at the time I didn' think it was "real" photography I hadn't even really become serious about it at the time. My friend Alexi and I would just go gallivanting all over midtown with my the Nikon my dad handed down to me and we made prints and put them in photo albums or up in our rooms like everyone at that time. It was taking pictures, not "art" not seriously anyway. Alexi did have some brilliant set ups for shots though. He was very talented with my camera, much more aware it seems than I, about it's functions and capabilities.

Now though, years later I understand a fundamental truth about photography which perhaps began unconsciously with the advent of digital photography, something I'm certain even many photo purists could not resist when it came about. All photography to some extent is a lie. Moments frozen in time is a device of our making. It is an attempt at control, for remembrance, for proof, for record. But in truth, it simply proof that time has passed. It cannot be captured. But I think it's beautiful to look back at something that no longer exists as it did in that second I think it's magical. I think photography is magical, and as with many forms of technology, it's always the person behind it who makes the mark of character heard. A machine is only as good as it's operator.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Hipstamatic Addict

Different Lenses

Today I bought an iPhone. Not so fast! The 3GS. Not the G4.  The main reason I wanted the iPhone, really the only reason, is the Hipstamatic camera app that includes many retro print filters which I fell in love with months ago. After much research to be absolutely sure the app was not available for my phone and after seeing way too many compelling hipstamatic pics on flickr I knew I had only one choice. Not a hard one to make since I've always loved iPhones anyway but a bit of a challenge with all the G4 hoopla going around making me feel kind of lame for not wanting to run out and get it like everyone else. But the bottom line is, I was not in the mood for disappointment, I am broke and I don't need a G4. But do I need Hipstamtic.

So I coolly made my way over to the AT&T store near my job during lunch this afternoon and bought the last 8gig 3GS they had! Fate? I believe so.  I am loving it. LOOOOVING IT! Okay, how can I explain this to people who don't spend every day taking pictures? I don't know if I can. Basically hipstamatic is the digital equivalent to carrying around a ton of analog camera equipment.  Hipstamatic allows you to change lens, film and frames for variation of analog compositions reminiscent of your old family pictures from the as far back as the 30s. I mean it can look anyway you want it to look but generally the idea around Hipstamatic is to recreate an essentially analog film look.

Again I have to remark on how fucking ironic that is! All these technological advances, megabytes, gigabytes, terabytes, touch screens and face chats and they make an app that sends you right back in time. I LOVE THAT KIND OF SHIT!!!!
Fun is waiting...

Anyway, I took so many pics when I got home, not to mention the ones I took at work that I had to charge my phone a few hours ago. When that's done, I'll be futzing around with it for few more hours. There's something about old pictures that make me feel all warm and melancholy and indescribable inside. I think that personally, this is the result of a feeling of loss in these times of something, anything sacred. Somewhere in that yellowing, washed out tint, in that haunting vignetting is the remembrance of a feeling, an idea albeit illusive that comforts me, charms me, sets me down.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ramblin Woman



Sorry, I've been kinda quiet lately. I mean even before I left for vacay, I was still pretty quiet. You didn't miss me right? Well, maybe you did. I'm a bit flakey that way. Once I'm doing something I love or get focused on something, I drop off the radar. I disappear. But I'm okay. At least I will be until I go back to work on Monday. I can't even fathom that right now. It seems very far off and like another part of me. I feel like "work me" has become a torture chamber, a hunk of armor I have to put on to survive the day. The past two weeks or so, I've just been me, and that's not all roses either, but at least it's real. I can handle that. Or maybe it just seems like I can because I have Francis around and I love being with him, even when things are kind of crappy. He is truly my partner, and I think our trip to Montreal has made me realize how much more so that is, when I thought I had some idea already. I didn't. I can be daft like that. He is more amazing than I may ever know. Putting up with me. Heh heh.

For myself I've discovered I'm more like Naomi Campbell than I thought. And I don't mean tall and gorgeous with a weave. I mean like the phone throwing part. Enough said on that.

