A Dream not Deferred

While the camera panned over the crowd for reactions after Obama's speech, I saw the one woman, an African American woman, whose facial expression just said it all for me. Obviously most of the faces that the camera allowed us to see during Obama's speech were white ones. Their expressions ranged from beaming and proud to teary eyed, amazed and moved. But I have no personal reference point to the connection of white voters to the spirit of Barack Obama. I only know they like him essentially because he speaks well and supports many of their ideals and he's non threatening and makes them feel good. Though they were clearly moved by Obama, they did not move me. This woman's face for the brief instant that she was on camera, completely captured me. She was out of body! Her hands on her mouth and her eyes wide with wonder and realization, she looked as she had just seen a vision! Her eyes reflected back something akin to a miracle. As a person of color, watching another person of color react to Obama is very different than watching a Caucasian react to him.

In the entire history of America THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED! And people of color have been here since the beginning of time! We brought about civilization! Still, only now for the first time ever in America do we have the opportunity to be represented by someone who looks like us! It is a gargantuan moment. So seeing what I saw in that woman's face, I'd finally seen all that I needed to see tonight. No matter what happens that's what counts. That's real to me.

Imagine That!

So I was watching GMA (Good Morning America) this morning. They were interviewing some of the people who were nearest in proximity to Martin Luther King while he made his Famous “I have a dream” speech at Lincoln Memorial. One of the men who I think was on the speech writing staff said that the “I have a dream” theme was not even supposed to be in that speech. They said they had decisively cut that part out! Apparently he had made this same speech several times on the road and they felt that it had become “hackneyed and trite.” So King had started out not even intending to say those words. He was inspired though to revive it when he looked out at the people. The man on his speech writing staff said he cursed to himself when King started in on “I have a dream.” But when he saw how people responded he realized that they had been wrong and he said “It just goes to show how much we didn’t know.” Can you even begin to imagine that speech with out “I have a dream?” We still don’t know as much as we think we do. Experts always fall short.

I have heard people make general statements about predictions they’ve have about this presidential campaign from the beginning based on campaigns from the past and experiences from the past and numbers and polls and social demographics and likelihoods and more. But the thing is you don’t really know anything until it happens. There is so much more involved in this process than we can possibly know about. We listen to the media and our friends, family co-workers and peers spout endless speculations about all matter of things, based on social trends, past experiences and all sorts of external factors. But there are other factors which we cannot always accurately figure into our assumptions. Factors like the power of hope, the desire for change, stubbornness, ignorance, the desire for power, the power of fear, and the degree to which they affect a people’s evolution, unity and growth or lack thereof. These factors have the power to sway the direction of a country to its highest potential and its darkest lows.

What I do these days is mostly listen to people and if I hear something like “This will never happen” or “That person will never make it” or “You can’t beat the system.” I don’t waste my time trying to challenge them. I just listen, stay quiet and watch what happens. No one person knows everything. People will give advice, opinions ad predictions until the end of time. The answers come only in the moment. Expertise helps to guide us but information is so biased these days that it’s hard to find a network that will tell you only the truth. You have to find that out for yourself. In the end we all stand still to witness the moment of truth. When those people at the Lincoln Memorial who were lucky enough to witness King speak watched what happened, they were indelibly marked by history. And that speech wasn’t even supposed to take place! Watch what happens.

Facebook Masturbaters

That's us!


Latest Poll Reveals 430 New Demographics That Will Decide Election

Lake Sebabo

The first thing we after we unpacked, settled in and pushed cots together in our two separate rooms and checked out the restrooms and grilled dinner outside our cabin was walk a mile out to Sebago beach in the dark along the highway with lanterns. That may sound a little crazy but I think it was just what we needed to unplug our brains a bit and be present in nature. When we got there we lay down on the asphalt instead of walking to the water and looked up at the stars and talked for almost an hour I guess. Those stars were amazing. We looked up at the them whole time we were walking there, every once in a while looking out for cars and turning our lanterns on and off. We even saw a few shooting stars.

Walking several rocky yards from our cabin to use the restroom took a little getting used to but I have to be honest, I really liked it a lot. We got amazingly perfect weather, never too cool or humid. I loved hearing the crickets and cicadas sing at night. I mean it’s like this natural sedative. And I love eating outside. It really enhances the whole experience. Drinking and watching a big old campfire while listening to music (Vernon and I thankfully both brought our laptops) is just heavenly. And Jeanette literally thought of everything. She is a camping pro. She had the place fully functional in minutes!

I never get stressed out when I go to the woods or anywhere rural. I breath better. I let go easier. Sebago Lake was just what I needed. I guess it’s also really lucky that Fran and I get along so well with J and V. We really have fun together. It never feels like we’re trying. And I am so comfortable around them, I can just be ugly you know. I didn’t worry about my make-up (I wore none) or hair the whole time. It was just too good a time to worry about that superficial crap. Because the truth is I get so sick and tired of thinking about it all the time even when I have to because essentially it means nothing.

I had such an amazing time emptying out just staring at the lake, there was no room for that part me that obsesses over minutiae constantly. It was such a relief! I know it will all come back when I go back to the city and to work but it really helps to know it’s possible to let it all wash away for a few days and feel almost finally that whatever is left is what’s real and what really matters. That’s all I really want.

Biden VP Text beaten to the punch by leak

Personally I didn't sign on to receive the text. I get all the updates on the Obama campaign via email anyway. I thought the text idea was cute but slightly overly ambitious. I think it was a great option for those who really do feel the need to know everything right away and to share info as soon as it breaks. But the only thing faster than digital technology is the grapevine. : )
Thanks guys.

Broho?

So American Apparel has opened it's doors in Harlem. American Apparel! That's pretty much the end isn't it? I mean who the fuck in Harlem shops there? I only know this because whenever I ride into the city with Francis I see all the new stores popping up on 125th street. When I saw the signs for A.A. I was like "Really?" A.A. is a store I've only seen in Chelsea and the Lower East Side. They sell 50 dollar fake eyeglasses. Pardon my controversy but it's a very white store. However I thought the same thing about the MAC store and it seems to be thriving. Maybe one day, if I have some excuse to walk up 125 (I try to avoid crowds whenever possible) I'll go in and take a peek. My guess is that they've shipped both inventory and clientele from the same place.

Though All The World is Broken

Chris Martin of Coldplay and Tom Chaplin of Keane are two of my favorite singer/songwriters. They both tend towards a similarly deep, oceanic reverberation in many of their songs which has quite a visceral affect on me. At it’s best music I like has very literal transcendent qualities, but this one song by Keane, “Atlantic” really takes me away. When I listen to it, I start to leave my body. No joke. Obviously there is a great degree of personal sentiment involved on my part, too lengthy and unexplainable for me to go into detail about here.
Tom Chaplin’s lyrics strike a raw and sympathetic cord in me each time I listen. Depending on where I am (I try to listen to it only when I’m alone) I have to bite my lip to fight back the tears. It’s more than just the lyrics. It’s the entire composition of the lyrics with the music that transforms into something utterly alive, emotional and visual in my heart and mind. All, he’s saying essentially is that he doesn’t want to be alone, but the echoing and the sounds of underwater movement really get under my skin and conclusively communicate something much deeper than can ever be expressed except in any way except through the human heart. I’m always amazed at how difficult it is for me to distance myself for from the fact that “Atlantic” is just a song and not a time machine or astral travel device. Obviously, the song has a specific affect on me for personal reasons. Other people are affected similarly by different songs. What kind of music lifts you?

NIN in a Kenyan Rain Forest

I just finished reading an Amazon review of "Pretty Hate Machine" that I needed to support my Trent Reznor for Peta entry. The guy apparently got turned on to the album for the first time while he was staying in Kenya. I wondered, why would anyone want to have Trent Reznor stuck in their head in the rain forests of Kenya? But who knows why he was there and in what capacity. Sometimes when you're far away from home you need things to remind you or anchor you in something familiar. I don't think I would have survived the measly week I spent in London with Wayne if I hadn't been listening to Norah Jones and Starsailor "Love is Here." It's weird. We spend so much time wanting to get away and then when we do we long to have some of the pieces of the place we've escaped from with us.

Obama Love Child

95 views on my Flickr account. 95 and rising.

Trent Reznor...for PETA?

Okay so first off, I've always liked Trent Reznor. From the moment Angelo Fontanez lent me "Pretty Hate Machine" in high school I was hooked. I knew it was trouble but I couldn't deny the attraction to this unbelievably visceral and dark industrial groove. I sunk into corners of my room with "Something I can Never Have" and understood the forbidden lust in "Kinda I Want to." "Pretty Hate Machine" is just one of the best albums ever in my opinion. "Terrible Lie" was my internal junior high manifesto. At times it still is. That's what NIN is for.

So it's not that I wasn't touched I saw that Trent had done a video supporting PETA. That's a great thing. But I have to admit I was just more accustomed to seeing him hover in mid air in front of meat wings or biting his own flesh in a music video or something. I guess we're all getting older.