I could really get into traveling for a living. I like the road. I like distance growing between me and a fucking desk. I like exploring and walking on foreign streets with my best friend.  I'm not bored. I'm not restless. I'm still. I'm good. I'm glad to be where I am. This is how I used to feel all the time when I was a kid. Now, it's just these slices of selected time. Vacation. That's such bullshit. I need to work on changing that.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

It doesn't feel like a Saturday (This is a long one)

It doesn’t feel like a Saturday. It’s overcast outside and looks like it might rain. It doesn’t feel like a Saturday but I don’t know what day it does feel like.  I spent most of my day inside reading “A Million Little Pieces” on and off. I would go work on a doll project, then come back and read. I would take some pictures, then come back and read. I would get up and sing and dance to my favorite song playing on my iPod then sit down and read some more. Who knew I could be so hooked on a book written by a fraud written almost seven or eight years ago, made hugely popular by Oprah and then torn down just as low by the discovery that much of it was embellished lies, although it claimed to be the biography of the author. Well, lies or not, I am loving it.  I am in it. It’s no cakewalk and it even brings up some anger and frustrations in me at people I’ve known like this but I push on because the way he describes his horror is just, I don’t know. It’s meaty. It’s substantial. It feels real. And I like it when people tell the truth. HA! But this is not the truth right?  It’s a well-told story, awful, painful, scary, but from someplace real. I don’t know who put it in book exchange at work and I don’t know why I chose but I think ironically, I picked it up, because it was the only one that didn’t seem to bullshit me. Ha again!

So anyway, after being in the apartment for a while, I feel like I’ve been inside too long. I do not want to turn on my computer. In fact I loathe the thought. Fuck Facebook right now. I need to just be. It’s murky out but I need some air, real air. So I put on my H&M head scarf that I’ve had forever, the only pair of jeans I have left with no holes in the inner thighs, my simple brown Montego Bay sandals that are worn and old and comfortable and I take the mini freebie umbrella I got from the opening of Forver 21 on Times Square, my cell phone and “A Million Little Pieces” because as I’ve mentioned, I can’t be without that book until I’m done reading it. I open my door and look around the hall as if I’m sneaking out of prison and I head down and out across the street to Marcus Garvey Park. I walk slowly around the periphery, heading to the west side, not quite sure what I’m doing, if I’ll just stroll around the park if or if I’ll go sit down.  Around the large baseball field, there are a small scattering of relatively “normal” looking people sitting, talking, texting so I feel okay about sitting after all. I immediately wish I had peed before I left though. I’m not sure how long I can be out here while I need to pee. Naturally, I didn’t notice I needed to go when I was walking over here but now that I’m about to sit, the desire overcomes me.

I sit on an empty bench a feet from the baseball field. My face has been in this book for so long that my eyes are not adjusted to the outside light yet. I sit and look around for a bit and then I pick up the book and read for a while. James Frey is angry, angry and violent and hurting and he’s walking through the woods on a trail outside the treatment center. But someone has followed him, someone who is there to help. Not someone who is there to miraculously cure him, because he is beyond that, but someone who is there to guide him from one stone to the next because he needs that. His rage is consuming him, and he will die without beauty as most of us would.

I put down the book again and just stare out at the baseball field. There must be about thirty little birds out there pecking in the dirt. There is one squirrel. There are several pigeons spread around. One of them walked by me, just a foot or so away. I don’t want to go back inside I tell the pigeon telepathically because I really don’t feel like talking at all. The pigeon keeps moving. I pick up my phone and visit flickr for a minute and find that a contact I like has left some really nice feedback on several shots I took yesterday evening. I’m surprised and I smile as I scroll through looking at each one. Then I put it down again and start reading again. A girl and her mom go by and I’m still reading but the sound of her mother yelling at her to come one makes me look up from my book. “Symphony come on!” Her mom is already almost twenty feet ahead of her. Symphony is directly in front of me, wearing a pretty golden yellow top and skirt with her hair out all wild and unbraided. Symphony has her fingers wrapped inside the wire fence surrounding the baseball field and is shaking it repeatedly. She’s not going anywhere until she’s done. I look back into my book. But I notice that after a few seconds, when her mom stops yelling, something like an silent alarms inside her jerks Symphony back to awareness and she takes off after her mom but she stays behind a bit jumping around and letting her body hang and swerve like a drunk person. Kids are funny.

I read some more before putting the book down again and feeling a breeze pass through my shirt. I breathe in deeply. I like the wind. It’s so different from an electric fan or the air conditioner. It’s alive. It carries things with it. It ebbs and flows and never blows the same way twice, like beach waves. It doesn’t get bored. Listening to that AC for hours sometimes makes me feel crazy. I understand the need for it in this kind of weather but I don’t really like it. I can never really get my mind around the fakeness of it what it might be doing to me. I also hate the fact that I had to put on a bra just to walk across the street and sit in the park. I hate bras times a million but people get offended by unleashed breasts, which is one of the hundreds of reasons why people make me sick. Just being in this park, I had to check around me, see who was near me, make sure no crazies or perverts were near just to be able to relax to feel safe. Fucking retarded. At some point after I started reading again, I heard the moving of dry leaves crackling behind me, and then a steady stream of water. But I wasn’t alarmed. I looked behind me and it was one of the Parks Staff watering the heck out of a tree with a long hose he had pulled down through the gate from the sidewalk. I swear he was there watering that tree for like fifteen minutes. But the sound of the water wasn’t so bad. When he was done, I kind of missed it.

I started to sink deeper into my surroundings and was just staring into space with my chin on my hand when a man walked by and said, with what sounded like a slight Caribbean accent, “Ya tinkin?” I smiled and maybe nodded but said nothing. I didn’t feel like talking. Yes, I was “tinkin.” But I have no idea really what I was “tinkin” about. I just needed that moment. The man walked down far from me to sit a few benches away and I went back to reading again for few minutes. I was still relaxed but my radar was up. The sad thing is, safe or not, I’m always wary of strangers. I always have been, always been annoyed at people who I feel are encroaching on my privacy or alone time, ever since I was a girl. I always figure, why would anyone want to bother someone who’s alone? What do you want from me is a question that runs through my head about ten times a day. And when the man walked by, it peeped in my mind as well. He talked but kept walking which was good, but he was still there. I knew I was about to leave soon anyway. The urge to pee, which I had completely forgotten was back. As I got up, I heard the man call out, “Ya leavin?” I smiled and mouthed yeah, then waved. He waved back. Maybe he was okay. Who knows? This world has made us all fearful of everything and nothing. I would love to come to a park and sit quietly or noisily with a few people I’ve never met before who I knew were not out to hurt me in any way.  Old, young, black, white, yellow, brown, I don’t care. That’s what parks are for. Maybe one day. Not today.

Friday, July 9, 2010

What do you think it is?


DSCN4938
Originally uploaded by Madreselva61

Nature and art were made for each other.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Photo Bliss



Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Hipstamatic filters
Vignetting
Erosion
Curving
Line textures
Backlighting

These are a few of my favorite things! This week, I finally got up the guts to inquire of one of my favorite photographers on flickr how she managed to develop such incredibly unique looking photographs. If you're into old, worn, rubber stamped looking images that call to mind a fond but forgotten time and evoke a haunting mood of nostalgia, her stuff is genius. For over a year I looked at her tags, looked closely at her images and could not figure out how she managed to produced this wonderfully ancient, falling apart, cool, retro 70s look. I thought maybe she was shooting film but I knew enough about photography to understand it couldn't be that. I was stumped.

I won't be as kind as she was and reveal what she told me here but plenty of photographers can name a hundred kinds of photo editing software with filters like this that will turn your images back a hundred years! Can you believe that? Now with all this technology, all these quasi android creations we have created, now we want to travel back in time again! I love it.

This photo editing software has really changed the way I look at photography. It's so easy to use and has taught me more than a lot of more sophisticated expensive programs I've looked at and even own. This one really encourages you to play around and experiment and learn a lot about some of the ways pictures were developed very early on. *Sigh* This is the kind of thing I could do literally for hours. Unfortunately though, this software is not compatible with Mac so I've been bringing the images I want to work on to edit on my office PC. I don't want to talk about it.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July All!



Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Hope you're having a good one. I'm getting over a cold myself but I'm upstate with loved ones having a good time just relaxing hardcore which I desperately need.