Good Reads Review

Up in Seth's Room by Norma Fox Mazer

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Revisiting young adult novels from my youth this summer. It's been fun. Just finished "Sooner or Later" and "Waiting Games" by Bruce and Carole Hart.



The passage in "Up in Seth's Room" that I remember most clearly after not having read it for literally years (I found this copy on Amazon) was when the main character gets angry at Seth (because she won't have sex with him or something) and tells him he has ugly toes. I don't know why but that stayed with me. Go figure.


View all my reviews.

Everything in It's Right Place

I was in S.O.B.s at a Bilal concert standing with Francis’ friend Christian. I was standing there in the dark wearing my long wool winter coat with the Ray Bans that Wayne had given me in the left breast pocket. I think that Wayne and I were broken up at the time. I’m not sure but for someone who was really not in the mood to be at a concert, I wasn’t having a terrible time. Every once in awhile I would look over at Francis who had invited me and who was standing several feet away dancing with his girlfriend. He would smile at me that just checking to see if you’re okay over there kind of smile. It was a very warm and genuine smile not something I thought existed anymore. When the band that backed Bilal stared playing Radiohead’s “Everything in it’s Right Place” I went crazy inside. And when I looked up at Francis I could see that he was just as jazzed as I was. To be able to share my joy with him at that moment probably saved my life although I didn’t realize it at the time.

The rest of that night was just horrible for me. I lost my Ray Bans in the crowd somehow on the way out but I reacted to it as if I’d lost my best friend. I felt terrible for being such a bad companion to Christian but there was nothing I could do. I remember fighting back tears on the train ride uptown with all of them. I go off at Lincoln Square just to get away and go cry my eyes out by the water. I cried like I had lost everything I ever had and I’ll never really understand what that was all about but I think it had something to do with being depressed because I didn’t want to be break up with him, but I had to. He wasn't right for me and I knew that. The guy for me was on the uptown train.

Garage Band High

Once, years ago when I was a girl, I got so excited with anticipation on Christmas Eve that I got sick and had to lie down for a bit. That was my earliest experience with the kind of overwhelming excitement that can lead to anxiety. The second time was yesterday after I wrapped my six piece loop arrangement on Garage Band. I’ve named it “Ethereal 1” for now. I have listened to it over and over again and I still plan to do some more small edits but all in all, I’m in love. Now, I’m not deluded enough to think that what I’ve done couldn’t be done by anyone. I mean that’s what Garage Band is for. This is exactly the same kind of technology used in the recording studios to create albums today. The more advanced programs like Logic and Final Cut Pro are all about making editing and arranging music and films on computer. Doing this has made me aware of so many possibilities that it’s like that Christmas all over again. Except this time, it’s not for anticipation of what I could be getting but of what I can create. I decided where the drums come in and fall out again, where the swelling electric guitar comes in and where it ends.

Obviously the real artists are the people who recorded the instruments for these amazing loops available on the Garage Band software. Guitars, strings, piano, electric, drums, tambourines etc. and all the variations in between and I mean all the variations. I’m amazed that I was able to narrow my arrangement down to the first three pieces so quickly. It was the bass that gave me the most trouble.

This kind of mind blowing excitement comes STANDARD with every Macbook or Mac Computer on the market! I mean what a waste for some who isn’t even into music! It is such an amazing tool! I’m still really excited. I can feel it in my heart. Maybe I should go lie down for a bit. : )

Apple Workshop Weekend

So I took a couple of workshops at the Apple store this weekend, one at the 5th Ave store on iPhoto and one in Garage Band at the Soho store. Francis met me at Prince Street for Garage Band, which I had him sign up for as well. Both workshops were great but Garage Band was incredible plus at the Soho Apple store they have this great theater space for workshops and performances. I will totally be going there again. To top it all off, yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day. It was like a picture postcard for New York. I could have stayed out all day.


When we got home we started experimenting with Garage Band on my computer and I‘m just like blown away! All these sounds, beats and effects! Royalty free! And you can record as many as you want. You record an actual instrument. You can manipulate and adjust right down to like a quarter note (not totally certain what that is but it’s pretty specific). I’m learning more about music with this program than I have reading instructional manuals on music. It really is revolutionary. Francis really enjoyed the workshop as well. I let him hold the laptop at the workshop while I took notes because he knows way more about the technical side of music than I do. I can’t wait to get a guitar interface so we can record some of his stuff. Shit! It’s fucking on! This is so much fun!