I took my very first fireworks picture last night behind Francis' house where his neighbors were giving a small private show. I'm so proud of it! I hope to take more today.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

“What Price Difference?”


Colored Francie 1967

“Groucho Marx said he wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. In the same vein, I’m not so sure that most of us really want to buy a doll that looks like us. We can criticize it’s unreality all we want, but perfect female beauty of the Barbie kind is a commodity we buy and buy and buy.”
-Ann DuCille
"Skin Trade"

Mr. McGuire: I just wanna say one word to you. Just one word.
Ben Braddock: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Ben: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: "Plastics."
-“The Graduate”

As a doll lover and enthusiast, I’ve thought about this every so often but the last time I thought about it, it disturbed me even more than usual. Would I like a doll that looked like women I see every day? Would I like a doll that looked like me, my friends, my co-workers, my boss, my neighbors, the cashiers at Pret a Manger?  I cringe. I don’t even get as far as trying to imagine what that would even look like, how the proportions would work, what kind  of costumes they would wear. What I end up doing is waving the idea away and dismissing it with the rationale that dolls are about fantasy and escape from the mundane. Who wants a doll to look like you or your neighbors?  But the thing is, doll companies, Mattel in particular do use significant elements of “reality” in the creation of their dolls. They do design Barbies with what they see as some every day gal attributes, and accessories right? They do this, they say, in order to relate more closely to the consumer, to allow young girls access to dream through a plastic avatar who can be and do anything.  But they pick and choose how these elements of our everyday life are skewed and are sure  always to fit them into a rigid mold that never varies enough to reflect “real” reality. And it is this selectiveness by those whose ideas of “difference” are viewed primarily as a marketing tool and promoted as “diversity”  which play an especially dangerous role in the way we see ourselves and each other.

My mother impressed upon me at very early stage of my devlopment that every doll I received was special, no matter the features,  size, color shape, and that the specialness imbued issues forth from the beholder, the player. With that knowledge firmly instilled, I would go on to make the hero of my playtime, dolls which one might never regard as “beautiful” in any way but which I regarded quite fondly and with love.

But those were baby dolls, stuffed dolls, animal dolls, dolls my mother made for me. That was before Barbie, before boobs, before plastic.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!


HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Originally uploaded by Zanalee

Me and Dad, possibly the best dad ever!

One of my favorite childhood memories with him is when he would pick me up in his arms and pretend to ballroom dance with me to some music on the radio. He would say to me in a fake posh accent, "Are you have a wonderful time dahling?" And I, having a wonderful time would make a fake pout just to be contrary say, "No!" and we would both laugh.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Kareem Iliya


I was stuck in my apartment this morning for about three hours while my super changed the faucet handles in my shower. I was fussing around in my bedroom taking pictures and looking for an old pair of spare keys to give him so I could break the hell out and he could lock up when he was done. Instead I found three of my old flash drives and decided to sit down and see what was on them. One of them contained a folder of Kareem Iliya illustrations I'd collected years ago. I'd seen one of his pieces in a fashion magazine horoscope and then again for something else. I just remember the silhouette of this ethereal female being who seemed to be made of stars. I was really taken with it. I wanted to follow that story wherever it went. Until today, I'd forgotten how much I love his work.

The thing is, whenever, I've looked him up online, there is no record of him by him. All I know is that he was born in Beirut, Lebanon in the sixties. There are no pictures of him, no statements by him about his work which is all watercolor and ink! You know how I love a mystery.

Friday, June 18, 2010

morning


morning
Originally uploaded by slight clutter

Browsing Flickr's "Interestingness" pool this morning.

I love this. I love this time of day and I love how times of day correspond so directly to human emotions and moods. I think looking at this, you understand without having to say so, what this feeling is. And if you've never felt it before, you can experience it just by looking.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"Why do they always have to make it about race?" -True Blood


Hamsa and Reya 
(Two dolls in my collection)

Instead of just talking about how much I loved the 3rd season premiere of  "True Blood" last weekend, I thought I would tie this blog into another nice little political discussion on media and race. There were so many hilarious, provocative scenes and lines from that show I can't even begin to list my favorites right now but they hit the ground running in the opening scene when Sookie runs out into the night screaming for anyone who will listen that her boyfriend Bill The Vampire has been kidnapped. The only young woman who happens to hear her expresses concern at first and then when she learns Sookie is talking about a Vampire, she just turns on her heel and walks off shouting something like "These vampires! It's always some shit!" in French! Oh Alan Ball! SCORE!!!

A few scenes later police take down Arlene the waitress' account of events ending in the death of one out of two of the only other black male characters in True Blood's previous season. Tara who sits a few feet behind her being comforted by her cousin Lafayette, is angered by what she feels is Arlene's total lack of sympathy for the fact that the man killed was someone she was deeply in love with. This causes Tara to explode in anger. Tara feels that Arlene's apparent lack of compassion. is directly race related; he was black and another dead black man doesn't matter. Tara storms off after Lafayette keeps her from ripping Arlene from limb to limb and Arlene gets angry as well. "Why do they always have to make it about race?" she yells. Cut.

Somehow, this is a notion I think that still permeates the minds of most white people whether they are aware of it or not. Just as many Black people sometimes tend to pull the race cards in situations that don't actually merit  it, Whites often pull the "Why does it always have to be about race?" in situations of clearly overt racial bias. I suppose it's a part of the whole plan to spread the lie that a post racial society actually...exists. It does not.

Some of you know that I'm a photographer with a passion for collecting Blythe Dolls, which were originally released by Kenner in the 70s. After an unsuccessful year on the market they were all pulled. A few years later, Blythe was picked up by a Japanese company, Takara and marketed in smaller releases to a growing niche market of collectors as Neo Blythes and became a cult phenomenon. I started collecting them almost 2 years ago. When I first saw a Black Blythe doll while browsing through flickr, I flipped! I had never seen one before and loved the ones I saw! I immediately made all the necessary inquiries to find out who made them and where I could find one. There were none to be found. They don't make them. The ones I saw were custom made. How, I thought in thirty five years had they not seen fit to manufacture even one doll that reflected the worlds peoples of color? Even Mattel has in the recent years released a line of black dolls that are more diverse in color as well as facial features if not body types for young girls. If no other reason than the lucrative saleability of "difference" they could make just one Black doll. But far be it for me to seek brown faces in Japanese culture whose media historically has been severely whitewashed for years.

Heather Sky
Ah yes, but Takara does make an offensively nondescript looking doll of indiscriminate color, called Heather Sky. But the fact is, no one would really call her black. It's all very "safe" and sickeningly suggestive of an intense reluctance to pin down an ethnic identity associated with African American culture. So I decided to find out how to make one myself. I decided to find out how others had made their own Black Blythe dolls. And I made one, then two, then three and and I'm finishing a fourth one now which is due to hit the market (and by market I mean ebay) in a few weeks. There is such a high demand for black Blythe Dolls in the niche market of collectors that you would think Takara would take advantage of that and get on the fucking ball but I'm not waiting for that to happen anymore because I'm having way to much fun making my own, creating a line where there is none. See, this is one of the many hundreds of reasons why it really is about race a lot of the time.

Today I was invited to join an Etsy African American Sellers group on Flickr by a woman who had commented on one of my photos and sells African fabrics. I was thrilled to join and couldn't help noticing that I was, at present anyway, the only member besides herself. All comments and invites on photos on flickr are public and I found myself thinking about a white person's reaction to it. The fact is, and I haven't researched any actual statistics on this, but judging from my contacts alone, Blythe Doll collecting appears to be a predominantly white hobby. I can count on one hand the Black females collectors I am in contact with on flickr. If any more of you are out there, don't be shy! Look me up! LOL!

See, this is one of the many effects of media representation that disproportionately represents "Whiteness" only. I'm not say I think that media can accurately represent reality with complete accurateness at all. We have to find unique and diverse ways to do that for ourselves. I do know that the media creates many very dangerous and false ideas about what beauty, power, gender roles and race mean and that the faces we see in the media most often, even when they resemble our own are controlled by a white power structure. There's more to all of us than that. But  to those who believe that Blacks are always making issues about race, please consider that everything we have seen in the media for hundreds of years has been about race; the white race. I don't ever have to make any White Blythe Dolls do I?  I doubt I will never have to make any.