Threesomes Suck

Okay, so here’s the thing about Felicity that breaks my heart and I swear this will be my last blog entry about Felicity. God! The scourge has taken over my life!
There can only be one or none. You can’t have it all and Felicity wants to have it all. She wants to have it both ways and I am very familiar with that position. Loving two very different people in a deep and genuine way is well enough but trying to have them both in your life when they hate each other or if one is in love with you but you can only be friends with them because you’re in a relationship with the other is a mess. It’s dangerous. It’s heartbreaking. There is no way to come out unscathed. And it would seem that if someone was able to get what they wanted in this situation then someone else is inevitably going to be emotionally scarred for life or at the very least never love as intensely again.

That being said: I choose Noel. I think the only reason Ben started being into Felicity in the first place was because he saw her making out with Noel in the bathroom. There. I am officially a tool.

Images of Barack

Some great images of Barack Obama. I have a shameful crush on him and it just keeps getting worse. I have to say for the record that if I was not happily married I would be following Obama all over the place. It's that serious.

Much props to Scout Tufankjian. What an incredible eye for detail and emotion she has. She's my favorite new artist. All her images tell a story.
Thanks YUMDATA!

Felicity (Don't Forget to Lock The Door)

I used to totally dog “Felicity.” I really didn’t think I would like it despite all the rave reviews from critics friends, my own fiancee. But now I have to admit, I’ve been watching the television series on DVD and I am obsessed. It’s kind of like the continuation of “My So-Called Life” which I love to death.

The Noel and Ben threesome is endlessly fascinating so far. I’m only up to “Junior Year” so please don’t give anything away you Felicity experts. I get really angry at Ben though for being such a fucking adorable punk and I’ve really been hurting for Noel lately since I can’t imagine him loving anyone else the way he loves Felicity. Oh God! Noel! You poor thing. One thing concerns me though. Why do they keep forgetting to lock the door? They live in New York City.

In the first season Felicity and Ben bond over being robbed in his roommate Sean’s loft and in the 3rd , Molly’s crackhead boyfriend walks into a party at the dorm where Felicity stays with Elaina and Molly and randomly shoots Avery who later tries to bag Ben because he saves her life in the ambulance. How many life threatening experiences can they suffer before they learn to just lock the fucking door behind them? Is this a white thing, a television plot device? What?

Wake up Bill

So I woke up this morning just in time to see Bill Clinton on GMA looking sad and pathetic and denying that he’s a racist or that he hurt his wife’s campaign in anyway. The man just looks like a shriveled up fallen king and I get that he feels betrayed by the African American Community. I just never thought he was going to go crazy about it. I mean he really does not look or sound well at all. He is so clearly in denial of his resentment which is really awkward to watch. Oh Bill. You used to be so cute and confident. Now you’re just a wrinkled and bitter old sex fiend. Not a good look.

Garbage Sells

So I'm always interested in the pattern of response that negative press receives as opposed to positive (is there a definition of positive press? I haven't seen any in awhile.) On my flickr account I posted this picture which I took seen below.

It has received 63 views in the last couple of weeks. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I always am. I thought it was hilarious, not just because because of the Obama story but as much for all the insane stories that surrounded him. It's freaking classic.



The one above has only been viewed 14 times. It's been up for months.

How You Doin?

Now that I have finaly adjusted to the fact that Wendy Williams is not a man in drag nor was she formally a man who had a sex change (I'm not being cute. I am serious) I can watch her show without being distracted. And this one right here is one I did not want to miss.

Sure signs of complete mental insanity: Being pissed off and then smiling, being a bitch and then smiling, being a two headed beast from hell and then throwing your head in neck breaking laughter. Oh, wait, maybe she was giving her demonstration of the Bitch Switch. Well done.

The way Wendy kept looking in the camera whenever Omarosa got nasty, I thought my heart was gonna stop!

Dick Move of the Week

For some reason, no matter how old I get I tend to hold on to this adolescent notion that most people know better than me about things, which I have no expertise or interest in. For example,
I don’t know how to swim or drive, therefore I assume that most everyone else can and I tend to hold these people in higher regard or spite simple because they fit into the larger group of people who are able to do things I cannot. These unavoidable comparisons made completely of illusion define us all.

Lately though, as I have become more intrigued by politics, something which I has never held any great interest for me in the past, I’m beginning to discover that these people whom I once held in a certain regard as well, albeit it with the global consensus that they are double talking swindlers by nature, are about as stupid as all the people I know who can swim and or drive a car. And I gotta tell you, it doesn’t really make me feel better. In fact, It scares me. I guess I’ve always known that idiots must have been running this country for a long time because people continue to let them. I may be one of those people. But I’m only really just beginning to understand how deep it all runs.